What Made You Angry Today?

[Ironlady]

(hugs) @Ironlady.

Relating. & He has no right to boss you around like this. If he want...

Hugs back. @Ronin :hug: Thank you..

That's wanted I wanted to tell him.. just trying to further understand why can't I stick up for myself?... my lack of perceived ability to do that feels like parts of me are slowly dying. I feel little pieces of me die every time that happens. And I just freeze.. say nothing and go into obedient yet resentful servant mode.. only I am resenting parts of myself just as much as him.

 

[Ronin]

You were abused & are abused, @Ironlady.

I'd say it's pretty normal to not be able to do things like sticking up for yourself? That's not your fault that happens. You're only doing what you hope will keep you safe in the face of a demanding douche. That's action, & an act of courage, right there.

 

[Ironlady]

You were abused & are abused, @Ironlady.

I'd say it's pretty normal to not be able to...

One day.. I hope courage will be something different. The day I can walk away and never look back. Thank you Ronin. Xx

 

[Anrish]

Other's people arrogance and that they dare to tell me that I'm moody when I just tell them that they won't always get their way.

 

[aut555]

One day.. I hope courage will be something different. The day I can walk away and never look back. Tha...

It took me five years to have courage and walk away. My ex stripped everything away he could from me. So it is with happiness that l left him. But l argued with him for a year in my head after l left (sad). Suddenly l realized l didn't have to hold onto any of the negative thought patterns he hoped and conditioned me to think that would become my reality. I was groomed, but in true screw you style, l grabbed my power back. Why should l live in pain for some idiot on the planet who didn't know me until late in my life? So l gently ask you, why do you feel you are subjected to walk this path, can you see me reaching out to you? It's hard to walk away, the logistics are tough, but you deserve happiness in your lifetime. Trust me.

 

[Ironlady]

It took me five years to have courage and walk away. My ex stripped everything away he could from me. So...

Thank you for so gently sharing that..

I don't want this path.. I don't deserve it.. I think what is making it so difficult right now is I need safety in the form of roof over my head. I have such a small support system because of the isolation of the cult I was in from childhood and that I didn't escape until two years ago that I don't believe I can leave and be without some kind of support. It's a really bad codependency issue. And I have four kids. I have no job. No money. He has financially ruined me. I can't get credit.. I am trying to bit by bit work on getting out but I don't feel like I would be safe to just walk out when I have nobody to help me. And no financial independence at the moment.

I don't want to make excuses. But I have to be smart. I'm making plans and trying to make goals to reach. I'm not looking for perfect but for good enough. But in the meantime I am completely feeling trapped even though I know it's partly just a cognitive distortion. :(

Thank you so much. I'm trying. I don't want to feel like this forever. It will kill me eventually. If not literally, figuratively it will and is. Xx

 

[Ronin]

Again researching jobs in a certain backwater country.

& f*ck, if I were less informed about what is who a front for I might not have had as many ethical crises I'm f*cking having.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

My mom yelling at me.

 

[Call-Me-Dream]

My narcopath ex started telling her friends(and a mutual who knows how batshit she is) that I'm crazy.

I'm afraid she's cold, don't you know glass houses shatter when you throw stones.

 

[Anrish]

@BelovedDreamwalker : Sorry to hear that. I hope she will learn to keep her mouth shut soon.

My stupid chief and his crazy egocentric ideas.

 

[corvidae]

the folks who are supposed to be trained professionals at supporting me making it more and more difficult for me to even function; they seem to value to paperwork and efficiency over any sort of human connection or healing.

 

[8888]

That I can't go to Christmas Eve with the family because I'll too triggered by my cousin's wife's father who has the same name as my abuser.