Relationship What Next?

[ds112496]

I am sick over everything happening in my life right now. Yesterday I got a copy of the temporary orders I am supposed to sign. Of course I have problems with it so here's another reason for him to say we are going thru a "nasty" divorce. It is unbelievable some of the items included. I don't know if someone is advising him or if he is coming up with this all on his own.

He also talked to our daughter again. It seems like every time he talks to her he asks something about me. This time he asked "if I found a boyfriend yet (lol)". When she told him no he said "I thought she would be looking for one by now (lol)". Even if I had a boyfriend or was looking it really is none of his business. He walked out on me! He also wanted to know if I had talked to her about him divorcing me. She said no because when we talk about it we end up fighting. She told him that we have been arguing about her going out and seeing friends. What she failed to tell him is that she wanted a boy to come to the house or that she wanted to stay after school to be with a boy. All this says to him is that I am not allowing her to do anything. He reminded her he would be back in a few months and this would be over soon.

The person he has become is selfish, vindictive, and trying to crush me emotionally. He is intent on blaming me for everything and using me as a way to release his anger. It is obvious that he is guilty of something and is trying to make himself feel better. He must really hate himself and feel that he is worthless. It is heartbreaking.

I allowed myself a little time to cry last night. However, now it is time to fight back. I refuse to hold on to anger and bitterness. Those emotions are counterproductive and will hold me back. As sad as I am about what he is doing I really want to remember him the way he used to be. I know now that the person I knew is not coming back. I miss him....:(

 

[arfie]

Small steps, ds. Leave yourself room to work through the full spectrum of emotions attached to such a big change.

Steady as it goes.

 

[macca]

Hey ds, sounds like things are pretty tough right now. Are you in therapy at the moment? I think if it were me I would want to talk that stuff over with someone, you deserve support at this time. Something that keeps me going is to say to myself "everything passes", to remind myself that nothing can last forever, things fluctuate, good and bad. Hang in there.

 

[nursenurse]

Remember this is business now. No more Ms. Nice Guy, but neither do you need to be vindictive. I hope you have an attorney. Whatever happens between your daughter and the ex husband is between them, but gently remind her that it is not her job to be the go between and reporter between the two of you. I had to do that with my daughter, and she appreciated being given permission as it were to say that she was staying out of it . I can't remember how old your daughter is. And then my daughter stuck to her guns without feeling guilty. Bless your heart. Go after what is fair and right for yourself and for her. Nothing more, nothing less. But never be afraid to take your gloves off and be strong when he pushes. Which he will until he runs out of steam. It will be hard. But you can do it :)

 

[ds112496]

Macca, my daughter and I are both in therapy. I feel that it has been helping me. I think it will make more of an impact on her after he returns from this deployment. I fear that her expectations of him are going to be shattered and she will not know how to handle her emotions. I agree that "everything passes". As long as I stay focused on my future I am ok. If I stop to think about him or if he will get help for his ptsd I start to unravel. Part of me is still trying to understand how ptsd has changed him so much. I mean his personality, his friends, the way he does things...it baffles me. I am constantly reminding myself that he has to be responsible for his behavior and actions from here. I have no control or say in his life and vice versa. Seems to be harder for him to stop wondering about me though, something else that continues to confuse me. If my life and what I am doing are so important to him why did he walk out?

Nursenurse, my daughter is 16 and yes I have a lawyer. I have reminded her that he should not be putting her in the middle like he is. I think she is so worried that she is going to make him mad that she will do and say whatever he wants. This is something she will have to work out in therapy. I just wish she was strong enough to say to him what she says to me....it's between him and I. I stopped asking her about him weeks ago. He only gets discussed if she brings him up. I find that it is easier for me right now to not wonder how he is or what he is doing. Again, I just keep telling myself that he walked out. He gave up on his family. This fuels the anger I need to keep moving forward.

My heart is heavy and I don't want to think that he is missing me or will change his mind. This is unrealistic and counterproductive. Would I like him to come back? I really don't know. What I do know is that I want to know what prompted this. And the mean spirited part of me keeps saying "karma, hurry up" so he can feel the pain that he has caused.

 

[AlabamaChick]

ds, I so feel your pain. I am also sick of what is happening in my life also...I really wish I had some advice to give you but I don't...because I am going thru the exact same thing. Talk about stress :/ Trying to find a job on top of it all . We have 2 young adults (20&18) He has pushed them away already and they want nothing to do with him....and he doesn't understand why. The only thing different is mine emails and did call me and some of the stuff he emails or says to me makes no sense at all...and he is so mean and tells me he can't wait to get me out of his life, I am pathetic plus some very awful things I just rather forget. So maybe it is a good thing you are not hearing from him....even though I know it is the PTSD talking it still hurts. He keeps saying we can make this divorce "nasty" I never said anything about wanting to make it nasty :/ My husband is so hateful and mean now ....he has never ever treated me this way ever. We were so looking forward to his retirement and the future together before he left....now this....Everyday I try to stay strong but sometimes that being strong just is not there....Big hugs!!!!

 

[nursenurse]

Sometimes I wonder if it is the PTSD that allows the negative traits that were always there to surface.

DS, it sounds like you have everything in order. Your daughter is at such a vulnerable age. I hope there are other trusted male family members who can be positive male influence for her. You may lose her for a bit, but your kindness and steadiness will win out. Unfortunately she will likely have to mature a bit more before this happens.

Keep walking the high road as you have done. I did this and it is the only reason I can sleep with myself at night :D