SeekingAfrica
MyPTSD Pro
So it's been sort of a full on weekend. I had my second ever teaching class, I saw my brother for a first time in a year and a half, my parents asked him to talk to me about my working or lackthereof when I have issues, because my mom just can't be bothered to try directly talking with me and he left today. Also I was having a bad week because of hormones and medications. Also deadlines for payments are coming and I don't have enough so I have to really push myself, and I'm running out of all kinds of little things that are an expense I can't afford...
So... I kind of really need to do better.
So I've been using the AI therapist to try to break down triggers for my anxiety and sensory overwhelm, I tried baby steps, I tried planning and giving mself a break and breaking things down, and the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise and it's so hard to make a dent in things. I just keep panicking like an old computer that keeps overheating. I tried journaling (digitally because my senses are too overwhelmed). I opened my laptop (old but it's what I got...) rather than tablet for a first time in weeks because my CV variations are on there.
Talking to my brother helped in the wake-up call sense, and achieved one chief thing- he talked to my mother to give me a little break on the constant comment on what I'm doing exactly when I'm anxious and trying to apply. So that has been 50% more effective than me telling her as I'm not in her favor right now.
But at the same time I had isolated worrying to the most immediate issues first.
And since he had promiced my mom to talk about the situation, we had a 2 hour long conversation that kept boiling down to: however bad you are doing right now you have to get over it and get income because they can't help anymore. Which I already know, but I mean when you HAVE to spell out all of your issues and find solutions in a 2 hour talk, it's kind of too much.
And then when I opened my laptop, the last thing on is this journal from 2017 from my first big breakup/jobloss/apartment loss when we split and it was his apartment so I had to move that all happened at the same time. And it's weird that I had some of the same issues, the same problems, the same thoughts when I was here for a week at the time.
It's just sort of too much and I feel too guilty for not handling it well at the time... And now I am older, I have learned a lot but somehow ended in the same position. And it made me feel so nauseous I can't get over it. How did I END UP LIKE THIS? And now this is creating this ripple effect of constantly panicking thereby delaying the resolution of this current issue.... How do I get out of this feeling?
I feel so stupid for not being able to just snap out of it and taking so long...
So... I kind of really need to do better.
So I've been using the AI therapist to try to break down triggers for my anxiety and sensory overwhelm, I tried baby steps, I tried planning and giving mself a break and breaking things down, and the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise and it's so hard to make a dent in things. I just keep panicking like an old computer that keeps overheating. I tried journaling (digitally because my senses are too overwhelmed). I opened my laptop (old but it's what I got...) rather than tablet for a first time in weeks because my CV variations are on there.
Talking to my brother helped in the wake-up call sense, and achieved one chief thing- he talked to my mother to give me a little break on the constant comment on what I'm doing exactly when I'm anxious and trying to apply. So that has been 50% more effective than me telling her as I'm not in her favor right now.
But at the same time I had isolated worrying to the most immediate issues first.
And since he had promiced my mom to talk about the situation, we had a 2 hour long conversation that kept boiling down to: however bad you are doing right now you have to get over it and get income because they can't help anymore. Which I already know, but I mean when you HAVE to spell out all of your issues and find solutions in a 2 hour talk, it's kind of too much.
And then when I opened my laptop, the last thing on is this journal from 2017 from my first big breakup/jobloss/apartment loss when we split and it was his apartment so I had to move that all happened at the same time. And it's weird that I had some of the same issues, the same problems, the same thoughts when I was here for a week at the time.
It's just sort of too much and I feel too guilty for not handling it well at the time... And now I am older, I have learned a lot but somehow ended in the same position. And it made me feel so nauseous I can't get over it. How did I END UP LIKE THIS? And now this is creating this ripple effect of constantly panicking thereby delaying the resolution of this current issue.... How do I get out of this feeling?
I feel so stupid for not being able to just snap out of it and taking so long...