What Should I Have Said?

[Lemmingnot]

My husband of 11 years is a childhood trauma survivor. I'm bipolar, and together we make a pretty good team. We've had our ups and downs, like everybody else, but as you know, sometimes sufferers and supporters have a whole bunch of different ups and downs.

For example,sometimes when my husband yells, he says things like, "Everybody thinks I'm a failure, and now you do too."

What do I say to try to diffuse the situation? I realize that each person and each situation is different, but are there some general guidelines? If I say, "Oh no, you're mistaken," I'm told that I devalue his feelings. If I agree with him, that can't be good to validate a lie.But he doesn't seem to hear me or believe whatever I say anyway, so should I walk away?

I know there are certain things like speaking calmly and not making sudden movements that help not escalate things. Are there any key phrases to say or avoid? Sometimes it seems that whatever I say is wrong, and he's just going to jump on me for my response anyways, whatever it is.

Are there therapeutic tricks to break the rage cycle?

 

[Zipperhead]

How about picking which part to respond to? "Everyone thinks I'm a failure." So therefore "They don't understand what you are going through, and I know how hard you are really trying, I'm proud of you." So you didn't invalidate the statement, but at the same time, you got your mesage across.

PS- I don't know how I'd respond to that, but it might be worth a try.

 

[Deimos]

What seems to defuse the issue when I get like this is talking about other things that will lead my thoughts to something more positive. Your right that when he says "Everybody thinks I'm a failure" if you disagree he might internalize it the wrong way. If you say "No people don't think that" he might feel like he is being lied to. In a scenario like this I found it best if my wife does not directly respond to the statement. Instead, she will say "hey do you remember when _____ happened and you did _____to fix the situation?" Try bringing up things he is proud of and in doing so, on his own will realize that he is not a failure. Don't answer to the failure comment but rather lead his thoughts to how he is a success. If he comes to the conclusion that he isn't a failure on his own (with a bit of coaxing) he can't internalize your response in a negative manner.

 

[ronin47]

Personally whenever people get into a heated argument I'm always a fan of just walking away and saying "We'll talk about this when we're both calmer and thinking clearly"

 

[Lemmingnot]

Thanks guys. I've talked to my husband about these suggestions, and he's thinking about it. The important thing is that we are talking about it and trying to find a solution.

Personally, I distracted myself out of my own little sadnesses the other day.Simple distraction And I used the indirect approach to head off some potential new computer program installation stress my husband was feeling. Every time he would start to sound exasperated, I would remind him about how good he was at figuring these things out,... "remember that damn Cubase program? Man, you worked for hours on that, and now you're so much more advanced!"

 

[Tinyflame]

You sound like you have a good 'feel' for it, keep doing what you do.

You wouldn't have made it this far this well as you've said if you already weren't both doing something right.

 

[Lemmingnot]

Aw, thanks, Junebug. We've had some extra big stressors as of late. Your vote of confidence was really needed this morning. :D