Relationship What Happened? : Army Bf Breakup

[bexleigh16]

I am brand new to this forum but after reading some other posts I knew this community can give me some much needed guidance.

A brief background of our relationship: We met via Tinder while I was in Hawaii on vacation and he has been stationed there with the Army for 7 yrs. I never expected anything to happen since I was returning to Chicago. But he texted me EVERY SINGLE DAY. After 6 months of communicating, we finally met in person while he was home on holiday vacation. We had instant chemistry and I have never felt feelings for anyone like that before. I was able to meet both sides of his family on the trip and they even gave me a "Thumbs Up". We went back to our "normal" long distance relationship after that....we would be in constant communication for most of the day despite the 5 hr. time difference, Army testing trips, or school.

During my spring break, he flew me back out to Hawaii and I was able to spend the week with him on base. Our relationship was just full of adventure. Once again we had to part ways but he always made sure I knew he loved me and that I was beautiful. Nothing could be more perfect. We were even talking about moving into together once he got relocated to the Colorado base. But he came out to Chicago during the summer and while we were having a couple's night in the city he found texts on my phone from guys (nothing sexual at all). He then went off saying I was shady and was probably cheating on him with my trainer (which I wasn't) and that he was going to fly back early. Yet, he never raised his voice at me or called me anything demeaning. So we didn't speak the rest of the night or on the ride home. However, once we got back home we talked it out and both decided to continue seeing each other.

Our relationship was doing great and we were planning for me to come see him at the beginning of October. But he had just changed companies within the Army and his boss told him that they wouldn't their vacation and would have to work. So we just planned for me to see him during Christmas. Yet again the boss told them that they would have to stay on the Island for the holidays. After that he texted me saying he was "done with us" after 18 months (this was 2 weeks ago). We talked on the phone for a bit but he kept telling me "I didn't get it and he couldn't wait for me anymore". We sort of left it up in the air after that. But we went through the weekend fine and texted each other and by Tuesday he texted me saying he was out. When I told him to at least call me to tell me...I got ghosted. I had a mental break after that because I was already was having a rough week....my dad got laid off, got rejected from a school program, and fractured my foot. I stopped eating and sought out help from a counselor.

A lot of my friends/family are not helping the situation by telling me he probably is cheating on me...or made up the lack of vacation days, etc. I tried reaching out to him to just talk since he left me hanging but once again he didn't respond. I know I have to move on but I still love and care about him. I am just so confused on how we failed so fast. The decline literally happened over less than 24 hrs. I don't know if he could have possible PTSD....he was engaged before me and that relationship wasn't healthy. There were a few moments he would get possessive of me and think I was cheating. I know he was suppose to go see the Behavioral Health person but he never did. My BF prior to him was also an Army vet with PTSD and that was one reason behind our breakup. I am just so lost and confused. How can someone I loved and trusted....my best friend just leave me. Thank you :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

Does he have a Criterion A Trauma?

 

[bexleigh16]

I am still new to the whole realm of PTSD so I am a tad confused about the Criterion of Trauma. A lot of his experiences during his deployments are completely unknown to me. The only thing I can think of is that with his ex-fiancé. Her sister accused him of rape and all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence. I know he had to go through court and all that. The "anniversary" of this was right around the time we broke up. Plus, the day he ended it was the anniversary of his Army buddy's suicide. So I have no clue if those would be considered traumas

 

[deer_in_headlights]

There are danger signals flashing here. I would encourage you to let him go - for your own well-being.

The rush and idealism of a long-distance relationship can overwhelm the senses and promise a life-time of bliss. It can be very tempting to shrug off or minimize some signals that all isn't perfect in Paradise.

His jealousy and controlling behavior, his treating you badly in Chicago, accusations of rape, even the rapid and intense escalation of the relationship all are very dangerous signals. I married mine (despite some warning signals). I thought he was my "soul mate". We had short-duration, exciting adventures in amazing locations. All he had to do was keep up a long-distance relationship so I didn't get a chance to see who he really was, until it was too late.

The one I married, who sounds very much like your bf, destroyed me physically and emotionally.

More normal relationships, while maybe not as exciting, will be the right and healthy ones.

This doesn't sound like PTSD on his part. I do think there is a major personality disorder.

Take your freedom, please, and run. You will not be emotionally safe with him, and you cannot win him over and heal him with your love. He can never be the man you thought he was, the one he acted at the beginning. That is a fantasy man. The hurt is coming from seeing bits of who he truly is. Once you are his, he doesn't have to work hard to keep up the fantasy. Life will drain from you. You will feel this hurt nearly all the time.

I'm so sorry. I wish I had been warned by someone to pay close attention to the confusing, painful moments before committing myself to my destroyer, whom I loved so deeply. This, I want to give as a life-saving gift to you.

You might want to read the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. He has also done some great talks that are on YouTube. He helps us learn how to pay attention to those little warning signals - signals that might not make logical sense but that can warn us of danger and save us from incredible damage.

Wishing you a healthy, joyful life - away from the darkness.
:hug:Deer

P.S. I will be keeping you in my heart and thoughts. I hope your foot heals well and your Dad is able to find a good job. Good luck with your education, it is so very important. I care!

 

[bexleigh16]

There are danger signals flashing here. I would encourage you to let him go - for your own we...

Deer,

Words cannot describe how grateful I am for your advice. Especially since you have been through similar experiences, it is really hitting home now. I have told people tell me to just move on but I am still struggling with that (since the break is only a few weeks old). But I think this is the kick in the pants I needed. I need to focus on my health and well-being. Thank you again :)

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Bexleigh16, if my experience is helping you disengage from him and save your life, you are giving me such a gift. A caged, broken-winged bird can sing, seeing you fly away to safety and freedom.

Please stay safe. I'm so glad you're seeing a counselor. You might want to explore why you fall into unhealthy relationships. There are signals that predators pick up on, and I don't want to see you be easy prey. Gavin DeBecker's advice can really help you.

:hug: Hugs:hug: