What Is Reality?

[DogwoodTree]

Am I creating the reality I "want" deep down, or am I simply discovering what is real and finally acknowledging it?

I grew up in two types of churches...one with my dad, and one with my mom (they divorced when I was really young).

My dad's church/denomination is somewhat victim-oriented...the whole world is out to get them, they're suffering along to one day be in Heaven, and the whole idea is to stand firm as reality attacks them. Not a very healthy outlook on life.

My mom's church/denomination is very faith-oriented...you create your reality with your faith, believe the best and you'll get the best, if something bad happens to you then it's evidence your faith isn't strong enough. Not much space there for problems to exist.

Admittedly, some of that is my interpretation and polarization of their stances, based on snapshots of conversations or comments or sermons or whatever throughout my childhood. And I know I "filter" some of this stuff in order to see what I already believe about my parents. But that really gets into my question for this thread.

PTSD. Do the symptoms come up because that's what's real...because that's what is happening inside me whether I choose it or not...or do they come up because I focus on all of this so much and see myself this way and so this is the way I become?

I tried for 20 years to be differently. I tried to be the overcomer, the victor over my past, the ardently healed. It feels like...and what I've being saying to myself is that...this buried reality finally jumped out of the dungeon where I had imprisoned it, and smacked me in the face. But maybe it was simply a latent, unconscious desire to live in a victim space for a while...kind of like people have a dream of one day living on the beach, or opening a coffee shop, or getting a college degree, and finally they just make it happen because that's where their desire leads them.

Do I create my own reality based on what I want, consciously or unconsciously? Or is this stuff objectively real, a legitimate expression of reality, a true force that is not actually under my control on some level?

Which cognitive distortion am I conceding to: that I have more control over reality than I actually do (i.e., personalization, magical thinking), or that I'm a very un-powerful victim who's just trying to get by (i.e., mental filter, disqualifying the positive)?

Okay, I realize polarized questions like that are a cognitive distortion in themselves (i.e., all or nothing thinking)...supposed to look for "option C." I think I get so caught up trying to avoid cognitive distortions (i.e., should statements), that there's no room left to have an actual thought.

 

[Eleanor]

I think you are likely on the right track with option C. And you are not at all alone in trying to sort out "the things in our control and the things not in our control." I find it helpful to be very LITERAL. Starting with basics. At what point does the world "push back." Right this second, it is pushing back on my butt, which is helpful to keep me sitting at the table.

Perhaps part of the confusion arises from muddling up realities NOW and realities IN THE FUTURE. The future, I assume, is not entirely fixed (although some parts are, hard to know which ones tho... death and taxes being prototypically sure things, though time of and amounts are variable...) We can aim for a destination in the future and mindfully try to navigate our way their, but things that are actually beyond our control may prevent us getting there when and how we want, or even getting there at all. So... it is tricky and its not a sure bet. This is uncomfortable. But I think it is also true.

 

[Stickler]

...both realities are kind of true. Optimism isn't totally realistic? But is results in more risk-taking, which CAN result in success. Also abject failure, but eventually success, because the odds in the real world are generally semi-favorable for a lot of things. So hard work and positive thinking can get you somewhere.

At the same time, you got really hurt.
Denying that you were injured would be like trying to apply positive thinking to a broken foot. You can claim you're healed all day, in the end your foot still looks like a sausage and hurts like hell.
So you have to go back and fix that injury that you tried to ignore.

People tend to forget that trauma induces deleterious brain and nervous system changes. So, it damages us.
They say " It's all in your head!". Well, yes. The organ dysfunction occurs there. It's not like we want to be hobbling along with a brain that's not working properly, having to use coping skills and ( for many) meds to function.
Or not functioning. It's ass. It's all just really ass. If we could just snap out of it, we would.

 

[shimmerz]

Do the symptoms come up because that's what's real...because that's what is happening inside me whether I choose it or not...or do they come up because I focus on all of this so much and see myself this way and so this is the way I become?

This is a super interesting question to me. And I think that it is a bit of both.

I was not told about my trauma, which was before the age of two and pre-adoption. My adoptive parents knew that bad things happened to me. It is documented as to how I responded 'unusually' when I was adopted. I was never told.

Things went wrong with me 3 times in my life. All having to do with moving. I was unaware that moving was any type of trigger until 6 years ago (and it took a T to put the pieces together for me)..... but my body told me there was something wrong and I lost all will for life during these times. This was not ME creating my reality. This was my reality creating ME...imho.

Now that I recognize that certain things (say....moving), are a trigger for me, with my new skills that I have gained through therapy, reading etc, it is important that I reframe things as much as possible. I am not 'moving', I am travelling. I know I can't pack boxes, until I have dealt properly with boxes by losing the connection between them and how it feels to 'move'.

So, I guess what I am saying is that I can create a NEW reality for the days moving forward.... and it won't be easy, but I can make my brain make new connections to the 'moving' feeling. And I don't care if I am kidding myself when I say I am travelling instead of moving. And I connect to that today..... I will make the connection to moving later if it is possible (and a healthy connection).

Whatever it takes. As long as I am grounded in the reality that I am consciously doing this to move from a dysfunctional reality to a healthy reality....

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I do not know as I am still trying to figure that one out myself. I have no answers only empathy and I so understand the question.

 

[Friday]

Usually in either / or questions, I tend to find the answer is "yes". :p


For example... A panic attack.

In the beginning? There's no control. They just happen. Then you learn to shorten how long they last for. And to change your attitude in the middle (end, or beginning) of them, so that while your body may be going 0-90, your mind isn't along for the ride. Then you learn the warning signs in advance and can actually stop them before they happen... Leading to fewer and fewer of them. So they get shorter, happen less often, and even when they do they are nowhere near as devastating.

Given all that? Sometimes we -deliberately or not- make shit harder for ourselves. Feeing into the panic, instead of backing our shit down. And sometimes? No matter how good we are at handling them 99% of the time, and even though we are not feeding into them at all, but using every trick in the damn book... They hit just as hard as they did in the beginning before we knew how to sort ourselves out.

In my experience... The same is true with every other aspect of PTSD. Some of it is within my control, some of it is outside of my control, and some of it is me believing I don't have control when I do, & some of it is me believing I have control when I don't.

Spectrums... Instead if binary. And I fall in different places on that spectrum at different times. Which creates different truths for that moment. That a thing can be true today and false tomorrow? Doesn't mean both have to match. There can be more than one right answer. Even at the same time.

Which cognitive distortion are you using? Probably several. Different ones at different times.

One thing that's helped me with that... Is looking for patterns.

When X, I tend to do Y.
When A, I tend to do B.

Even if X & A are the exact opposite of each other? It doesn't matter. Because I'm looking at the pattern itself. Not trying to see how X can happen if A happens and then trying to prove one false. Nope. They both happen. They both need sorting.

Looking at the relationship of 180 degree different things CAN be useful! But only if I'm acknowledging that they both happen.

 

[Chava]

PTSD. Do the symptoms come up because that's what's real...because that's what is happening inside me whether I choose it or not...or do they come up because I focus on all of this so much and see myself this way and so this is the way I become?

A lot of good questions right here. I'm not sure I can answer usefully, but to me PTSD symptoms (the really troubling ones) are not by choice at all and are primarily related to nervous system responses...well below the level of our judging, choosing frontal brain. It sounds like you are describing beliefs and cognitive processes. They are not the same, and yet they easily become glued together (like the feelings of worthlessness and shame and the messages we repeat to ourselves and how we start to filter information or only see the negative, etc.). You do sort of become what you focus on...that's a message from deep within many Eastern philosophies and religions.

So, if you over-identify with your trauma and old beliefs that might have gotten tied to it, you can very much influence your current state. But I don't think that is the same as creating PTSD symptoms. And yet, how you feel about yourself and how you hold on to beliefs might influence how you handle symptoms. For me, it's been hard to tolerate good feelings...they create extra shame. So I've had to slowly work sort of step-by-step (like tolerating healthier choices, or at least interesting distractions, over self-harm or letting myself drown in horrible feelings and self-talk). If you can work on recognizing and sifting through some beliefs, you might be able to respond differently, especially when triggered (get rid of what makes no sense to you or does not fit, or at least keep recognizing and questioning it).

I'm not sure if that makes sense how I'm explaining it. Basically I don't think PTSD symptoms are created by our thinking or beliefs (PTSD just doesn't work like that...if it did we could all think our way out of it, but no...the nervous system does not always respond perfectly to our reason). But how we respond or move out of the symptoms and deal with everyday life can very much be influenced by old beliefs and patterns of thinking.

 

[The Albatross]

Option C for me please. To me that was a foundation of being saved by grace... refined for a purpose, set apart as His instrument. I know some peeps go into freak out when scripture is quoted but...

2 Timothy 1:9 NIV of my holy book (the OP doesn't share theirs) says: "He has saved us and called us to a holy life--not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,"

I actually like the Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary (Parallel commentary) for 2 Timothy 1:6-14, which says:

"God has not given us the spirit of fear, but the spirit of power, of courage and resolution, to meet difficulties and dangers; the spirit of love to him, which will carry us through opposition. And the spirit of a sound mind, quietness of mind. The Holy Spirit is not the author of a timid or cowardly disposition, or of slavish fears. We are likely to bear afflictions well, when we have strength and power from God to enable us to bear them. As is usual with Paul, when he mentions Christ and his redemption, he enlarges upon them; so full was he of that which is all our salvation, and ought to be all our desire.

The call of the gospel is a holy call, making holy. Salvation is of free grace. This is said to be given us before the world began, that is, in the purpose of God from all eternity; in Christ Jesus, for all the gifts that come from God to sinful man, come in and through Christ Jesus alone. And as there is so clear a prospect of eternal happiness by faith in Him, who is the Resurrection and the Life, let us give more diligence in making his salvation sure to our souls. Those who cleave to the gospel, need not be ashamed, the cause will bear them out; but those who oppose it, shall be ashamed.

The apostle had trusted his life, his soul, and eternal interests, to the Lord Jesus. No one else could deliver and secure his soul through the trials of life and death. There is a day coming, when our souls will be inquired after. Thou hadst a soul committed to thee; how was it employed? In the service of sin, or in the service of Christ? The hope of the lowest real Christian rests on the same foundation as that of the great apostle. He also has learned the value and the danger of his soul; he also has believed in Christ; and the change wrought in his soul, convinces the believer that the Lord Jesus will keep him to his heavenly kingdom.

Paul exhorts Timothy to hold fast the Holy Scriptures, the substance of solid gospel truth in them. It is not enough to assent to the sound words, but we must love them. The Christian doctrine is a trust committed to us; it is of unspeakable value in itself, and will be of unspeakable advantage to us. It is committed to us, to be preserved pure and entire, yet we must not think to keep it by our own strength, but by the power of the Holy Spirit dwelling in us; and it will not be gained by those who trust in their own hearts, and lean to their own understandings."

 

[VioletButterfly]

Wow, metaphysically deep and I have a degree in Philosophy;). I hear you though and have trudged and am still trudging through the same thought process. I agree with the others who responded that PTSD must be considered as it does impact your entire being, so it is going to impact your life. You can rework neural pathways, however; or so I am told (I'm not there yet). I'm keeping the faith on this one, hoping to make some sense of it and find some peace.

When nothing else in the world makes sense and I tire of trying to control my life, I turn to my faith. This is something I can speak to from my perspective. For me, faith is not the same thing as religion. What you seem to describe above is religion. I had that growing up in a Baptist church - old school. Ugh! I have learned though that religion is a man-made construct through which we can gather together and practice our faith, whatever that might be. Worship isn't just going to church - it's praying, reading the Word, listening to worship music, talking to God, praying, etc... Although I love my church, I see myself as part of the whole and, as such, I have my own, personal relationship with God. For me, it has definitely been a walk that has deepened as I've walked through more of life and dealt with more challenges. If you want faith to be part of your reality, I think it makes a good foundation, but I also respect how PTSD figures into the equation of my reality. I also believe that God knows all of this too. He tells me that regardless of what I am dealing with, I am unconditionally loved, redeemed, protected, that I am special and that I have a specific purpose as part of a bigger plan, etc... That love and trust trump fear. That there is a reason for the struggles - to build trust and faith in Him and to teach you skills to prepare you for your purpose. Just my take as a Christian.

Figuring out what reality is, is certainly a challenge. I try to stay in the moment and walk in faith one day at a time, but as a human being I stumble and fall short. For me, it's not about perfection, it's about intention. It's all I can manage right now and that is okay with me and my God. I need to be reminded often that I am not in control. lol I am grateful for this grace in my life.

All my best. Hoping you find a peaceful foundation upon which to build your life. :) VB

 

[Changing4Best]

When I moved to the town I live in now, I went church "shopping." I checked out a number of churches until I felt welcome in one of them. I stayed there and am happy I did. I have a lot of friends in that church now and I feel loved and valued. I still have my days there, like last Tuesday I had to go to 3 meetings in one day! By the 3rd meeting I was meetinged out. It was overkill. Even so, I still love my church. I just will watch out not to go to 3 meetings in one day again if I can help it.