Relationship What Is My Role In His Therapy?

[CCurry]

I have a couple of questions regarding my bf's therapy and what is my role in it? First of all my bf is very open with me about what is discussed in his sessions (I'm lucky that way). The last few sessions they've had seems to have focused on how this ptsd is impacting our relationship and the guilt that he has over that. While I'm pleased to know that he really is concerned about keeping this relationship I also feel that there has been little focus on his actual trauma (23 years of active combat). When he told me yesterday that they spoke about his guilt again I asked him don't you think these sessions should be focused on your trauma? His response to me was he's rehashed his trauma over and over again in therapy (years ago) and there is no making sense of all the things that have happened. According to him his therapist is focusing on his guilt. Okay I'm the first to say I'm no expert on these matters but it just doesn't make sense to me.

The other thing that I'm peeved about is every time we turn around she's on another holiday. Now that she's finally back she's booked up next week and so his next appointment with her is 2 weeks from now. He is not even stabilized yet and I feel like she should be squeezing him in somewhere?

Now here's the part that I might need your direction on. Last night my bf ended up in the ER because of self-harm. He cut himself and needed stitches. He always downplays things so I'm not sure how bad it was but they were keeping him for a little while to make sure everything else was okay. They suggested he let his therapist know of this but he hasn't called today and I'm not sure he will.

I was about to send her off an email just to let her know about this and the fact that I think he's in more of a crisis then she believes he is BUT I stopped myself before I pressed send. I am learning how it is in the therapy world but at the same time I see that he's not good. He's asked me not to come over to his apt because he is in a really bad place and doesnt' know if someone comes to the door whether he'll harm them.

I should also say that I'm more than just a mere gf, we've been together for years now, bought a house together and 3 months ago he had to take on this apt because he wasn't sure if he'd harm me or the kids if he was in a bad disociation.

 

[Grainne]

CC - I've been thinking about this post of yours since I first read it and I have not quite been able to come up with any suggestions for you. I think you were right not to contact his therapist. I would be very upset if my husband called up my therapist and told her something...especially something that I might not yet be ready to work on with her. What is shared and when really must be left up to your bf to decide...even if you know he is not sharing something with her that he should. There are things I have not yet shared with my therapist that I likely should, if I want to get the most out of therapy...and I will, when the time is right for me.

That said, from what I've read about your bf in your posts, I happen to agree with you. I think he needs to be on a regular therapy routine (weekly) with a therapist he is very comfortable with. I think he should be assessed by professional to see if meds will help him. Trouble is, I'm not him. He really needs to focus his energy on getting better, feeling better, finding ways to cope rather than isolating himself but, like I've said before, this has to be his choice.

This is my husbands 'role' in my therapy, just for your reference: He never asks. He knows therapy is on Thursdays so he always tries to get home early to help with C if he is able. Thursday nights he usually brings home a bottle of wine (lol...my treat for going is two glasses of red before bed). Thursdays, he does the picking up around the house, bathes C and puts him to bed. He will usually ask me how I am feeling. He never ever asks for details...but because he gives me so much emotional space, I tend to share them with him on my own. We have started a routine of having a coffee on Saturday mornings, nice and early, and we discuss anything therapy/ptsd related then. Gives us an open forum to talk freely about the things we are both feeling/experiencing. If it's been a particularly bad week, we just vent about work to clear that stress from our heads and then enjoy as much of the day as we can. He listens patiently to me when I need to work out something that came up in therapy....a new idea or feeling. He tries hard to understand where I am coming from...and if he finds he can't, he just listens. Sometimes he just lets me be and takes C out for the day. For me, the perfect support is this. I feel like I can go to him with something confusing or scary and he listens. He doesn't try to solve my problems (I'm so very thankful he finally stopped doing that!! Years of it...!) he just sits with me. Or not. :) He's learned to gauge me well.

When your bf digs deep and finds that strength to face it all, he will start to heal. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, in truth but...me starting therapy and starting to find methods, ways to cope and move forward, had absolutely nothing to do with my husband. It was all my choice, my motivation and my will. I think the only thing you can really do is help him find the strength to really, really, really try.

I hope I haven't overstepped. xo I think of you two often.

Grainne

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

I have also been pondering this, and I know you are in a tough spot. Did I ever mention to you when my daughter was hospitalized she REFUSED to sign the release for them to talk to me? (She voluntarily admitted herself). So tread carefully regarding contacting his counselor on his behalf. Remember, this is his therapy and he has to deal with it on his timeframe and in his way.

My husband knows my appts. are on Wednesday evenings. He cooks dinner for him and the kids (I never have the stomach to eat after my appts.), lets me adjust to being home however I need too (I may retreat to the TV, may take a bath, or may feel like chatting - you can never tell), and doesn't ask questions. When I'm ready, I will share with him.

I will say that a large portion of my therapy is about current relationships (and the effect that my PTSD and abuse have on them), coping skills, and job stressors (maintenance, maintenance etc.). While we do deal with my traumas as well - it's not the largest part and I would be less likely to mention that part of my session to my husband anyway.

I am so sorry he has been hospitalized again (but glad he didn't more seriously harm himself). I would "hope" that the hospital might would contact his counselor/therapist for a follow-up appt. before he is released.

Thinking of you...............

 

[Nicolette]

I am sorry to hear what has happened CC. It must be terrible feeling so helpless yet wanting to do anything you can.

The only suggestion I can offer is to see if your bf is willing to find and try another therapist.

Wishing you both well.

 

[CCurry]

SBF- I so wish the hospital would have followed through with contacting his therapist and as I suspected this was no little incident...it ended up being more than just a little cut. As usual though, he knows how to be cool, and work those doctors.

I'm leaving the therapist issue with him and in reading alot of what you guys posted about trust, I don't think it's wise for me to point out any deficiences.

I do feel however that she does need to clarify with me when it would be appropriate to email her as I think safety should always come first.

C.