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What is this feeling? Does anyone keep telling their therapist things despite how scary these things are?

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Skywatcher

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I’ve been seeing my T for over 2 years now for complex PTSD. Before the holiday she told me that she sees me fleeing less and less. So we are in this new place. I still leave and freak out a bit, yet I keep coming back and saying more and more. Why do I keep telling her so much? When I think about my appointment, I get this brief good butterflies feeling in my stomach. It’s so weird that I’ll conjure it up by rethinking that part just to try to understand why it is happening. Has anyone else felt this? Does anyone keep telling their therapist things despite how scary these things are?
 
Does anyone keep telling their therapist things despite how scary these things are?
Yep and sometimes I don't feel like I can stop myself even though there is a part of me screaming not to say these things. I can only imagine that I must feel somewhere in my mind or body that this must be a good thing. Also, I must feel like it is safe or I wouldn't do it. I beat myself up sometimes for telling my secrets bc it feels like I am breaking the rules whatever those are... but, I feel better when I share. Scary but true.
 
I have had similar feelings with my t.
For me I recognized this as moving toward her and generally in humanity with love, feelings of safety and healing..like I am heard and I trusted her. I did not resist. I was curious and it was my body changing releasing trauma grip.
Because I noticed, I recorded the improvement in my general outlook.
 
I've been with my therapist for 5 years +. At this point I've crossed every boundary that I had set internally. Pretty much had seen me mentally and emotionally "naked" without it all.

Now begins the work towards making sense of all of it. Going over the "anatomy" of family history to get to point of knowing why all of this happened to me. I still have a lot of work to do but I feel it has helped.

I told my last thing I held back recently and honestly feel better about that one thing that made me feel horrible about myself. They are there for the "toxic disgusting sludge that I don't want to get on anyone" as I call it.
 
I get this brief good butterflies feeling in my stomach. It’s so weird
Yes I did a lot with the therapist I used to have. I would keep going back and telling, too. However, in my case my therapist didn't want to hear it and would interrupt me, would stare at me and be cold, would forget what I said, would tell me immediately after i'd share that he preferred to work with other clients than me, that I was taking up a spot on his schedule that someone on his wait list could have, said "so what they raped you" -- I could go on and on with what I now know was intentional sadistic behavior on his part. Still, I went back, butterflies and all, but increasingly with fear.

The past month I have been grieving that therapy relationship and that I kept going back. The reason I kept going back was because all I wanted to do was to "tell my story to someone who would listen." I sure as hell did not want to tell my friends, and I will not.

It sounds like your therapist is a willing participant and listener. For me it was a deep need physically to get it out of me, and emotionally a deep desire. When I finally terminated with that therapist it just happened, by body just took over, it just came out of my mouth as I cried and cried. This is my last appointment. To which my therapist told me he had "hostile feelings" for me. First time I ever heard him tell me this is the day I told him it was my last appointment. It was confirmation he was a sadist and we had played out my relationship with my mother over and over and over .

It took me about a year to let my nervous system calm down from the three years of torture. The new therapist I did look forward to our sessions, as I wasn't interupted, I was listened to, and it felt like junk just got dumped in his office and left there. It was very freeing. And learned about myself and could grieve in a healthy and very needed way.

Sorry to make this post about me... but what you described is also what I experienced--only my relationship with my therapist was not a healing one.
 
Yes I did a lot with the therapist I used to have. I would keep going back and telling, too. However, in my case my therapist didn't want to hear it and would interrupt me, would stare at me and be cold, would forget what I said, would tell me immediately after i'd share that he preferred to work with other clients than me, that I was taking up a spot on his schedule that someone on his wait list could have, said "so what they raped you" -- I could go on and on with what I now know was intentional sadistic behavior on his part. Still, I went back, butterflies and all, but increasingly with fear.

The past month I have been grieving that therapy relationship and that I kept going back. The reason I kept going back was because all I wanted to do was to "tell my story to someone who would listen." I sure as hell did not want to tell my friends, and I will not.

It sounds like your therapist is a willing participant and listener. For me it was a deep need physically to get it out of me, and emotionally a deep desire. When I finally terminated with that therapist it just happened, by body just took over, it just came out of my mouth as I cried and cried. This is my last appointment. To which my therapist told me he had "hostile feelings" for me. First time I ever heard him tell me this is the day I told him it was my last appointment. It was confirmation he was a sadist and we had played out my relationship with my mother over and over and over .

It took me about a year to let my nervous system calm down from the three years of torture. The new therapist I did look forward to our sessions, as I wasn't interupted, I was listened to, and it felt like junk just got dumped in his office and left there. It was very freeing. And learned about myself and could grieve in a healthy and very needed way.

Sorry to make this post about me... but what you described is also what I experienced--only my relationship with my therapist was not a healing one.

I am really sorry you had these experience @Hitmehere... One of the most dangerous thing a therapist can do is not be aware of their own feelings and hostility especially when dealing with people who experienced trauma and hostility and threat all their lives. Operating from that hostility is re-traumatations - no difference to the brain. Your therapy experience sounds like a nightmare - very insidious and torturous. I am thinking of you.
 
No.

As in there is soo much I'm not telling her and won't. Wouldn't even if I could.

Set on not talking something, ever? I take it to the grave. All else are soft limits... and still lines I wouldn't cross with me.
 
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