Relationship What Do You Do When...

[Ecl84]

Your sufferer is having a hard time?

My guy has somewhat came out of his bubble. We spent the evening with my family a few days ago, and he stopped by for a couple of hours after work last night, which is good! But it's obvious he's still feeling quite stressed and agitated. Not with me, but generally and mostly because of work, and it's definitely having an affect on how we've been interacting with each other.

What are some things you do for your sufferer when they're having a rough go? And if you're a sufferer, what things cheer you up? Not looking for a fix (impossible!), just something that might give him a genuine smile and a happy moment for the day.

 

[Sweetpea76]

When my sufferer seems like he could use a break, sometimes I'll just plan a lazy day at home with the curtains closed and the phone on silent... no computer, no internet, no outside people. Comfort food and funny movies, and a day spent in our jammies.

 

[falling_wave]

It helps me to when people I care about randomly check in on me or ask me how I'm doing honestlyour wanting an answer. When I don't have to say anything and someone can understand I'm hurting or think of me when I'm isolating myself it helps me to feel like I belong and I can get through it. A hug also can help a lot. If it's really bad just spending quiet time watching a movie or doing something distracting is helpful.

 

[Wastinglight]

With my guy, If I'm around at his house, I often give him a back rub, as he tends to carry tension in his lower back. He always appreciates that. Or I start a conversation on a topic that he enjoys, and is knowledgeable about. That always brings him out of his shell a bit. If he's feeling physically drained, I do little things around the house. I hang his washing up. I put his rubbish out.

If I'm not at his house, I usually just check in with a text every now and then, to let him know I'm thinking of him, without asking for a response. If he wants to chat then great, otherwise, I just leave him be.

You sound like a fantastic supporter. I think anything that lets him know you care, and you're thinking about him without putting pressure on him, is a good move. Even if he doesn't respond at the time, you never know when he might think of something you've done for him, and find comfort in it, down the track.

 

[Ecl84]

Thank you wastinglight! I'm still trying to figure all of this out, but I'm definitely trying to do the best I can to help.

I ended up sending him an email the night before last. I addressed some of the issues at work (we work together) and gave him some praise that was definitely well earned. I received a large text in reply, and when I called last night just to see how his day was, it turned into an hour long conversation.

 

[adriftatsea]

Similar to sweetpea, when my hubbie is down in the dumps, stress overload, etc., I try to put in one our favorite movies and keep things light and comfy for the day/evening.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

With my guy, If I'm around at his house, I often give him a back rub, as he tends to carry tension in his lower back. He always appreciates that. Or I start a conversation on a topic that he enjoys, and is knowledgeable about. That always brings him out of his shell a bit. If he's feeling physically drained, I do little things around the house. I hang his washing up. I put his rubbish out.

VERY GOOD stuff, this. :)

Similar to sweetpea, when my hubbie is down in the dumps, stress overload, etc., I try to put in one our favorite movies and keep things light and comfy for the day/evening.

More good stuff, this. :)

Probably the biggest thing is demonstrating some repeating themes of "I am here when you're ready/I am ok without you/I don't 'need' you to be emotionally fulfilled/I have my sh*t together/I won't ever leave you/I appreciate that you're getting the rest/focus that you need." I don't mean this in a way that I'm pulling away from him, but rather like with reassurances that he doesn't have to pour his energy into making sure I'm ok, or that our relationship isn't "threatened." I also go out of my way to express appreciation THAT he's taking care of himself, even if that means he's in shut-down mode for a minute. I encourage him that sleep/rest is GOOD, and HEALING. And laughter/keeping things light is GOOOOOD medicine. :)

When his apple cart gets upset (so to speak), I immediately go into a kind of calm-seas mode - everything is still, everything is safe, even if things in my world are hard to manage I will find other friends/family to help me manage, "I've got this/WE'VE got this!" If I put the weight of my emotional world or our relational dynamic on him when he's already overburdened by his own stuff, then I become the "threat" .. When he is most vulnerable is when I need to be most strong/caregiver type. And when I am weak, he does the same for me. Giving him the space/time he needs to recover himself is critical. I can miss him terribly, but that's my emotional reality, and there will be time aplenty to express this AFTER he's back on his feet. :inlove:

~S2B

 

[Lilmssunshine]

In the past when he had a hard time I'd encourage a hot shower. Give him sexy time then focus on myself. Mine would rather know I'm happy taking care of myself while he is stressed.

 

[falling_wave]

Just to add to my post because I feel myself going into isolation mode at the moment. If you do things with him during these times come to where he is. It seems like common sense but i have friends trying to get me spend the night at their house because im struggling and I just can't make myself leave mine. Even driving there sounds exhausting. If they came to me and had dinner at my place and if I didn't need to cook totally would help.

 

[Peach]

My relationship is long distance, so unfortunately I can't do anything physical for him. The last time he was in a funk and we were on the rocks for a while, I sent him a small gift to butter him up and that definitely had a positive effect. I have to rely more on email. I don't bombard him, but I will write every day, as usual, just chatting about my day. He knows he doesn't have to write back and I don't expect him to. I keep things light and include a joke or a funny picture. Anything to try to distract him, even if it's just for 5 minutes.