What Does It Mean When You Can't Get Over Someone

[Casey_03]

I am very unsentimental and hate romanticism. I tend to think that if you can't get over an ex, it says more about you being unhappy with your current life circumstances than about "true love" or anything like that. But I have one very strange situation with an ex that I could use some objective opinions on -- I know that I see it one way inside my head, but perhaps it looks very different from the outside. I will try to keep this story as brief as I can, but bear with me please.
So, the one and only relationship I had that I would say was truly based on warmth and mutual respect ended a few years ago. It ended because the guy moved away and didn't want to make things serious enough for me to move with him. He was very open about wanting to travel the world and not being ready for the kind of relationship that we had. I often think back to this man and this relationship because we never fought, we never raised our voices at each other, and there was this incredible unspoken understanding between us. When we were together, it really was like the rest of the world ceased to exist. In short, it was like a fairy tale, and I don't even like fairy tales.
I kept in touch with this guy throughout the years and he now lives in Moscow, which is not far from me. Some of my friends in Moscow are aware that I am pregnant and they know the whole story. Somehow or other, it got back to him through mutual acquaintances. He sent a series of awkward emails in which it was clear he wanted to ask me something but was afraid to overstep his bounds, then ultimately ended up saying he needed to talk to me over Skype. I told him I'd prefer the phone, he called and after a lot of very awkward stuttering, said he'd heard rumors I was pregnant and the guy had taken off. He sounded like he expected me to say it was all untrue, but I didn't, and I kept it all very short and impersonal, saying simply, "Yeah, it's true, I'm doing it alone, but I don't want to talk about it." And that was pretty much that. He suggested getting coffee if we are ever in each other's cities, I agreed.

But now ever since this conversation, I keep thinking about how I am having another man's child and it's terrible that it wasn't him. I know he has gotten back with an ex-girlfriend and I don't think he contacted me wanting to get back together, but I was shocked to hear the pain in his voice when he called me that day. Though maybe it wasn't pain and was just him feeling uncomfortable? I don't know. I guess I am wondering if I am maybe, on a subconscious level, not really, sincerely missing him at all but rather trying to distract myself from my current circumstances? Ugh. Sorry for the novel. Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

[glass half full]

I am very unsentimental and hate romanticism. I tend to think that if you can't get over an ex, it says...

Casey-

Let me preface my comments by saying that I don't believe in "soul mates" and I am not very sentimental either. Yet, while I have had numerous loves in my lifetime thus far, some are greater loves than others. For whatever reasons the connection with these men was stronger, closer, deeper- I honestly don't know what made these relationships stand out, but they did.

I rarely remember dreams, yet with one of them it was not unusual to dream of him and hear from him within 24-36 hours, despite months having passed since our last contact. One of the few out of body experiences I have had was with him and at a time when he narrowly avoided death. I have no idea why. It just is. The other of my two great loves is my - or was my isolating vet, who I have now pretty much given up hoping to hear from again.

I think there just are some people whom we connect with at a deeper level than the rest. In some instances we remain close to them, although not with through out our lives. Perhaps your former love is one of those people with whom you connected at a deeper level and who may be a distant presence throughout your life. Reconnection with the older of my two greatest loves was often a harbinger of good change in my life. Hopefully you may find the same to be true.

 

[MandyLou]

@Casey_03 ,

yes I would agree with @glass half full

some people ignite us in certain ways while others don't. The degree and depth of connection makes all the difference in the world, of course. Something about the person, experiences and relationships you've had has meant more for you perhaps depending on what you value or how connected you felt to your partner. For myself, I can tell I don't make easy emotional connections and it's rare for me to feel that spark. Most men that I've met and even liked didn't do much for me. Some of them were really good guys but it didn't really go beyond that. And when you meet that one that you just can't let go of... I remember first time I truly loved somebody, I still think very highly of him and it would be a lie if I said that part of my heart doesn't hold a great deal of love for him even now. In my opinion, if you ever truly loved somebody, you don't ever stop loving them. Relationships can end but I don't think love is like that... I don't think genuine love has an on/off switch. It's quite absolute. It either exists or it doesn't.