Here's my favorite and I think possibly my earliest conscious memory.or a happy memory. a lot of us here have lives filled with shit and garbage. maybe i am the secret optimist because i find myself wondering if there is a cache anywhere inside of anybody else of truly good things, too? does that exist, or is it only bullshit? did you see an ant today? do you like jalapeno poppers? or the weird noises goldfish make?
sometimes when things get to be too intense i have noted my mind's tendency to self-correct and self-soothe by defaulting to memories that i have which are positive. no matter how small that might be. sources of contentment. or pride. or accomplishment. one thing that i learned to do was if i was thinking to myself e.g. i am a piece of shit. i am worthless. i will never be worth loving. instead replace it by something that is nicer to think about.
the "positive self-talk" never really stuck. no, i'm actually amazing. please clap. because it felt like something a child would do. condescending. but i might instead remember my wedding day. or go help my daughter with her homework. or climb a tree. or something. it weirdly helps. on some level the negative thoughts are still there because i did not really address their source.
but it does make a difference to tell yourself no. that you are not going to engage with it, either.
I don't know who the happy easy going young woman with the long straight dark hair was (70s so likely ironed hair;), but I was sitting on her lap on the fire escape and we were looking at the parkng lot below where a fire burned in the big metal trash bin. I remember that my young mind thought the fire looked like the cotton candy I had seen being wound at a carnival somewhere. We moved when I was 3.5 so I was very young. I had this blissful feeling of love because I knew the girl wanted me on her lap, was happy I was there and therefore I felt nurtured and close to her.
Lovely idea, thanks