Childhood What I Saw, Heard, And Felt As A Child... It's Still With Me At Age 44

[judypieking]

How to describe... Laying on the bathroom floor listening at the vent to Mommy crying and Daddy yelling. Why did I have to do that? As the story goes if I didn't listen I would miss my chance to either hide, run, or go with mommy.

If Mommy left, Dad would come down and take it out on my brother and me. He would make an excuse it was us that they were fighting about and hit us with the belt.. Not just a few slaps mind you... full swings as hard as he could and ya know he always missed your butt and get your legs and your back.

Or maybe that time I had to watch him tie our German Sheppard named Zowie to the tree in the back yard by the neck with a chain and beat her with it till she couldn't cry any more with me watching threw my bedroom window begging him to stop. Was I going to be next? She had to be put down that week.

Sometimes if I was quick I could make it out the bathroom window and get to the car before mom did and she might take me with her... Not always the case.

I had to listen to every word, curse, the horrible things they said to each other and sometimes here a slap or dad would break something or throw the TV down the stairs. I had to know when I might not be safe.

My father tried to teach me how to tell time. He was so angry why I didn't know how yet and got an alarm clock. He set the time and asked me "What time is it?" I said I don't know daddy... He placed me in front of the counter so I couldn't run and hit me between 6 to 10 times with the belt. then he set the clock again... What time is it now he said? I'm crying and say I don't know.. he hits me again.. he did this way of teaching for about an hour till he got tired.... I still cant look at a clock to this day and tell the correct time very well.

My father ambushed me at the end of the driveway because I was 2 minutes late getting home on my bike. He jumped from behind the bushes and jerked me off the bike and hit me with the clip end of the dog leash all over my back...

I find mommy upstairs with a gun pointed to her head and I cried please don't kill yourself I love you mommy...

Mommy runs out in the middle of a snowstorm in he night gown with no shoes... Dad just sits down to watch TV... I snuck out with a blanket and fallowed her tracks in the snow like a tracker and found her in a little ball just crying. I covered her and helped her home...

My fathers love for me was called the love tap... His hands were big and callous and he would slap me in the face to say he loved me and then tell me to kiss him on the cheek saying give me some sugar...

I could go on and on with these childhood memories but at the moment this is all I can bare

 

[Intrepid]

Yeah. I know what you mean. For me it was my mom. I'm sure she's still here, waiting for me to get out of line. She had a 24" pine stick she used. We called it the board. There was no explanation. It was kind of like a ritual.

I had to fill in the missing gaps by blaming myself. My dad didn't do anything when my mom beat me. He was gone most of the time anyway.

Right now I'm running from her all the time. The 21st century woman seems totally different. She quit drinking and stopped taking out her frustration on her kids. It doesn't make any difference. I am running, hiding, or just armoring up anyway. Its like I can't tell the difference between then an now.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

 

[In Exile]

That's tough. I grew up in a really abusive family as well.

 

[Rumors]

Really sorry @Judypieking. Sounds horrible and heartbreaking. I hope time will bring you peace.

 

[In Exile]

It's tough. I didn't realize how bad things were in my family until I started having kids. I look at my two children, a girl, 6, and boy, 4. They are the ages where I have memories so I can compare. They get unconditional love. They are protected from the world. Their father doesn't beat them or their mother. There are only reasonable rules and reasonable punishment. They are allowed to express their emotions without their father coming unglued or their mother freaking out.

I still fight the demons. I've just started another round of therapy, so they come out more. It's a dark time now.

 

[Kintsugi]

It breaks my heart that anyone should have to suffer what you've survived. I'm sending you warm wishes of comfort. I hope you find the support you need here.

 

[WillyKat]

I'm so sorry you had to endure that, and I greatly admire your courage @judypieking. Beyond that, any words I could come up with would be inadequate.

I hope you find solace, comfort, and hope here on the forum. Welcome!