What is this?

[Kaylove498]

I've been pushing my self alot lately.

Two weeks ago I was basically bed bound I didn't do anything but sit in my room and obsess over my anxiety and dpdr symptoms.

I work out everyday now I go out as often as possible.I go to friends and stay for a few hours verses before when I would leave within a minute or just make an excuse not to go.

I started to just not care and started doing things and getting back to my normal life.I don't symptom check as often I don't question things such as my thoughts or how I feel as often.

My issue is though I feel in a very strange spot both mentally and physically.I feel here but still not here as before I just felt completely gone.

I know that I know every one around me but I have started to think things like how amazing it is that I just know these people.I usually have odd that's in general so I figured that's just the dpdr.

Lately I've felt almost in two places at once or present yet detached at once.

I've pushed really hard to get out of the dpdr and it seems to be putting me in a weird place mentally.Im actually getting concerned that maybe something more is wrong like I brain tumour or something more serious.

I dont seem to care anymore.But I'm not obsessing on symptoms until the whole almost in limbo feeling.

It's a very hard feeling to describe my body feels like mine again but there is still something off.

Another new thing that's happened is one minute I'll look in the mirror or a picture and I'll see how thin I've gotten from my weight loss.Ive lost about 100 pounds but other times I'll look in the mirror and still see me as the girl that weighed almost 300 pounds.I was on video chat with a friend and with in second I glanced at the camera and could see my weight loss a few minutes later I look again and I see a girl that weighs in the upper 270s.

I have a fear of going crazy could this be me going crazy?

Does me feeling in limbo in a sense be a sign of something more serious?

What about the whole one minute I see the weight loss the next I dont?

Am I losing it?

 

[Ronin]

No... to all above.

Not crazy / else.

Trying to get back in life. It's a *good* thing. Not a bad one.

And seeing you in mirrors right? Good too. Will take a while to stick, and you to see yourself realistically more often than not.

 

[Kaylove498]

Yes I've been seeing me again which I was happy about until I started seeing the heavier me which I'm not my friends and family were actually concerned that I said I see the heavier me.

They said it's odd that I see the girl that I was six months ago verses what I look like now.It scared me at first a friend actually took a pic of me too show me how little I am now in most pictures I see how small I am but sometimes in the mirror I see the girl that's a hundred pounds heavier.

I'm trying really hard to just get back to life. I know I won't magically wake up and be good again. I guess I just hoped if I pushed myself more that I would be.

 

[Ronin]

You *are* good already, Kay. Don't need to try to 'become' good because there's nothing wrong with you.

What's alarming isn't that your body image is heavier you... but that you lost This Much Weight so fast, are thiis frightened and panicked about weight issues and looks, and that your friends seem to not see there is something very life hazard going on for you.

Are there any ED therapists you could see? Do you see a doctor about the food issues aside of a psychiatrist / can the psychiatrist refer you to someone?

 

[Kaylove498]

I've been to a few doctors over the years and they never seen concerned. I've always kinda obsessed over my weight.

I weighed my biggest about 6 months ago and with serious dieting and stress I lost about 100 pounds.

I'm still not were I want to be but u have days where I feel good and then I have days where I look in the mirror and feel so huge even though I'm not anymore.

While dealing with the dpdr my appetite had left and it almost felt odd to eat. So I just wouldn't.

 

[Ronin]

Kay you need to keep looking for a doctor that *will* take you seriously, as this is serious & deserves to be taken such, and they need to take you seriously.

So proud of you for keeping trying with them and getting you help through the years, that's some serious patience & skills you got going there. :D

Precisely... it's a lot, and a lot lost to stress, that just isn't natural or healthy. Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to suffer being in a body whose look makes you want to crawl out of your skin, but you are So Much More than your looks.

And now you're suffering in another myriad of ways, people around you don't seem to care enough for that or don't know better, so time to find someone who gets it & can help.

Food IS needed, even when it feels awful. Because that's a feeling, that's not something real.

And hey, I get things get hard / not saying it from a better than thou space and sorry if it came out that way. Just concerned for you because some roads are bad roads and you don't have to take them.

Super glad to be reading you by the way, hearing what's up.

 

[Kaylove498]

Yes I'm trying I've always had an obsession with my weight sadly.

The dpdr did make things worse because k truly wasnt getting hungry I have gained some appetite back but I've always seem to have to obsess on something.

Dealing with the dpdr I was obsessed with it with the feelings the thoughts everything around me and I am fairly certain I'm obsessed with my weight again which is why Ive been coming out of the dpdr.

I actually spoke with my parents today and they are concerned that I've once again switched my obsessional thoughts back into my weight.

 

[Ronin]

So you and your folks get on well? Awesome. :D

I would mind their opinion, if they are caring fellas and are trying to help. Like in, maybe they see right how much is going on, that should be helped.