What Is This?

[Deleted member 10686]

I really want to understand what is going on with me, but it is really difficult to describe the exact feelings and sensations. It is something that almost always happens whenever I leave the house. If I am really stressed it will happen at home as well, but for the most part it is whenever I am out in public, from the moment I get in the car. I am wondering if it is depersonalization, or derealization, and if anyone can relate to any of this.

When I am out in the world, I feel like I am in a dream. I can function enough, but I always assume people can tell I am "out of it" because I feel like I am on a drug trip or something when I'm not. I know that I am in reality, but it feels completely dream like. Everything looks strange, "foggy" can possibly describe it but not quite. One way I can attempt to describe it is like the whole world is a "blue screen" and I am walking in place, completely not a part of the world. Like the world is real and moving and I am....I don't know. Someone else described it as feeling like they were scuba diving. This is a pretty good way to describe what I'm feeling as well. I partially feel unreal, and partially feel like I am not really a part of where I am at. I sometimes wonder if I am really where I am at at all, or if I am somewhere else. When I am driving I feel like I'm going to get pulled over and assumed to be on drugs, because I feel so strange. I wonder if I am even really driving, or if I am on a different street or in a completely different place. But i am in reality enough to not crash the car, so i guess thats a good thing. I also feel like I am a "passenger" in my own life, like i am in the "back seat" or I am right behind myself.Sometimes I feel like I am right behind myself, pulling strings on my body like im a puppet.

 

[IvyMillie]

That sounds scary for sure. You said it happens when you leave the house. So do you feel more normal in yourself when you are at home? Does stress intensify it?

I don't know really, but I will attempt to describe what I felt like at my worst with agoraphobia--also related to being outside of the house, and especially around strangers.

It is hard to describe, but I remember feeling really out of it when I was say at the supermarket. I would imagine that people saw me weird and they were talking about me in a negative way. It was like not being myself at all. I thought everyone was staring at me and treating me strangely. It was like being in some kind of movie also where I was there but I could see more intensely people being negative towards me.

As I've said on another post, that gladly for me, I got help pretty quick. A friend loaned me a book about agoraphobia and I began to put the exercises into place immediately. In time I got back to myself. I still suffer from panic attacks, but that weird experience has never returned.

I'm sorry as I don't know if it is exactly how you feel or not, and it is hard to express. Mine happened over 20 years ago, and I probably blocked some of it out by now as it was such a terribly frightening experience.

The only reason I bring my experience up is that it only happened to me as well when I left the house. Agoraphobia is basically about leaving your own safe home environment. I hope you can get help. If it is similar to what I went through, I'm sure there is help for you. However, it might be something completely different.

I hope you can get some help, maybe others have experienced something similar also.

 

[TLight]

I feel like this all the time going outside too. Sometimes I wake up like this. I think it is depersonalizaton....or whatever. It is what it is. I know I don't trust myself to drive anymore. Across town is about the best I can do and when it's rush hour, I'm really a third person zombie. Then I show up at my destination, where there is people to interact with, and I feel like I'm in the third person experiencing all this.
Yes, sorta like scuba diving. Makes you feel really lonely.

 

[Deleted member 10686]

I appreciate your response. You have a good point, it probably partially is agoraphobia. It always happens when I leave the house. It occasionally happens at home as well, maybe I just don't notice it as strongly because it is less scary when it happens in my normal home environment. When I leave the house to run errands, go to appointments, etc I feel like running home as fast as I can and yelling "Base!" I do think it is worse in stressful situations, and I am more stressed when I leave the house because my abuser is in the same town. I feel like when I am at home i am in my fortress, and If I am out and he approaches me there is no escaping.

At the same time, the more I think about it I don't think its solely agoraphobia, it happens at home too more than i'd like to admit. When I am out, it is more intense and scary because of all the extra people and things in my environment. It happens a lot at home too, but i seem to just be on "auto pilot" at home and I forget things I've done. My memory is absolutely terrible recently.

 

[Deleted member 10686]

((((((tlight))))))) im glad i'm not alone. i wake up a lot like this too, its just when i leave the house is when it gets super scary. I don't really trust myself driving anymore either. Its like I have to use every bit of energy in me to just hold the wheel and stay in my lane. Still, I have to drive. my t is across town, and i have to be able to get diapers and what not. I always make my trips very short, and play out in my head the exact route I am going to take and visualize each turn, try to prepare myself for the drive. When I get to my destination I always let out a HUGE sigh of relief. I get what you mean about interacting with people in third person. it really makes therapy tricky when i feel like this.

 

[IvyMillie]

Well that's pretty terrible that your abuser lives in the same town. That would make your life pretty difficult. No wonder you are having such a hard time. I can't imagine how horrid that would be.

Maybe it's what TLight said depersonalization--I'm not really familiar with that. I wonder if others have been able to overcome it. What does your T say? Do you also have panic attacks? Has it gotten worse over time?

I sure hope you can figure out what it is. I hope that others can help you to figure it out. It's really good that you are trying to find out as much as you can about it. That is always the best. Maybe someone will have something to comment about that will help you understand it better.

It's a terrible thing to not feel in control of your own thoughts. For me, I finally understood what it would be like to have mental illness, because I had no control over my thinking. My thinking was irrational and out there. I was able to get help quickly and so I hope you will too.

Take care of yourself.

 

[kimba]

I can't keep depersonalization/drealization straight but your reaction is part of the dissociative responses. I get something similar although I feel spacey and like part of me is flaoting behind me somewhere. I feel like it is still attached but i am constantly aware that it is not "with me".

Everything else seems like it isn't quite in the same plane I am in. Not a big difference, but noticeable enough. I act "giddier" or "high" in this state too although others would just think i was in a silly or really good mood. I don't like driving in this state because I have panic attacks when driving easily because I second guess myself.

 

[Artfulone]

Dear Forwardmotion,

It sounds as though you may be encountering some anticipatory anxiety, social phobia and some agorophobia symptoms, occurring with DPAFU (depersonalisation and feelings of unreality) AKA symptoms of dissociative depersonalisation and dissociative de-realisation. It is worth observing whether you are getting panic attacks and if so, creating awareness of at which point the attacks occur or peak, also becoming mindful about what might have been the triggers? It can really help to gradually become aware of the different symptom clusters and in which situations they tend to occur in. Although at first in the earlier stages, this process of working on self-awareness is something that can be traumatising and often over-whelming in itself. With fractionation, baby steps and gradual stabilisation through the therapeutic process, also through processes of self-awareness, psycho-education, symptom awareness, self management and acceptance of healing. One can grow through the symptom clusters, bud and gradually come into blossom as one passes through the stages of victim, survivor and thriver.

It may be worth googling the above italicised terms, to get some different perspectives on the symptom clusters that you are discussing. The DPU (depersonalisation unit) with the IOP (Institute of Psychiatry) in London also have many articles and a book on the subject. There are at least five books that have been written in the last decade on depersonalisation and derealisation, it may be worth checking google books and Amazon for lists of titles and suppliers. Personally I found it very stabilising, to read about DPAFU and also about emotional flashbacks, as I suffer from complex traumatisation. This awareness and acceptance of the flavours, texture, blending and nature of my own symptom clusters, has helped me grow and encounter far less clinical symptom clusters.

Whilst at first this process of awareness may be triggering, it can be very comforting and very grounding to gain awareness of one's own symptom clusters. Best wishes on your journey. I hope this helps and that your traumatic attachment tree comes into bud and blooms harmoniously with the seasons of your soul. Insight is one of the essential nutrients of healing the damage that PTSD causes.

 

[kayak]

What you describe is dissociation at its finest. You'll find that a lot of us on here experience it, are familiar with, and are in various stages of struggling through it or overcoming it.