What I Didn't Expect In Therapy

[Donna-1]

I am intelligent, have a good vocabulary, can express myself without any problem...until I got into therapy. Now I am groping for words to describe experiences that seem beyond words. How do I make a word-picture of what happens to my thoughts when I dissociate, when I panic, when I seem unable to control my own behavior? Sometimes I wish for Spock's "mind meld" so my therapist could just join her mind to mine and see what I'm talking about. But maybe she has some idea. She seems pretty adept at ferreting out the truth and working around dissociation.

One problem: I have made it clear to my T that I am not aware of any other covert identities, only my own. I am not aware of any trauma during childhood. I do not "switch" to alternate personalities. But if I do or say something or even dress out of the ordinary, she starts saying things like, "Now what is YOUR name? Where do YOU fit into this system of identities? Who do YOU know that Donna doesn't know?" And it irritates and unnerves me. I just want things to unfold naturally, not be forced. I don't want to feel like I have to give answers to questions that are beyond my experience. And although I dissociate and sometimes don't feel like my "self", is that so different from anyone else? I feel sometimes she is looking for a Sybil or Eve like experience where I will have florid shifts in how I present myself.

Last week, I wrote my T a letter and left it in her office. I explained the above -- that this is a course that needs some adjustment, and the pace needs to be recalibrated to where I have plenty of time to think things out and get used to the ideas and educational materials she has presented. She says, "This is not a race -- we are not in a hurry," yet I feel the pace is too fast. Too treacherous. I don't expect my footing to be solid all the time, but I don't want to slide back down the mountain, either.

I'm a little anxious about this next Wednesday when we will meet again. She told me in the beginning to give her feedback and even confront her when necessary so that I get what I need. I'll see if she really meant it.

 

[Leah123]

Goodness, I'd feel threatened if I were you. How long have you been seeing her? I'm so glad you spoke up for yourself. It will be telling to see how she replies, and I very much hope it is with respect and concern for you. Hope someone else will have something more helpful to say, but just wanted to let you know you weren't alone. Therapy can be so challenging, but I don't personally find it helpful to feel so out of control as it sounds like you do in the session. And it always upsets me personally when my therapist discusses alternates, like my inner child or anything, even though it's not as pronounced as MPD. I am a whole person, not without trauma, not without defenses and wounded places, but.... it's all me in the end.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Whoa I want to tell you to RUN from her! (People like her are the reason that non-DID people get diagnosed with DID also known as dissociative identity disorder.)

It is INCREDIBLY invalidating. I've had it done to me by mental health techs while in a trauma unit and it was annoying to have to repeatedly say "there is only ONE of me!!!!" But in their defense, I was only one of a couple of non-DID patients and I know they didn't read charts as thoroughly as the psychiatrists or therapists. Not that it's an excuse though.

In IFST (inter family systems therapy) there is a concept that we all have parts but I get the feeling that your therapist is talking about identities. (Two different yet similar concepts.)

And I'm not an expert, but I thought that one had to have experienced severe childhood trauma in order for the personality to fragment into parts?

Honestly, I see this as a huge red flag and something that needs to be discussed with her. If she doesn't get it just keep repeating "there is only ONE of me and I'm right here!"

Oh, and yes, we all dissociate as a part of PTSD and some days we feel different than others (but this isn't related to PTSD necessarily.)

Edited to ask...

Have you been tested for dissociation/DID?

 

[Abstract]

Hi Donna,

I can only tell you my own reaction. I think I read somewhere that you have been diagnosed with DID and I don't have it so that makes it very different. I am assuming she knows you have the diagnoses. ?

The last thing on earth I want is someone to start speaking to me like this. I don't want to feel more split. I just want someone to speak to me and to what I am discussing. I know a lot of people who are DID would not like this approach either. And in fact, as I understand it, very few people present in the way she is trying to force you into even if they do have DID.

This is the type of led therapy that I think can potentially be very problematic and even dangerous. I know you like her a lot in other respects so don't want to mess with that but it would quite frankly freak me out.

From what I know any therapist that leads us too much in any respect is exactly what they warn us about and that can cause multiple problems. Including creating DID in those who do not have it.

For me personally I am extremely changeable, have memory blanks, have battles with myself that even become physical, have some things I know happened in theory but a lot of what I suspect is not there at all... and I don't have DID.

My concern for you is that regardless of whether you do or do not have DID she could continue in therapy in the same vein in relation to traumatic experiences and lead you there too and that could be even more dangerous. I have met people who have experienced that and heard of the devastation it has caused.

I hope you are not overwhelmed by our responses. Just concerned.

 

[Donna-1]

No, I have not been tested. But for the last 18 years I have repeatedly had lost time, have done things I was not aware of, been arrested twice for...let's say...alarming behaviors that I was not aware I was exhibiting at the time. I don't remember having people over to my apartment, yet they swear they were here. I don't remember buying things, yet I find the receipts in my trash can and find the purchases on my credit card. I am pretty sure I have DID...at least PTSD with a lot of dissociation.

One problem is that every time I start therapy, it all spins out of control. I am starting to hear voices again, my surroundings look unfamiliar (even in my own home), I am having panic attacks and anxiety, and can't remember the activities of the day with any clarity. I have been back in therapy maybe 11 sessions now. I had decided this was my last chance. Otherwise, I will go back to my "usual" self that is only half here but functional enough to live independently. As long as I am not in therapy, I am able to get by, but am very isolated and lonely. I'm afraid that if I attempt to continue therapy, I will end up in the hospital again. Somehow, some way, however, I feel like this situation must be resolved.

 

[Abstract]

Hi,

It sounds like you are pretty sure it is DID and what really bothers you is that she is wording things in a way that does not match your experience and where you feel she is going too fast for you to keep pace with her.

And with full DID there is no co consciousness to start so you would not know any other parts of you or their possible experiences.

can express myself without any problem...until I got into therapy. Now I am groping for words to describe experiences that seem beyond words.

I really understand this. Especially when it comes to dissociative experiences. They are often beyond words I find. Impossible to express. And I don't experience some things that must be way more difficult to put into words. It sounds like she is good at hearing you though.

so my therapist could just join her mind to mine and see what I'm talking about.

If only! I have wished for versions of this so many times. Nothing less seems enough. Often. I find it very threatening to discuss things and risk not being understood too.

I do not have the risks you have - being arrested etc sounds very frightening - but do very much sympathise with how destabilising therapy can be. I don't have answers but maybe you could discuss this with her.

Someone posted this link the other day and I found the videos quite enlightening. In a moving way. http://www.dissociation.co.uk/

 

[Donna-1]

Thank you, the first video was great. He hit the mark on every point: the internal persecutor, the fear of attachment, the therapist's tailoring their work to the individual client, etc. I find myself having an internal discussion about whether I am in capable hands. I was a little alarmed, one session, when she said she had "borrowed a book on dissociation from a fellow therapist and found it quite helpful." As if she had no training herself. There is definitely a continuum of dissociation. From being distracted while driving, to not remembering you bought a shotgun and placed it on the kitchen table. My T said she had had clients who dissociated, but I'm thinking it may not be to the extent that occurs with DID. One of the books she let me borrow was "Trauma Releasing Exercises." And I found the information in it to be quite absurd and not useful at all. But when I talked to my T about the author's statements (and I quoted him verbatim) I could tell she hadn't even read the book herself. I really don't want a therapist who is learning about DID on-the-fly while she works with me.

 

[Abstract]

I think in some respects it can be helpful dividing dissociation into two types. Personality splitting and depersonalisation/trance/derealisation etc.

If I had DID I would want someone experienced in personality splitting specifically. I don't know if you have looked at Structural dissociation theory or not (primary, secondary and tertiary) but that may help you clarify the differences and find the words too.

It sounds like you are asking yourself all the right questions.

 

[Donna-1]

Thank you, I will check out Structural Dissociation Theory.

 

[JustBe]

I think you're on the right track Donna, time for a new Therapist.

 

[Donna-1]

I have had about 10 therapists in the last 10 years. I swore this would be the final try. It is so fatiguing to attempt this kind of therapeutic work when I have a life to live! Bills to pay! Dreams to dream! Maybe I will talk about all my concerns with her Wednesday and see what she has to say. Any therapist worth her salt will admit whether she is experienced enough in any one area to actually help, right?

 

[piratelady]

Maybe I will talk about all my concerns with her Wednesday and see what she has to say.

I think that is the best thing you can do. A therapeutic relationship is no different in the respect that there can be misunderstandings and miscommunications. The best way to deal with it is to talk about it. See what she says and then go from there. Good luck and I would be interested to know how it turns out.