What Should I Write?

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

After the last two therapy sessions before today's, I have been extremely irritable. All I want to do is curl up somewhere by myself and hide. The sessions have been helpful overall, it's just a lot to process and I do that better when I am alone. After both of these sessions I was alone with my boys so no chance of hiding away.

As a kid, I was too afraid to yell or cry or do anything wrong. Even still it didn't always prevent the punishment. Now when my kids are yelling, fighting, being loud, or just doing anything that I somehow don't sense as being okay, I freak out. I know this reaction so I try to just ignore it. But if it becomes too much, if I can't calm the kids or re-direct them, I have an angry part that takes over. And she will yell at them. If she doesn't come out, I just feel panicky and like I am drowning. Either way it's not good.

So today my therapist and I talked about how I can help myself when I start to feel overwhelmed by my kids. She suggested that I write myself a note to reassure myself that it will be okay. She would say something like "You're safe now." but she knows I won't believe that. I don't believe in safety. So she thought of "You're not in danger" I didn't like that either. I like the idea of having something written down that I can just pull out and look at. I just don't know what to say. Any suggestions?

 

[Jane.l]

How about 'right here,right now you are ok' my T says that and I find it quite reassuring.

Also there is an acupressure point you can do for yourself - near your wrist - for panic /anxiety / feeling overwhelmed - google it I find it really helps - using it a lot right now .

 

[KwanYingirl]

How about several notes? You'd get pretty tired of the same old note to self. I keep a small journal next to my bed. Only positive quotes or notes to myself are allowed in it. I don't know which quote will 'speak' to me at any particular time. It has helped my irritable moods that can linger after therapy.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

If I may ask, what are you thinking about when the angry part of you comes out? I'm thinking, maybe if you can realize why you're feeling angry and/or panicky, it could be easier to let those notes sink in and calm down?

 

[digger]

I think I'd focus on trying to aim the notes and what they say at the angry part. Try and figure out what he/she needs to hear at these times. It seems to be that part that needs reassuring that things are okay and that the kids will calm down easier if he/she is calm too. Do you know what makes this part angry? Are they trying to protect you because the kids are stressing you, or is it something actually in the kids behaviour that is triggering the angry response? What age is the angry part? - Does he/she need gently reminding that you are the parent and can deal with the kids yourself, maybe in a 'thank you for trying to intervene but I've got this' kind of way?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Jane.l - That phrase might work. My therapist tries it on me, but so far I resist it. Although you use "ok" and she uses "safe" so perhaps that subtle difference will be enough.

@KwanYingirl - I plan to have several phrase over time as I develop what I need. My hope is to have a little pack of things to look at that can help me. I already have "breathe and believe".

@Snowwhite and @digger - You both asked some similar questions or made similar suggestions. The angry part is probably around 16 or 17. I know that I am triggered whenever the boys are misbehaving or yelling. My therapist thinks that it's because it wasn't safe for me to do those things and I get triggered into the panic feelings of needing to stop them fast before anyone gets punished. I agree. The angry one I think is reacting to that feeling of desire to make it stop. She hates kids and that's probably why. I like the idea of reminding myself that I am the parent now and perhaps that will help her, too.

 

[digger]

It sounds like she's maybe scared of getting into trouble? Like, shut up kids or your going to get (us) into trouble? Maybe giving her permission to go elsewhere while you're dealing with it might also be an option. I might be off the mark, but I'd imagine some of your anxiety and fear is also partly to do with being worried that she's going to come out? Reassuring her that she doesn't need to might help reassure you that she won't.

One thing I found helpful, especially when my son was younger, was to take a moment to remind myself that I didn't want to parent my son in the way I was parented and that I was choosing not to. So maybe something along those lines too - I can choose to do things differently. My children can be children.

 

[RussH]

Hi JEK. How about " Just breathe: in and out, now a cleansing breath, and say I will be ok."

Personally I am having a lousy day to day, so maybe I should take my own advice, nevertheless, I want you to be well and happy.

 

[Friday]

Don't know if it will help... But the way I stopped yelling myself was to make some rules apply to everyone (house rules), including myself, and to hold myself to them, and to figure out what I wanted to teach/ believe about yelling.

House Rule: Yelling
When is it okay to yell? When there's danger, or you're far away.

I have to do things on a positive slant/ my brain doesn't process negatives right. I can't personally say don't if this that or the other, or this is bad, etc. I can't "reach" for it and apply it. (I can't say "Don't run in the house" I can say "Walk in the house unless _______".) I need something I can actually do. What's the right thing to do in this situation? So if I want to yell, I ask myself if there's danger? No. Am I far away? No. Okay, then I need to do something else, then. It's just enough of a pause to kick into emotional monitoring & self regulation. Because if I want to yell, and there's no danger or distance... There's a reason. Which means I need to sort out that reason and deal with it. It usually means a timeout. Which is another house rule.

House Rule: The TimeOut Compendium

- Timeouts aren't punishments, whether you send yourself or someone else sends you. You're not in trouble. (Although you may be after the timeout). TimeOuts are a time to let hot emotions fade and cool reason return.

- Timeouts are sacred. Unless it's an emergency, if a person is on Timeout, they are not to be interacted with/ pestered/ or in any other way messed with until they've completed their timeout.

- There is no set time. It could be 30 seconds or 3 hours.

- To "complete" a TimeOut you have to do 4 things (without getting emotional):
1 - Be able to describe what happened (I wanted to yell, or I did yell etc.)
2 - Be able to say why it happened (I was scared because of the noise, or I was angry at misbehavior)
3 - Come up with at least 2 different things to do next time, because there will always be a next time. The "why" will always happen again, even if the what doesn't
((Noise 2+ = tell them to take the ruckus outside or quiet down, if they don't banish them to their rooms... Put on earphones and listen to music... Spray them with the hose. // Misbehavior 2+ = warn them they're breaking the rules ... invoke rules surrounding breaking the rules,))
4 - Put it right (apologize, fix anything broken, decide on any atonement needed, do one of the alternatives, etc.)

 

[Jane.l]

@FridayJones that is such a cool post ! I have copied it to use with my kids - wondering if I could adapt some of it to help with my very unhelpful coping strategies - something to think on - thanks

 

[KwanYingirl]

My sister and I both kept this saying on our fridges when our children were growing up:
A child will either blossom into brilliance or shatter into despair
Depending on whether you use a watering can or a hammer.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I know my parts are part of me, but at the moment they are not seeming to be- they are like separate people. I can can do think before I yell. I've done this in the past and it has worked really well. I don't give into yelling very often because it scares me too much. I don't want to be the kind of parents mine were when I was little, but it is really hard when I am not in control. I need to learn the warning signs of when she's coming. In the meantime, the plan is that whenever the boys yell or fight, etc., I read whatever I come up with to help prevent that anger part from coming. I think that a simple statement like "I am the parent now" might pull me back to calm and reassure the angry one.

@FridayJones - I use timeouts with my boys, the older one more so as the other is only 2, but we're starting with him as well. I like your model, it's more in depth. I will share that with my husband.

@RussH - I am sorry you have been having a lousy day. I cannot do breathing in order to calm me when I am in that state or most panic states. It sends me into more of a panic. Funny as one of my mantas is breathe and believe, but I have to use that when I am just starting to feel anxiety or before I start a hard task like driving. I have in calm moments been working on reassuring myself it is okay to do breathing work.