Supporter What Helps?

[awayhome06]

I am the wife of a USMC combat veteran. I have spent the last two plus years allowing my husband to deal with his PTSD how he is comfortable, ie, not dealing with it. Now that we both recognize that he needs professional help, he has started to pursue therapy through the VA and is seeing a therapist through his current job.

Through this forum I hope to gain some insight as to how to talk to him productively and be an asset in his recovery process. I know that he needs me to hold him accountable and to be his emotional support. What I don't know is how to talk to him. What I dont' know is what things I could say will make it worse and what would help.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Please, if you haven't been there already. Check out the Supporters section. They will have the kettle on, and have some great advice, support and information.

 

[Eleanor]

Hi awayhome6, and Welcome! :)

Come on down to the supporter's section! Read the stickies at the tops of those forums, and also read Anthony's articles at the bottom of the home page (keep scrolling!) They are the best way to get some insight into what he is going through. You can also go to the sufferer's section and read stuff there to get insight from the other point of view. This site has been around for some years, and so it is worth while to search for stuff, and read old exchanges. Sadly, you will recognize a lot of patterns in other people's lives.

My friends here, the information and support (and the occasional gentle "dope slap") have saved my marriage - no two ways about it.

The best thing you can do to support him, IMHO, - paradoxically enough - is to take genuine and effective care of yourself, and so model and encourage him to take similar care of himself.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[myvetswife]

Welcome to a rollercoaster time. At least he admitts he's got a problem and gets help. That is a big step!

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

 

[awayhome06]

Thanks Eleanor.

 

[Jlso111187]

The one tip I have is DO NOT pressure him to talk. I know when people try to get me to talk about my mood, or my trama it makes me clam up. I am out spoken and love to talk but if its personal I dont devulge much and if you pry I shut down. Good Luck and thank you for supporting him though this. I know it means alot to me that my husband supports me so Im sure he appreciates you supporting him.

 

[awayhome06]

The one tip I have is DO NOT pressure him to talk. I know when people try to get me to talk about my mood, or my trama it makes me clam up. I am out spoken and love to talk but if its personal I dont devulge much and if you pry I shut down.

Thanks, this is similar to how my husband reacts and I've been struggling with a desire to understand versus need to protect him from it.

I have started to realize that its ok not to understand, and in reality, I can't.

The hard party is that he choose to open up to another woman. He says was because he viewed her as disposable, and he didn't care what she thought of his "horrible deep dark secrets", but it still makes it hard too not press for answers. Knowing what it feels like for him will help though.

 

[Jlso111187]

It may be hes trying to protect you from the things inside his head and the secrets. Maybe he thinks you will look at him differently and that is the last thing he wants.

I wont share details of my rape with my husband because I am ashamed (I know its not my fault I was just a kid but I still feel ashamed). Its hard because he too wants to know everything. That want and need just ends up making me angry,

I understand that you want to know but if he is comfortable he will tell you on his own time. Make sure he knows that you love him for who he is, and what he has done, seen, or been through is not going to make you love him any less.

Postitive reinforcement is always nice to get from your lover, expessially with ptsd. I know my husband telling me he loves me when I am having a bad mood.