What Next?

[Attheseams]

Hi all,
I am new here and not really sure if I am posting in the correct area, if I aren't I apologise.

I am 49 years old, live in the UK and I have a wife and young children. Up until recently my family and myself thought I was almost bullet proof, in fact my family still think I am.

I was always the one others would turn too if they had a problem, as I will listen calmly and try to help.

One year ago while out with my wife I was attacked by 5 people and glassed, punched , stamped and kicked while inside a pub and then again as I was leaving.
My memories of this are not my own but of others who have described the events.

Since then I have been struggling along with family life and I have only recently been diagnosed with PTSD which was and still is all a bit I a mystery to me.

I have spoken to a Therapist and subsequently been referred for CBT which I am still awaiting, so will continue to see the very nice lady who has referred me,

My next appointment will be in 2 weeks time, I wish it were sooner as since we spoke I feel I am struggling more than before. Maybe due to the fact I am more acutely aware and focussing on my feelings and thoughts or is it due to now accepting that I do need help I don't really know.

My wife doesn't want to accept I have some issues so prefers to overlook things, so this forum is perhaps the only place I have where I can say how I feel and have others understand me,

I had to go shopping today for groceries, I had to psyche myself up just to get in the car to go there.

I was almost running down the aisles panicking when I couldn't find what I needed muttering to myself almost panting as my breathing was so shallow.

I still feel sick and my head is throbbing just thinking about it, I am sure other shoppers could see me as I went from anxious to panic in a second,

I am totally confused, angry and scared that I can't think straight or concentrate. I have no patience and feel that I am ready to explode or fall apart all the time, as I am having to use all my strength and will power to try and keep it all bottled away from my children.

As I don't want them to feel any differently about me, as one thing I am still is a good dad.

Is this usual to feel so out of control when you first start speaking about this?

I don't really know what to expect next and don't want to build up my hope to high before my therapy starts properly.

I feel stupid and weak and scared with all of this,

Will any medication help and if so how quick will it help?

How quick could I expect to feel some benefit from CBT or any other therapy?

I am completely open to any suggestions as I want me back , not just for my family but for myself.

Should I expect to feel worse before I feel any better ?

I am sorry for rambling on but I don't have anyone I feel that I could talk to as I am a fairly shy and private person .

And once again I am really sorry if I have put this in the wrong place.

Thank you for reading

 

[maryiscontrary]

This is horrendous. I am so sorry it happened. I dated an east Londoner, so I understand how violent some of these pubs can get.

 

[Attheseams]

Thank you,

What makes it worse is that it is a small local pub . I aren't a drinker maybe 3 drinks is enough. I didn't go more than 2- 3 times a year, I am a proper family man.

I have to walk past it every day as it is near my children's schools. So no escape from it .

It was New Year's Eve and I was only walking to the toilet so totally unprovoked.

Thank you for listening .

 

[Spiderallis]

You've got some very good things working in your favor- seems you've got clear insight with yourself, that's going to be very helpful in therapy. You're very motivated to recover and that's another big positive. I'm sorry your wife isn't able to understand your current situation yet, perhaps in time she will? In the meantime I'm glad you've found the forums, I hope posting here helps you as much as it has me.

Now, for the not-so-happy news. When I began therapy, I was told it does get worse before it gets better. That's putting it lightly! Your rough time at the market is a good example. I think some of it comes from admitting that something is wrong and we need help to fix it. It gets harder to keep putting on the 'brave face' mask when you're beginning to work on recovery.

Everything you feel right now is very common, especially early on- it's a scary, confusing place to be. It's hard for even trained professionals to give an estimated time-line, but CBT is a highly effective form of therapy for PTSD. You'll have assignments to work on between sessions, but it's a very logical process and easy to understand. You're a smart gent, you'll do quite well with that.

Not everyone needs medication. There's a 'medications' area of the forum that can give you a clearer idea of what to expect from a certain drug if your doctor thinks it would help you. In general antidepressants take at least a month to have much effect, and sometimes people have to try a few before finding the right one.

Congrats on seeking help and beginning on your healing process!

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome At the Seams, for what it's worth I had to drive past the location of my adult sexual assault to go to work for a few years. It can normalize with repetition and ease/desensitize some. My spouse, like yours prefers not to deal with issues... so the forum is a good choice for support as you sort things out and work on some recovery.

Things can and do improve for us... in varying degrees. So chin up and there is no need to feel stupid or scared about wanting to improve.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi and welcome!

I'm so sorry you've endured trauma but I'm glad you're here as this is a great place to get support.

And I'm sorry that your wife isn't more supportive. Sometimes it's just easier for those around us to just ignore the issues. I'm not giving an excuse, rather an explanation. No matter the reason, it still hurts :(

I'm glad you're protecting your kids from this. I think it's important for them to know about your struggles (age appropriate explanations, of course). I also think that you need an outlet outside of the home. His forum is one place to turn. Maybe there are local PTSD support groups in your area that can provide additional help?

Sadly it often does get worse before it gets better. Well, at least that's my experience.

CBT can help within the very first session. I HIGHLY recommend Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies. It is published in the UK and I'm assuming it's still in print. You can read a little bit at a time and work your way through the book. Yes, you'll learn skills in therapy, but at one 45 minute session a week, it may be a bit slow going. That's why I recommend the book as it will give you a deeper understanding of the skills and you can work/read at your own pace.

Medication can help, but sometimes it takes a few tries before you find the best medication for you.

In terms of getting "you" back, well you probably won't be the exact same person as before, as trauma changes us. However, you CAN heal and reduce/eliminate symptoms over time with hard work, and get back to a similar level of functioning.

I think that some set themselves up for disappointment by putting a timeline on healing. Unfortunately there is no timeline. Some heal more quickly than others so it's best to not compare yourself to others. Learning to give myself time to heal was one of the hardest things for me at the beginning. It still is to some extent.

I'm glad you found the forum!

 

[macca]

Hey Attheseams, it's clear you are doing it really tough right now. I'm sorry your wife does not understand yet, maybe once you are going to therapy, she might be able to sit in on a session - sometimes hearing it from a professional helps in that situation. As for the CBT - I've only had 7 sessions of it now and it really is helping. Long way to go, but I can see some improvement. Hope it goes well for you, you won't always feel as bad as you do right now.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Welcome to the forum. I wish you all the best in your path towards healing.

 

[Attheseams]

Hi All,

Thank you all very much for the kind words and thoughts.
I did know who I was, at the moment I don't know who or what I am and as you say it is scary and confusing.

I am very motivated, as I not only want but have to feel better for my family and I do hope as you say that my wife will come round in time perhaps when my therapy starts in earnest.

Until then this is most definatley a great place to share my thoughts without recrimination. A place where I can visit that is safe.

I really appreciate the honesty in your replies, that I won't feel better overnight and that I will most probably feel worse before I do feel any better. At least knowing that now, I can set my targets realistically and won't be disappointed ,

And maybe rather that thinking , take a tablet and I will be cured philosophy.
I may need to not only try to move forwards and heal but to get to know my new self and learn to live with that.

I will look up the dummies guide, even the word " therapy" make me nervous, so I am sure knowing what to expect will take some of the mystery away.

Walking past where I was attacked every day, although difficult is necessary and perhaps has become normal to me and maybe I should try and see each step past, a step in the right direction.

As I have heard many times,
The first step ....

Thank you all once again, not only for the kind words and encouragement but also for the warm welcome.

I feel that I have found a safe port here.

 

[DMerish]

Hi Attheseams and welcome to the forum.

You have indeed found a very safe port here, and one filled with many resources to learn more about PTSD. At the top of this page there is a tab titled "Articles" - I suggest going there. Understanding PTSD, how it manifests in you, and finding tools (therapy, support groups, and possibly medication) that help you to manage your symptoms is the path to healing.

You are the same person you were before. In time, I think you'll find this to be true.

However, now there's an added element that wasn't there before. Work on healing will facilitate some components of that added element to slip away, or recede. I've had PTSD for about 25 years with long periods (four - seven years) of relative symptom free "remission". When symptoms return, it's not comfortable. My symptoms can be severe. However, I consider my symptoms more like an annoyance and deal with them rather than trying to fight them - CBT and mindfulness meditation has helped me a lot.

My wife doesn't want to accept I have some issues so prefers to overlook things

Some people simply can't or won't understand. I can't imagine having a spouse who could completely understand, and I don't think having a spouse that doesn't understand is necessarily a bad thing, all the time. Our closest family members and friends want us to be involved, to do things we would normally do, and experience life together as we did before. And in many respects I think that's a good thing - it pushes us, providing the pushing isn't too demanding/overwhelming. Additionally, it can be easy for some loved ones to take on more responsibility for the condition, which isn't good for them or us. It's our/your/my "issue" - if your relationship with your wife was good before, and you work on your issue, in my opinion (IMO) you're relationship is likely to normalize.

Good luck on your healing journey. I'm glad you found us.

Drew

 

[Britt.f7]

Welcome to the forum. I wish that no one had to be here, but, since that is not going to happen, I'm glad we all have a place to go.

It's easier having a supportive spouse, but I think, she'll probably follow your lead. There is also a part for supporters of PTSD survivors on this forum. If she ever wants to poke around.

Medicine has helped me, but I suffer from depression and anxiety and my abuse occurred when I was a child. So I'm not sure if that makes a difference or not in the way it helps. Still have to do the work though(therapy). Medicine is not a cure all for this.

It's good that you see you have a problem and are seeking help. Some people go years in denial and, in my opinion, that only makes things worse.

Nothing wrong with your kids seeing you getting help. Age appropriate of course is the best way to approach any of this. Last year my kids witnessed my severe depression and admittance into a hospital for a few days. The were 17 and 14 at the time. I was worried about my boys but they handled it rather well. Both my husband and I were open with them. They even came to visit, which I was surprised.

You started out a good dad, you will continue to be a good dad. You'll just be human.

I really wish people knew how their actions can affect others. I really wished they cared.

 

[Attheseams]

Hi All,
I can't think of many, if any places I have been where I have been offered such genuine kindness and caring.

Unfortunately the individuals who inflict suffering on others don't care and are indifferent to the consequences of their actions,they don't know how to care. That is their loss.

I can't say how lucky I am to have found this site.

Even now when I am feeling as confused and messed up as I do I can think back to the messages you have left here and it is a real privilege for me to have you all so willing to share your knowledge and experiences with me.

Thank you all so very much for your words and thoughts.

I don't feel as alone as I did .

I have realistic understanding that although I may not have hit the bottom yet and it may get worse before it gets better.
But at least I know that it will get better, however long it takes , it will get better.

I am sure that my children when old enough, will understand and see me no differently to how they do now.

I feel almost a sense of relief that even though I may bottle up and try to hide what I am feeling and thinking from those around me, that I have here where I can just say how I feel and think.

Every step is positive as I will keep moving forward and I will hopefully one day be able to offer my experiences as a helping hand to others who are where I am right now.

Thank you all again

Craig