What if I can't forgive myself?

[SeekingAfrica]

So it's been sort of a full on weekend. I had my second ever teaching class, I saw my brother for a first time in a year and a half, my parents asked him to talk to me about my working or lackthereof when I have issues, because my mom just can't be bothered to try directly talking with me and he left today. Also I was having a bad week because of hormones and medications. Also deadlines for payments are coming and I don't have enough so I have to really push myself, and I'm running out of all kinds of little things that are an expense I can't afford...

So... I kind of really need to do better.

So I've been using the AI therapist to try to break down triggers for my anxiety and sensory overwhelm, I tried baby steps, I tried planning and giving mself a break and breaking things down, and the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise and it's so hard to make a dent in things. I just keep panicking like an old computer that keeps overheating. I tried journaling (digitally because my senses are too overwhelmed). I opened my laptop (old but it's what I got...) rather than tablet for a first time in weeks because my CV variations are on there.

Talking to my brother helped in the wake-up call sense, and achieved one chief thing- he talked to my mother to give me a little break on the constant comment on what I'm doing exactly when I'm anxious and trying to apply. So that has been 50% more effective than me telling her as I'm not in her favor right now.

But at the same time I had isolated worrying to the most immediate issues first.

And since he had promiced my mom to talk about the situation, we had a 2 hour long conversation that kept boiling down to: however bad you are doing right now you have to get over it and get income because they can't help anymore. Which I already know, but I mean when you HAVE to spell out all of your issues and find solutions in a 2 hour talk, it's kind of too much.

And then when I opened my laptop, the last thing on is this journal from 2017 from my first big breakup/jobloss/apartment loss when we split and it was his apartment so I had to move that all happened at the same time. And it's weird that I had some of the same issues, the same problems, the same thoughts when I was here for a week at the time.

It's just sort of too much and I feel too guilty for not handling it well at the time... And now I am older, I have learned a lot but somehow ended in the same position. And it made me feel so nauseous I can't get over it. How did I END UP LIKE THIS? And now this is creating this ripple effect of constantly panicking thereby delaying the resolution of this current issue.... How do I get out of this feeling?

I feel so stupid for not being able to just snap out of it and taking so long...

 

[mszl]

You're not stupid because getting out of depression and mental health problems is not an intellectual process. Few days I've heard similar things. "Get over it", "get yourself together", "you are not the only one that has depression"... The thing is, it's not that simple. For me it seem even impossible and frankly, at the moment you seem to have more resolve than I do in trying to heal and get together.

You are stronger than you think and I believe you will be able to turn your life for better.

Take care. Have some elephant for support:

 

[SeekingAfrica]

You're not stupid because getting out of depression and mental health problems is not an intellectual process. Few days I've heard similar things. "Get over it", "get yourself together", "you are not the only one that has depression"... The thing is, it's not that simple. For me it seem even impossible and frankly, at the moment you seem to have more resolve than I do in trying to heal and get together.

You are stronger than you think and I believe you will be able to turn your life for better.

Take care. Have some elephant for support:

Thank you, this was really supportive and helpful, I needed to hear this!!
I hope both of us find enough strength for going through or coping with those issues.
I'll give it another shot tomorrow. Setting up a bullet journal I'm excited about for a first time in weeks.

The a6 one just didn't have enough space for the current chaos in me. I am going to try 400 page expanded notebook so I have space for daily pages, maybe even with a note page next to it. I need prayer and affirmations or highlights, weather, just lots of bits and bobs. I don't have much mental space, so I'll use the bullet journal to try and get that. In aaaall pages I need. If it works it's worth using up that special notebook. (Paper planning has been the only planning working for me for a decade,so...)

 

[arfie]

for my own psycho nickel, forgiving myself is a hundred times harder than forgiving other people. i'm smart and capable enough that i should be able to snap out of it and carry on like the noble warrior i feel like i was meant to be. so, what's with all the mental static. my fault. . . where's my self-flagellation whip? can i put more tacks on the tassels? get with it, bitch! ! ! stand and deliver! ! !

sigh. . .
i hate it when the universe forgets i was duly elected, "queen of the universe." it is especially unforgivable when **i** forget to obey my own orders! as the queen of hearts was fond of saying in alice's wonderland, "off with my head! ! !" well. . . something like that.

sigh again. . .
healing takes what it takes, afri. trust the healing mysteries and go where they flow. time has no meaning in the healing process.
you're doing better than it feels. small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.

forgive yourself for being sick.

 

[Friday]

my parents asked him to talk to me about my working or lackthereof when I have issues, because my mom just can't be bothered to try directly talking with me and he left today.

That reads as kindness & caring & consideration, to me… attempting to find you a peer you relate to, and are more comfortable with, than they know you feel with them. Someone who can speak to your heart, where they see they are failing. Rather than can’t be bothered, is profoundly bothered. She can’t reach you, so is trying to find someone who can.

Talking to my brother helped in the wake-up call sense, and achieved one chief thing- he talked to my mother to give me a little break on the constant comment on what I'm doing exactly when I'm anxious and trying to apply. So that has been 50% more effective than me telling her as I'm not in her favor right now.

Doubly good, he was able to reassure her, whilst connecting with you.

How did I END UP LIKE THIS?

A very distracting rabbit hole that you already know the answers to that question. Do you need the distraction to maintain, or does it divert only?

but I mean when you HAVE to spell out all of your issues and find solutions in a 2 hour talk, it's kind of too much.

No lie. Brutally difficult.

And now this is creating this ripple effect of constantly panicking thereby delaying the resolution of this current issue.... How do I get out of this feeling?

Purpose.

I feel so stupid for not being able to just snap out of it and taking so long...

Guilt is an even better distraction, but fruitless. Ditch it. IMO. Focus, instead, on vibrancy. Grace. Curiosity. Fierceness.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

She can’t reach you, so is trying to find someone who can.

But can that count, if I repeatedly tried to reach them, and was constantly told they don't want to talk? How is that caring for me if I desperately tried talking to them and they sent him with no warning whatsoever ever?
Please help me understand.

The good thing is my brother's words worked on me starting to plan my week and breaking tasks down finally.
They also worked on my parents trying to be more considerate.
Not always but noticeably more.
Bad thing is that as mentioned to begin the talk I had to spill my guts to him but in very short time.
So my body is still kind of reeling with anxiety, I get randomly panicked no matter what I do, many times daily so far. And I keep thinking of issues I had to spell out for him, but have no time to cope with yet.

The guilt thing? I've noticed I have issue with through my whole life even for things I'm not responsible for.
So when it's something literally bad I've done? Way worse. I simply have no filter for guilt, I tend to feel it way worse than it is and even knowing that I don't always have way to filter it. I used to add distraction page in my planner and each time I get overly worried or guilty etc, anything I can't take action on, I'd add it there... maybe I'll do that again. And I'll write all those words you suggested to replace it with.
Toxic guilt is an issue I've had since I was 6 years old... I agree that it doesn't help that it peaks at worst times.

Also I suppose distractions are easy currently, my focus is kind of shattered.
I'll try to remember your words.
Update:
I'm sorry, I Don't like how I sound in this message, defeated or rude, I'm just stressed and words seem not to come out like I want them to....