What Is The Right Response To A Compliment?

[Eleanor]

This is a kind of weird question, but I really don't know the answer.

This week I have gotten three really really nice heartfelt sincere compliments. I am willing to admit that I probably deserved them. The problem is that I feel all squirrelly and my "inner critic" JUMPS UP as soon as something like this is said and starts going on and on about ... well, I'm trying not to listen. So it is taking ALOT of effort to tolerate the praise, say "Thank you, that means a lot to me." and then shut up and not go on about how I don't really deserve... etc. etc. I even kind of checked out yesterday when someone was saying nice things about what I wrote, so I missed the second part. I am pretty sure that the right response to praise is not "toleration." But what is it?

How do healthy people feel in response to praise? What am I supposed to DO with it?

 

[Reds]

I wish I had an answer to that but I have the same challenge as well :( Sorry I can't really help

 

[nursenurse]

Exactly how you responded. A simple "Thank you, how nice of you!" And leave it at that.

I hate being the centre of attention too. However, to go on and on about how you don't deserve it conveys a sense of false humility, even if untrue. Consider the compliment a gift for the soul. If you were given a present, whether you liked it or not, you would say thank you. A compliment deserves no less, and makes the giver, as does a material present, feel good about themselves.

 

[jd9900]

Yeah I agree with nursenurse - a simple "Thanks that's really kind of you!" sort of thing is what I try to do. I am also horrible at taking a compliment. I feel like if the person knew my back story they'd give me a restraining order instead of a compliment, so I try to be concise and smile. :)

 

[zaniara]

"Thank you" might suffice. :) Or something similar. And then deal with your self-image and the feelings in the most constructive ways you can find. That is what someone once told me to do, so I try to do it. And sometimes it's hard. But it's really beating those old ghosts down a bit more for every day I think. Lessening their power over me. I don't think there is any easy/quick way to change those inner beliefs.

Someone once told me that when someone give you a compliment it's a gift. And to argue about that gift is really rude. But then there are some people who sort of give you compliments only to try to manipulate you, and that is partly what's messing it up even more for me.

(When I read the title of your thread I read "What is the right response to a compliant?" :wacky: :laugh: I thought that was a great topic, even though it confused me a bit.. :D )

 

[Eleanor]

I've got the manners rule, and I am (I AM!) biting my tongue and stopping after the "Thank you."

makes the giver, as does a material present, feel good about themselves.

But it doesn't, really, make me feel good about myself is the thing. Could you explain some more this "feeling good about themselves" idea? (I am serious about this, although it sounds terminally stupid.) What kind of good do you have in mind?

I am also horrible at taking a compliment.

Rats. I hoped I was the only one.:( But I was pretty sure I was not alone in this.

And then deal with your self-image and the feelings in the most constructive ways you can find.

And those would be...?

I am also going to ask my T about this on Tuesday. But I really wanted an answer NOW. :arghh; It seems like it should be such an obvious thing to know... and yet...:tdown: :banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

[digger]

I'm lost on this one too. My counsellor tells me I should maybe just practice saying thank you for now when someone compliments me. ;)

 

[franciemarnie]

I used to feel squirrel-y too for years and years and hated it and sometimes felt a lot of inner violence. Back then I would somehow say it wasn't true to the compliment giver, but then they would insist so the compliment insistence would go on. Then I switched to Thank you, and changed the subject.

Now I love compliments, so it changes as you change.

 

[DMerish]

I actually like getting compliments too! Provided they are sincere. I used to feel bad when someone gave me a compliment. It's still hard for me to accept gifts. I felt I wasn't worthy of either. Receiving a compliment was like something dirty and selfish and :confused: anti-martyrish (sorry, I make up words), like being against Jesus or God or Krishna or the Buddha or Apple Pie and little puppy dogs.

From what I can tell, it seems "healthy people" take compliments in stride then move on to the next thing without a hitch.
#1 person: "Wow! You put a lot of effort into that report. I thought it was very informative and I liked it a lot."
#2 person: "Oh, thank you."
#3 person: "Hey, guys, ready for lunch?"
#2 person: "Yea, what does everyone think about going to . . . "

A compliment deserves no less, and makes the giver, as does a material present, feel good about themselves.

This is true. I'm a fairly generous person - I feel better about myself being a giver than I do a taker. Giving a compliment or a gift feels about equal to me. It feels good for me to "get out of myself" and think about somebody else. I don't manipulate; I do not expect anything back. I don't give because I need to, or should, but simply because I can. I don't expect "thank yous" but they're nice. I've sort of gone from one side of the fence to the other, but I'm getting some balance now.

Someone once told me that when someone give you a compliment it's a gift. And to argue about that gift is really rude.

Someone told me that also*. A couple of times I've offered a gift to someone and it's been polietly refused; I've no problem with that and I've done it too - with people whom I'm close to and know me. Gifts are things. Compliments are communicated somehow (phone, face-to-face, email, etc.). Disputing/Non acceptance of a compliment is different from not accepting a gift IMO - disputing a compliment tells the other person that you think their opinion isn't important, isn't valid that you don't care. That could be true, but IMO in most folks shy away from honesty and reality - to conveying the message of not caring is too in one's face.

* this same person also told me the best way to handle a compliment is to hand it back to the giver by giving them your full recognition, acknowledging what they complimented . . .
#1 person - "That outfit looks great on you! The color really compliments your eyes."
#2 person - "Well, thank you for noticiing, Elnore."

 

[scout86]

A good friend of mine told me,
"The appropriate way to handle a compliment is to say 'Thank You', then shut up." :sour:

I kept arguing with him about whether or not I "deserved" the compliment and he was getting tired of it. Now, I use his response all the time. I smile when I say it. People think I'm smiling because of the compliment, I suppose. I'm smiling because I'm remembering my unofficial adopted brother and his lesson in manners. LOL

 

[bell]

@Eleanor, I read this earlier and was actually thinking about it on the way home... where I came to realization. I have a hard time accepting compliments because it means realizing that a) this person telling me this compliment now really is right (because they have nothing to gain from telling me said compliment, so are most likely being honest) and b) there really was a problem when I was growing up, which fights with my negative critic/self image... meaning that I have to either deflect the comment (which is easier) or internalize/believe it, which hurts. Therefore, something simple like accepting a compliment hurts. I could never understand that until today, after thinking about this post, so, thank you, even though I'm not sure this makes sense! :)

Back to the actual post, I agree with everyone else... just say "thank you." Then, later, in a safe space, and if you can, I would also add to try and unpack what part is the most confusing and see where that takes you. Because it could take you to a place where you can untangle some junk/fight that critic and be the better for it.

 

[Changing4Best]

"Why thank you! That was a really nice thing to say". or "I really appreciate you telling me that, it means a lot to me". or just a simple heart felt thank you will sometimes suffice.