What Did She Mean By This?

[Justmehere]

I do NOT think you were to blame at all. I'm guessing your therapist really very much thinks you are not to blame at all too.

Let's say you did have any blame in it. I don't think you do and I highly doubt your T does - but you clearly do feel that you are to blame for not knowing better. Her statement still applies. You do not deserve the way you are internally blaming yourself. At some point, it would be very good if you could forgive yourself for whatever perceived mistake you made or whatever blame you place on yourself. You do not deserve to spend a lifetime ashamed for one simple desire or decision, especially one that is so normal and innocent.

I think she was trying to pick an extreme to say that even if you wanted to go with him, you still do not deserve any blame then, and certainly not blame for not knowing you shouldn't have gone with him.

I don't think she thinks you wanted the abuse. She would be the only one to say, but based on what you said, I agree that you are likely reading too much into it.

If any kid you knew had the same wants and did the same things you did, would you blame them and put guilt and shame on them the same way you do yourself? Would you hold it against them the way you hold it against you? I'm guessing not.

I think she is simply wanting you to let go of your self blame and the quickest antidote to blame, deserved or undeserved, is forgiveness.

It might help to consider what purpose your self blame serves. There is usually a reason why we hang on to self blame.

(For me, letting go of self blame - both deserved and undeserved self blame - it means accepting that I'm not always perfect or in control - I can't always stop abuse and things out of my control have happened. I hold on to self blame at times because it gave me a sense of control. A false sense of control. A sense that I deserved it so it really wasn't that bad. When I'm immersed in self blame, I don't have to fully face the reality that nothing I did, nothing any child could do, would ever justify or even modify abuse. Abuse is abuse and it is always wrong and a horrible violation.)

I'm so sorry for what you went through.

 

[KwanYingirl]

There were two scenarios when you were abused. Either you didn't ask for it or you did. Either way, you can forgive yourself and move on.

 

[Hashi]

Either you didn't ask for it or you did

KwanYingirl, how can a child "ask" to be abused? Could you explain what you mean?

I'd question this even in the case of an adult, but I'm asking how a child asks to be abused because RaiseYourGlass said:

I know I was just a kid

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Hashi
I was really just trying to distill the root of her guilt into the only two illusions can exist. However in either presentation she could forgive herself-either way. In no case does a child or adult ask to be abused. In my years of therapy I am guided by my T to forgive myself. And I just can't because I had no say in it. So I continue to suffer from shame and guilt. I can't see how forgiving myself would improve my mood. No child asks to be raped burned beaten. I can't reconcile it. Do you understand what I was thinking?

 

[Hashi]

I'm always wary of talking about illusions - do you mean in a Buddhist sense? I'm afraid personally I don't find it helpful with trauma work (since we already have enough issues with reality/denial/dissociation) so I'm going to talk about actual scenarios only.

I'm afraid I'm a bit lost with what you're saying. All I can say is that I think there's a third scenario which is that someone didn't ask for abuse. However, they made a mistake, an error of judgement, that left them vulnerable to it.

This can be complex in the case of an adult, because they might think - I was an adult, I should have known better. But there might have been all sorts of other factors and past developmental/psychological damage that meant they couldn't have known better, even if a different adult might have known better.

However, in the case of a child it's likely that no child could be expected to understand that they were being tricked or manipulated. Therefore, a child might make a decision and get into a situation of abuse - but that is not asking for it. It's a natural lack of judgement and then having their trust and vulnerability taken advantage of. In which case "forgiving yourself" is not about forgiving for something you did wrong, but about having compassion and understanding for how you acted or reacted at the time.

That's how I see it.