What Did She Mean By This?

[RaiseYourGlass]

I know I literally just posted a thread here this morning but something else has been really bothering me.

In our session we were talking about the abuse and that I need to forgive myself for what happened an move passed the guilt. I know I was just a kid, and I was scared, but I feel like I should have known better and not gone with him. Anyway, My t said "even if you wanted to go with him, you would have to forgive yourself for that"

I have no idea what she meant by this but I've been thinking about it all morning. Was she implying that I did want to go with him? Is she saying that she thinks I wanted the abuse to happen? Or am I reading way too much into this?

 

[Deleted member 20280]

By this I perceive that you are blaming yourself as a child for allowing this abuser to hurt you. As a child we are moulded by the adults and in our imature cognitive state we ask our selves questions like "what did I do to deserve this".

I believe that to truly deal with a Trauma like these we need to rationally and cognitivelly forgive our younger selves and get our younger selves to realise that they were not to blame and that the adult party in the abuse is the one to blame. I did this kind of ntherpy with my T last year and when I managed to get my 'Little Laurie' to accept that he did nothing wrong and that he could not have stopped the abuses however harrd he tried I managed to make a bonding cognitive connection with my younger self menttally. It was upsetting and yes it was eemotionally painful forr both my younger psychi andd me now as a grown man to accept that truth about abuse.

I can now process all childhood traumas the same way and literally deal with them for what thet are, abuse of a child by a person in a position of trust to look after and for that child.

I hope you find peace with this part of your recovery @RaiseYourGlass

 

[Go Hungry]

I'm thinking you are reading too much into it. I wasn't there or anything, but I think that what she meant was that you have to forgive yourself for falling into the trap, and that 'even if' you had fully wanted to go with him, you would need to forgive yourself for that too, if that was actually the case. I really don't think she's trying to insinuate that you wanted to go.

 

[Leah123]

You're probably reading into it, that's common. Additionally though, she's opening the door for you to express any *possible* ambivilence, as abuse survivors often have some measure of guilt about complying or even enjoying aspects of the experience, and it's critical to understand that doesn't change the burden of guilt one tiny bit.

Persistent distorted self-blame for traumatic event or its consequences is one of the symptoms of PTSD, a disordered way of thinking that can be healed in therapy.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Persistent distorted self-blame for an event or its consequences is one of the symptoms of PTSD, a disordered way of thinking that can be healed in therapy.

This is what I was trying to say. Exactly as @Leah123 said

 

[p-no]

Hi RaiseYourGlass,

Only your therapist knows what she meant. Nobody can tell you other than her.

What people on here can tell you is what they assume she meant. That's not the same thing though. I'd suggest asking her.

I would suspect that she meant what she said. Do not add anything, do not take anything away. "even if" suggests to me that she did not imply that you did want to. She by no means said, judging from the words you shared, that she thinks you wanted the abuse to happen. What she emphasized, in my view, is that you will have to forgive yourself no matter what.

Again, I suggest you ask her and talk to her about this. I'd suggest printing your own post and taking it to her to read. That could help her understand you more, how you "work" with regard to her saying such things, and therefore maybe phrase things differently further down your "therapy. path"

Also, may I emphasize that you don't have to move past the *guilt* - because as a child you had none! However, you have to move past the *feeling guilty* for things that were done to you and what you had no control over. Literally, you don't *have to* do that either, but I wish for it for you, because it helps you recover from what was done to you.

Best wishes.

p-no

 

[Ti Vu]

I don't know the whole story, and I'm not trying to put words in anyone's mouth, but if you were a child and were scared, I think it's just a natural response, to "want" to go with somebody to safety. Anyone.

They say hindsight is 20/20. I, too, beat myself up. Saying I shouldn't have done that. Why did I do that? You look back, and question your actions, but the past is the past. I think that forgiving ourselves really is one of the hardest things to do. I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds, and I apologize if I have.

Best wishes on your healing, RaiseYourGlass. :)

 

[WillyKat]

I don't think she meant either of those things. I believe she was saying that you may have wanted to go based on the false pretenses.

I don't know your story, but in my case, I was lured into the loft of the barn under the pretense that I was helping him look for something. So in a sense, I wanted to go, because I'm the kind of guy that likes to help people, which made me vulnerable to his manipulations.

So she's saying that you have to forgive yourself for whatever level of desire you had to do x when what the abuser was after was y. See what I mean?

Perhaps a poor choice of words on her part. Sometimes therapists say things that seem clear to them, but hit one of our misfiring logic circuits, and we get hurt. I would suggest you bring it up to her and ask her to clarify.

It's hard to do but its a necessary part of the healing to understand that you did not take part in your own victimization; the blame belongs to the perpetrator, not the victim. The perp wants you to take some blame for what happened; they need that to stay safe. They can't exist in the shadows unless you take on some of the blame. It's part of the reprogramming the abuse does to us. I believe that is what your T is trying to convey.

It's a tough milestone in therapy to dump that crap into the garbage where it belongs. I hope one day soon you'll feel that heavy chain fall off your shoulders, and feel yourself float just a bit. It will be a wonderful feeling.

 

[Hashi]

A lot of wise words here. And I agree with others that, in the end, only your therapist can say what she meant.

 

[GWhizz]

Hi @RaiseYourGlass. I agree with @p-no I don't think she meant either of those things but I know how we can read into their comments without asking them exactly what they meant. I assume she meant, 'worst-case-scenario' ie. that even if you did want to go with him, which is unlikely, you were merely a child who didn't understand. So you have no need to feel guilty. It's so hard to let go of this guilt though I totally agree. I'm sorry I can't be of more advice. I'm still struggling with this concept myself

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'd say you're reading way to much into this, but you also need to check with your therapist to find out what she meant. We can try and ease your mind, but you won't know for sure until you talk to her directly.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I take her comment as a patient education comment. She is letting you know that no matter your actions or choices back then, you had no healthy, safe options to choose from, and guilt and shame are just part of the wreckage of abuse. Hence why survivors need to eventually arrive at a place of self-forgiveness for doing the best we could given a terrible situation that was not at all our fault.

Part of healing is accepting what was done to us was out of our control.