What is a "friend"?

[TruthSeeker]

I keep it simple:

Define Friend: if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck it’s a friend. If it walks like a duck and talks like a dick- it isn’t.

Characteristics: follow through ( walking like a duck) and honesty- (talking like a duck ). ?

 

[Changing4Best]

One extra thing my friends do for me is to supply a need. I am not talking about money here, but rides, because I don't drive. So, for instance, this week I am going to a hospital far away from here to have a sleep study. I have to be there at 9 PM, when buses do not run. I have a friend who is taking me and picking me up the next morning at an extremely early hour. She is a priceless friend to me! She goes above and beyond the "call of duty."

 

[bellbird]

Gosh, thank you so much all -- your posts have given me a lot of food for thought and I am very appreciative.

Trust and communication are vital to me personally. Give and take. Honesty. And to feel valued.

Yes, these do resonate with me as well.

I bet you are like me in the sense that you would rather someone visit because they wanted to see me, as opposed to showing up out of obligation. I think that would upset me more than them not showing up.

Yes, absolutely.
I can't do fakeness, I'd rather it just not be there at all.

It's our ability to 'let go' when the time comes that shows our own self-worth.

Ooh! This got me. Will definitely sit with this.

We can have 'layers' of friends. Some very close, some causal that will stand the test of time, others will go by the wayside.

Hmm, this too.

I am glad you did have someone that was present for you. Cherish them, and let

Thank you, I really do cherish that friend.
We were at playcentre (a type of kindergarten) together, and she was the oooonly person I wanted to be friends with.
We never attended the same school or university since, and hadn't seen each other for, hmm, six years? And I think even that occasion was unplanned ? life has just been happening for both of us, I suppose. She bought a house with her partner, completed a double degree, amongst other things. And I... well, I guess I've been busy, but with things that look less impressive on paper.
But there she was, sitting by my hospital bed. Like there had been absolutely no time lost.

It’s important to look at the whole picture and not make a decision based on one incident.

Someone who takes you in when you’re homeless? Indeed a friend!

Are you able to look at the whole picture with these friendships?

Ooh, yeah. You're right. This is definitely something I need to work on as well. Thank you @EveHarrington .
I suppose my next thought then is, how to weigh these "negative" occurrences eg. the hospital saga, with all the positives. And how to do that objectively, (is that even possible?), given that our brains inherently place more emphasis on negative events than positive ones.

Are you someone who prefers lots of friends, or just a few close friends?

I think I definitely value the quality of a friendship over their quantity.
Like with my hospital example, I think my issue is that 5 friends said they would.. but didn't, not that only one friend did. If that makes sense.

I keep it simple:

Define Friend: if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck it’s a friend. If it walks like a duck and talks like a dick- it isn’t.

Characteristics: follow through ( walking like a duck) and honesty- (talking like a duck ). ?

I'll admit, the first time I read this, I was a touch confused (thanks, nightmare-induced sleep deprivation :D ) as to what ducks had to do with friendship.

But alas, I have a slightly more functioning brain today. -- great thoughts there and gave me a little chuckle; thank you @Wilbur :)

She is a priceless friend to me!

She sounds it, @Changing4Best :)
I feel an important friend characteristic entwined with that, is (brain failing again, can think of the succinct version) doing things out of the goodness of one's heart, and not because you expect something in return.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Gosh, thank you so much all -- your posts have given me a lot of food for thought and I am very appreciative.

Yes, these do resonate with me as well.

Yes, absolutely.
I can't do fakeness, I'd rather it just not be there at all.

Ooh! This got me. Will definitely sit with this.

Hmm, this too.

Thank you, I really do cherish that friend.
We were at playcentre (a type of kindergarten) together, and she was the oooonly person I wanted to be friends with.
We never attended the same school or university since, and hadn't seen each other for, hmm, six years? And I think even that occasion was unplanned ? life has just been happening for both of us, I suppose. She bought a house with her partner, completed a double degree, amongst other things. And I... well, I guess I've been busy, but with things that look less impressive on paper.
But there she was, sitting by my hospital bed. Like there had been absolutely no time lost.

Ooh, yeah. You're right. This is definitely something I need to work on as well. Thank you @EveHarrington .
I suppose my next thought then is, how to weigh these "negative" occurrences eg. the hospital saga, with all the positives. And how to do that objectively, (is that even possible?), given that our brains inherently place more emphasis on negative events than positive ones.

I think I definitely value the quality of a friendship over their quantity.
Like with my hospital example, I think my issue is that 5 friends said they would.. but didn't, not that only one friend did. If that makes sense.

I'll admit, the first time I read this, I was a touch confused (thanks, nightmare-induced sleep deprivation :D ) as to what ducks had to do with friendship.

But alas, I have a slightly more functioning brain today. -- great thoughts there and gave me a little chuckle; thank you @Wilbur :)

She sounds it, @Changing4Best :)
I feel an important friend characteristic entwined with that, is (brain failing again, can think of the succinct version) doing things out of the goodness of one's heart, and not because you expect something in return.

I think there are so many kinds of friends on so many different levels. I have friends I play music with- and we do some social things. I think I’ve always known the boundaries of each friendship in the music group. I wasn’t clingy, or needy, we just got together to share a talent and enjoy the company. There are no expectations beyond an enjoyable day. But Whilevwrbare connectives once per month by music and food, we have many positive memories that bind us together.

I have one special friend who I met through work and also music. I am truly grateful to have known her in my life and would trust only her with my soul. Sadly, most of my family relationships are gone for now and relationships I once cared about so very damaged. They trigger my stress so I just avoid them. Friends, real friends, don’t just happen and always focusing on the negative stuff is not a friend keeper... so I share very little about mental health stuff- it’s not necessary as I’m always changing. But if I’m having a bad day- I just keep it to that w/o all the emotion and details.

 

[Freida]

For me? I'd rather have one or two good friends than a bunch of halfway friends. My two besties are people I can always count on to tell me the truth - even when I don't like it. I also know I can call them in the middle of the night and they will answer. But it's a two way street -- we do these things for each other. Other than them I have lots of acquaintances, people I have coffee with and visit with but don't rely on.

 

[Changing4Best]

I can tell you about what I think a friend is not, too, because one day I had a "friend" who promised me something. It was deeply important to me, so when she broke that promise, I was understandably upset. Well! She got upset that I got angry with her, like you can never get angry or disappointed when a "friend" lets you down? I called her the next day to apologize and she did not accept my apology. She got all self righteous and huffy about it. NOT A FRIEND, period. I see her occasionally, I hug her, etc., but she is cold as a fish to me now. So I let her go.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I can tell you about what I think a friend is not, too, because one day I had a "friend" who promised me something. It was deeply important to me, so when she broke that promise, I was understandably upset. Well! She got upset that I got angry with her, like you can never get angry or disappointed when a "friend" lets you down? I called her the next day to apologize and she did not accept my apology. She got all self righteous and huffy about it. NOT A FRIEND, period. I see her occasionally, I hug her, etc., but she is cold as a fish to me now. So I let her go.

Good choice. I think friendships are made over time and tested along the way. Your friend kinda failed. But better now than 10 years from now. One good trustworthy friend is worth more than 10 hot/ cold can’t always count on friends!

 

[shatter eyes]

when I was in the hospital I had more people visit me that I considered acquaintances.

In sociology there is something called weak-link theory. It is about exactly what you experienced. Same for job referrals etc etc.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have one support friend that I met in a mental hospital about 2 years ago. We only can call one another by phone, because she lives rather far from here. None the less, I can call her and tell her about what is bothering me and she can do the same with me. We talk it out, and somehow, just being listened to helps. Also, once in awhile, we can give advice, if it seems needed.

She was in the hospital about a month ago. She had a relative call me and give me the number where she could be reached in the Hospital, because she was not able to call me long distance from the H. So, I called and found out it was super serious. She had colitis and was to be operated upon once she regained her strength. They were going to give her a colostomy bag!

I put her on the PRAYER REQUESTS thread here, asked for prayer for her at church and from everyone I could think of. Well, guess, what, she was miraculously healed and no longer needed the operation! You never know what a friend can do for you, and that friend is God, of course!

 

[Lionheart]

I have an extended family. That is to say that they are friends that I have known for a long time or know really well. They are like blood relatives to me. I love them as I love family. I can call on them when I am in need and if they possibly can, they will be there for me and the same goes for me. I can be myself around them at all times.

Then I have two special, close friends that I love from my heart of hearts. One is an old flame and the other is a forum friend who I have known for about 8 years. We can talk to one another about anything. There is honest, open communication and mutual trust and caring. These are very special friendships.

Then there are forum friends that have supported and encouraged me and although I am not the best at reading other's diaries, I try to be supportive and understanding of them too. I consider them close friends because I can talk candidly about matters that are important to me and I am met with compassionate support, encouragement, and understanding.

There are also every day, run of the mill type friends who may or may not be especially reliable, but whom I care about nonetheless. These are few and far between. Also there are friends who I have known a long time that say they will be there for me, but in reality I know I cannot rely on them, so I keep them at arms length. I still care about them and I believe they care about me too, but I trust them with different things, at different levels.

Then there are acquaintances, those people who are Facebook "friends" and the like. I may or may not have ever met them in person. I do not invest a lot of trust in these folks nor do I consider them to be true or close friends. We are cordial and may care about one another, but it is on a much more superficial level. I do not count on these people to be there for me in times of need no do they call on me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there are different levels of friendship and trust, openness and caring. But basically a friend to my mind, is someone that I trust, that I can rely on, and I can be my true self with. I don't know if I have described or explained myself very well, but the point is there are different levels of friendship and the meaning of friendship changes accordingly.

 

[grit]

I really understand being in the hospital and friends telling you they will visit and then do not. I really do feel that and understand that but if this was me I would be caution not to base friendship on one disappointment incident especially when I am not fully aware of what is happening in their own life because I would be conscious that others have feelings and limitations unlike mine. So on that note of one incident, I cannot define friendship but on the whole, friendship to me means two things.

It is a bridge between family and intimate partner. Someone that I enjoy being with. There is a trust, respect but different from family, there is a truth and that is it. I highlight the truth because families have certain dynamics that keeps the boat and the friendship is built on that boat that I am driving. So my friendships are as good or as bad or as damaged or as joyful as I am. Where family I cannot really say the same thing!

The truth is a deep understanding of boundaries and humanity and that I am here for you and you are here for me and we will disappointing and we will hurt but we are here for each other and hope we can talk about it. That is the ultimate friendship but like everything else in life, nothing is ever at optimum. So anything can become as healthy or as dysfunction as we are at any moment.

For me as I mentioned in other thread similar, the healthier i become, the more I attract and keep friends who are supportive and I am supportive but not enmeshed or distant as I used to be.

 

[talon]

Hello everyone,
Would appreciate your thoughts on this.

What are the defining/important features of a "friend" / "friendship", for you?


I'm having a bit of difficulty with this concept at the moment and being able to answer those questions for myself.

Recently, I had spinal fusion surgery and was in hospital for just over 2 weeks (about 2-3 times longer than anticipated due to a number of complications).
During that time, I had just one friend come and visit, despite 5 others who I would have even considered "close friends" knowing that I was in hospital, telling me they would visit, and then ghosting. A few I've heard from randomly since, and some not.

I think it was @blackemerald1 who suggested in my surgery thread that I reconsider what friendship actually means to me, so I thought it might be helpful to put the question to the group to see if there's any consensus :)

Thanks!

A friend or a friendship is enduring . we may appear to have many friends but in reality real true friends are the ones who are there for you always whether life is good or bad . A friend in need is a friend indeed . So many so called friends melt away when problems arrive . Some are called good time friends simply because they are there in the good times but when the party is over they disappear