What just happened?!

[Holdingontohope]

I had a t appointment this morning and something happened at my appointment that I don't really know what it was. I was upset/emotional/on edge when I went into my appointment this morning to begin with because of a miscommunication with my T that triggered lots of negative thoughts. We have been working with my past abuse and things surrounding that recently so I've been pretty emotional, overly reactive, etc anyways recently. The miscommunication with T had me struggling with feeling that he didn't care, was going to abandon me, that I shouldn't have talked to him about the abuse, etc. T was trying to help me process through all this and help me see how it is all connected to my trauma and my old beliefs that I couldn't talk about the abuse because people would stop caring, leave me, etc if I talked about it.

While T was talking to me, I started feeling really weird. It was like I was being pulled away to somewhere else. It was like I was being pulled down into a pool filled with memories and darkness. I would go from being pulled into one memory, then being pulled into this blank darkness, then into another memory, then back into the darkness, and so on. I felt trapped inside deep inside of myself, my mind. Sometimes I could hear T talking to me or feel the chair I was sitting in and things like that and it was like I was able to grasp ahold of those things for a few seconds and come back up, but then something kept dragging me back down into the memories/darkness. It was like I wasn't in control of myself or my mind. I felt detached and like I wasn't there in the room, but I wasn't anywhere else either. Finally I was able to come back up long enough to tell T I needed to leave. He asked if I'd be safe to go home and I think I said yes and left. I started sinking back down and came back up in my vehicle a little later. I managed to make it home safely. I was so exhausted though that I sat down on the couch and pretty much passed out and slept for an hour. I woke up feeling a little better and not so out of it.

I'm confused about what happened though. I've had flashbacks before where a trigger would send me into a memory where it felt like I was back there again and the memory was happening. What happened this morning was a lot different though so I'm not sure that it was a flashback. It felt somewhat like I would feel as a kid when I would "float off" to other places during the abuse. Is that dissociating? Has anyone experienced something like this? Is it a flashback, but just different from the ones I've had before? Is it dissociating? Could it have been a mix of both?

 

[Lee2001]

Sounds like dissociation but I'm just guessing? I have done this only once in Therapy and the entire room went white and I couldn't hear the therapist anymore, then I came too. Therapist said I was completely still and staring off into space. He asked if I was ok and I could barely stay present in the moment. I would talk to Therapist next time and talk about grounding techniques and such. For this to happen to me I have to feel beyond overwhelmed and not coping. Hope you get some answers:)

 

[Cannottakethis]

I agree that it sounds like dissociation but I'd encourage you to go back to your T and tell him what happened. I've started to dissociate in therapy as well and was able to bring myself back pretty quickly with mt Ts help when I told him what was happening.

 

[Holdingontohope]

I think a part of me is scared to go back and talk to my T. I have never before felt scared of my T, but when I think about going back today there is this little girls voice in my head begging me not to go back. It's like this part of me is scared of him for some reason. I'm not sure why. Maybe because that part of me felt like he pushed me too far yesterday and that's why I dissociated (or whatever it was) yesterday. I have an appointment with T in a few hours and I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I should just cancel it.