What To Do?

[NarcSis]

I had an appointment to meet my new therapist yesterday and she assured me that we have 12 weeks to work on SI therapy. I then got home to a phone message from a return to work person - the same person who verbally attacked me on the phone in the spring causing me to then be diagnosed with "adjustment disorder".

I am terrified of this man. I hate to admit it but I am, the sound of his voice strikes fear in me. I couldn't sleep last night. I do not want to call him back but I have to don't I? I have called my new therapist and left her a message explaining my dilemma. She told me yesterday that I didn't have to worry about them anymore, she'd take care of them, so am I just being paranoid here? I can't think straight here. I fear if I call him I will not be able to think again and just end up crying with him yelling at me and threatening me again.

I hate that PTSD makes me not able to handle situations that I used to be able to handle with ease. I used to eat guys like him for breakfast and now I feel like I'm made of matchsticks!

What do I do? Do I sit and wait to hear from my therapist or do I "suck it up" and call this guy back?

 

[anthony]

What is honestly the worst thing that can happen to you by picking up the phone and calling him? List them of and look at the realistic view of the fear you're expressing. Fear is normal, though whether the fear controls you or you take control of the fear, that is a decision only you can make.

 

[NarcSis]

Honestly, the worst thing that can happen is that he files a poor report against me with my insurance company (because he doesn't understand PTSD) and my income gets cut off.

He is not a trauma person, he is simply a bureaucrat trying to clear a file. I am nothing more than a file number to this guy.

What did I do? I called my new therapist who assured me she will take care of this for me. I am ill equipped to deal with this amount of stress for now. It makes me feel extremely ashamed to have to admit this but I'm being blatantly honest here.....apparently the SIT I was getting before was inadequate.

I will one day be able to handle conflict again or stay calm when there is potential for it but that time has not arrived yet.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

What a d!ck. Sorry, but he is. There is nothing wrong with not being able to handle a situation at any given time. I think if we stay in that place, then it's a problem. However, you are working with your therapist to get to a better place where you can handle conflict.

(Yes, I've been in a similar place, different situation of course. I had someone else handle the correspondence for me as the whole situation spun me off to a very bad place with just one phone call. I still hate hearing the phone ring...)

 

[maddog]

I hate that PTSD makes me not able to handle situations that I used to be able to handle with ease. I used to eat guys like him for breakfast and now I feel like I'm made of matchsticks!

Your dilemma resonated very deeply with me Medic, I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing. I am currently almost entirely unable to deal with conflict of any kind, and this from someone who, as you said, used to almost feed on idiots and their colateral damage.

Nowadays even the hint of a threat or aggression spins me to virtual panic, irrational fear aggression, tears, obsessive flight response and generalised distress that is completely out of proportion to the situation. I have had to have my T fight many ridiculously trivial battles on my behalf recently, because I am unable to do so myself.

Yes, I hate this about my situation too. I tell myself time and time again that this is just a symptom, a particularly inflamed one right now, and it will pass as I get better. Please tell yourself that too, and in the meantime, don't be ashamed to lean on those who can cut through the crap for you. People help because they care and want to, and sometimes, that's ok.

Maddog

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hope you get this all sorted out. I am sad that you have to go through this experience. I think it is so sad that it could affect you in such a serious way. You are normal for what you have gone through. I hope you will be kind to yourself and treat yourself well. You have so much going on. I wish you the best. I hope for the best options for you. Take care.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I really feel for you because I am going through the exact same thing at the moment. I have a bounty of irrational fears over the process I am currently going through to get approved for long term disability. Anything associated with it sends me into such a state that it takes days for the effects of the contact to wear off. I used to use a very aggressive aspect of my personality to deal with conflicts and difficult people - it actually served me very well and enabled me to propel myself forward in my career. Now? I'm like a weak little kitten where any semblance of conflict sends me running for the hills.

maddog, I've also come to rely on my therapist very heavily in any situation where I have to deal with work or insurance. Makes me feel a bit useless that I can't manage it on my own but I'm really not the best advocate for myself right now.

 

[Estacia]

Medic72, Sometimes we have to take a pass on the "responciblity" to others. What I mean by that is if you have an avocate or someone on your behalf to deal with him for you. He is setting you off and this is not good for you. I don't know if this is the best advice I can give. I wish you health and wellness.

 

[NarcSis]

I feel I've been pushed to my limit. I cannot take this anymore and the only thing left for me to do is say, "No".
I have called and left a message telling him I will not be complying with this return to work bulls**t that has left me reeling. I know what is best for me at this point.

Why do I feel so guilty for standing up for me? Why do I feel like a bad child who is not doing what they're told? I've always played by the rules, I just can't do it this time - I'm not a file number, I am a damned human being and I refuse to let them kill me!

 

[Bimble]

Medic72, I can so relate to your posts here. I feel I am totally at the end of my tether with things at the moment.

I thought I was getting my PTSD under control, but at work I've had to ensure my manager leaving personal notes about my condition on his desk for all to see, my name as a service user in the mental health trust I WORK FOR (!) used in a presentation in front of other managers, colleagues asking personal and probing questions about my PTSD (I've never even told them I have PTSD), receiving a spreadsheet detailing 000's of service users who are on Quetiapine and asking me to analyse it (knowing full well I am on Quetiapine) then seeing my personal medical notes in this spreadsheet detailing my name, address, NHS number, GP details, diagnosis etc. etc.

Every time I raise this with them and 'complain' I get the standard corporate response - we've not done anything wrong. When I asked my manager how he'd feel if his name and notes was in a spreadsheet containing people diagnosed with, say HIV, he said he couldn't possibly say how he'd feel and asked to move the discussion on...

I have such a mis-trust of my managers, my work colleagues. Often on the way out of the office a colleague would say ' off to see the head doctor again?' - how the hell do they know??

I am paranoid, highly anxious, on edge all the time - they make me feel like I'm constantly complaining about stuff, but I'm simply trying to work through my issues.

It's coming to end of my re-deployment now and I am facing having my contract terminated on ill health grounds...this makes me so mad, as I feel I have largely learnt to manage my PTSD and this in itself is not the only thing stopping me from going back to the place I used to work at, before I had my accident.

I cannot even think about these people without getting angry, feeling stripped of my dignity, feeling let down, feeling threatened by them - I am paranoid ALL THE TIME that they are talking about me, saying things, laughing behind my back. I am shaking all the time, feel ill, I just can't cope and it's bringing me down again.

It's hell, it really is.

 

[KarlaSTi]

Bimble, your post really hit me, as I've had the same issues. I used to work for an "all girl" automotive garage, even though it was only guys in the shop... But the two women owners made my life a living hell. They would whisper and giggle to one another while looking at me from across the room, they would make me have a weekly performance update meeting with them and would basically attack me as if I were completely incapable of doing any job on my own (they didn't require this of any other employees), they would ask why I am "so slow and unwilling to concentrate on anything"... They worsened my PTSD and knew they were doing it. My one boss even yelled at me to get back to work and pushed me through the doorway when all I asked was if I could leave an hour early for a Dr's appt.

It's ignorant morons like the two Women from that shop that make this harder on us. And of course, I am unable to respond to any of this at the time it's happening, as I just freeze up like a statue...

Good news is, I opened my own auto repair shop and now answer to myself, much more manageable and comfortable for me where I can take time at home to myself if my anxiety is particularly bad one day... although, I am still trying to recover from the way I was treated at that last shop I worked for.. ugh... Teachers and bosses have certainly made my symptoms much worse over the years, but somehow, I've gotten through most of it... :-/

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Bimble)))