What Happens If I Am "healed"?

[Dissociated1]

I am terrified as well, Heidi07. My psychologist says the events of the last few years aside, the happy healthy life I have lived is proof that my female alter and I have been together so long we work as a well oiled machine. That the older a person is, the less likely they will be able to integrate and she doesn’t see her going anywhere any time soon. But the goal of therapy is integration, healing that comes at terrible pain from the death of a part of the self. The nightmares & emotional breakdowns I have been experiencing hint at a childhood trauma that caused us to dissociate like the blind men feeling the elephant. We both know the wall is slowly coming and my female alter is terrified of what "healing" will mean for her.

She breathes color to my black & white existence. So different yet so similar to my wife. And it brings me to tears to think that when the Self is able to face what my dear sweet sister self has held in the silence of her heart all these years, she will be no more.

 

[Philippa]

I read somewhere that we can get so used to a certain way of being, that our whole identity gets wrapped up in remaining that way, and the mind doesn't like change, even if our souls recognise it is vital for our progress in life, so the you that you are used to being will only move towards the person you want to become, and one day you will have replaced that dysfunctional version of you with a more healed and whole version...which will then become 'normal' to you.

Really there is no such thing as normal...there is only being and states of being.

You never were 'abnormal', it just seemed that way because other people treated you like you were shit, so that seemed like the logical conclusion. What happened to many people here is what is abnormal...but that's not who you are.

When you are more healed you won't be 'normal' either...you will just be a different you.

 

[Philippa]

I don't know about the term "healed", but I now have periods of being symptom free and enjoying my daily life. During these periods I don't miss the PTSD symptoms at all.

It just sucks when they come back.:(

More and more I have periods like this as well...and sometimes I wonder if I even have PTSD anymore, though I do still get anxiety and depression, but it's about being able to discern whether they are 'normal' anxiety and depression...since these states of being are really normal these days, and in this society, you would be abnormal if you didn't get depressed or anxious.

I guess using the stress cup analogy that anthony kindly put up for us all, learning to discern what is normal stress and what is ptsd level stress once you start really making progress becomes easier to tell the difference, the more you really commit to self-care and over-coming the self-destructive aspect that is so determined to keep us feeling like shit and punishing ourselves.

I feel like I am just rambling now, so I'll stop.

 

[p-no]

Oh my goodness - when I'm healed, bells will ring throughout the land! ;) (...)

Hashi, I just wanted to say that whenever I come across this post of yours, it brings a smile to my face!
I very much hope that those bells will be ringing so loud that I can hear them even here!

:happy:

 

[p-no]

I don't know how you define "healing" or "being healed", Heidi. But just now I know that the way I define both, all that changes is that a veil is taken from your eyes.

You're German, right? I mean, not an expat? If you're German I am pretty sure you remember those kaleidoscopes that were popular bout 20 years ago? The ones kids used to play with? I had one of those and I have been thinking of those a lot for the last few days. I remembered that sometimes you would shake them and then look through them. Sometimes one of those little stones would not be positioned right and your awesome and beautiful picture was a bit distorted. You would then maybe tap on the far end of the kaleidoscope so that that one piece would fall in place nicely and the picture would be clear.

That's what happens when you heal. The picture gets clear when you put the little pieces in place. Little things will have changed and most of the world and life will be as you've always seen it. Everything will be different, but nothing much will have changed.

 

[Dissociated1]

"Little things will have changed and most of the world and life will be as you've always seen it. Everything will be different, but nothing much will have changed."

This is an amazing analogy. I am hoping, exactly what my female alter needed to hear so she can put her fear of dying with the Self's healing to rest. Thank you so very very much, prime-no.

 

[Tanishq]

Heidi, When you will be healed, of course you will be healed. After that... You will be new person and strong one. I hope you keep supporting and inspiring others after this. :)

I do have this question in my mind, it just excites me very much seeing myself healthy. I no longer get triggered by just small events, no shocking and emotionally abusive events. I am aware of surrounding and I am in charge of my life and so on...

 

[Heidi07]

Jaret, I am on my way to being a new person.:) I stopped drinking which is great progress. I used alcohol when I was depressed, to overcome my insecurities, to get into a good mood, to overcome my fears.....etc

I am proud that I stopped drinking but once I stopped, the PTSD symptoms either became worse. Hmm either that or I started to notice them more and more. I was always the type of person who preferred the "quick fix" instead of actually focusing on the problem (or symptom). I did that for years. Actually, I think the time was just not right for me to work on myself. I was not strong enough, had too many other problems in my life (like jerk ex-boyfriends, moving to different countries...etc).

I am happily single now and working hard on myself. It makes me happy so see myself progressing. There was always a good person inside of me. Regardless what other people (like my parents think or thought).
My T keeps telling me that I am a strong person and that I have survived and fought so much in my life. Yes, I have but I cannot take any more bad experiences now. My strength is just not there anymore.

All that aside though, nowadays I am just trying to focus on myself getting better and the goal is healing of course. It's a slow process but I will get there, and once I am there, I will have a huge smile on my face, knowing that I have achieved so much. :):) It's nothing you can put on a piece of paper and show off (like university degrees for example) but for me it will mean that I have graduated the university of life!!!;)