Relationship What To Do

[Shayla12]

I don't know where to go from here...

The sufferer and I broke up almost 5 weeks ago after 2 years together because he said- he wasn't good for me, couldn't give me what I needed, still loved me but just wanted to be alone, etc. I find out 2 weeks after we broke up that he is in another relationship and has moved her and her daughter into, what was our home, so that they can get out of an abusive relationship. The pain of this information cripples me, but I manage to pick up and start to move on.

Here's some background that might help. K, the sufferer, has seen heavy combat and just recently got out of the Marines almost a year ago. His dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer 6 months ago, and financially K has nothing left. He works 2 jobs: a day job and then as a bouncer 2 nights a week and still struggles to get by. The bouncer job is a new thing, he's worked there less than 2 months, and that's where he met his current girlfriend- she's a bartender there. That bar isn't the place for him, it allows him to escape reality and causes a lot of tension in him with his PTSD, but he loves working there because he can let out a lot of his frustration through drinking and partying.

A week ago I get a phone call from him. He's says that he misses me, made a huge mistake, that he didn't intend to date her, he just wanted to save her and things got out of control and now he can't find a way out. He even apologized. I managed to be very cordial with him, I got him to laugh(which I can't remember how long it's been since I've heard him laugh), and I got the chance to ask him why he was with her. He told me that being with her was easy- he never sees her because of her work schedule and she didn't know his story so she doesn't see what I did. All she knows him as is that fun, happy bouncer who gave her a free place to live, and 'saved' her from struggling.

He's very depressed, scared, lonely, and now has nobody who understands him. He opened up to me for 2 hours like he's never opened up to me when we were dating.

His family has washed their hands with him after how he's treated them, and I can't blame them. He's selfish, out of control, and can't seem to see that what he's doing is killing everyone who loves him...including myself. He's crumbling, and just keeps finding a new rock bottom.

I've been able to forgive him for what he did to me- I had to so that I could move on but what do I do now with him? You can't force someone to get help, but I'm afraid if I completely shut him out he won't be able to survive it. I know he doesn't open up to anyone other than me, because they don't understand what he's going through. I saw it and battled it with him for 2 years...

I was very firm with him on where I stand regrading our communication- I'm just a voice on the phone. There can't be any feelings, he knows I've moved on, but I'm at a loss on if I should continue to be there for him? My instincts and my heart are telling me to talk with him, give him a place to let it all out, but my mind is telling me to shut him down.

I'm scared for him and don't have any answers...

 

[Em C.]

You don't have to be there for him. It's great that you're someone he opens up to buy that is on him and not on you. Just because he has PTSD does not give him the excuse to leave you and want you to be there for him.

Good for you for setting boundaries! I am quite horrible at it.

Sometimes what I find helps is writing a pros and cons list. It can help you know your own mind :)

Hugs!

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I think it's really sad but understandable that's he's turned towards drinking and partying , he probably hates it in reality and wakes up feeling like crap but unfortunately it's his escapism rightly or wrong?

The other woman! He obviously doesn't love her but in his mind is trying to help her probably to make himself feel better that he's able to help someone vulnerable , ironically he's very venerable himself and by throwing all his support into her and her child is his way of ignoring his own issues, he obviously needs your support or he would have totally detached himself, he needs an outlet ,but maybe your not he person because he was attached to you at some point in his life , but because you understand his situation and his PTSD he's going to keep coming back to you for support which wil become tiresome , he probably needs an independent person maybe a counsellor who will listen to him offload without judging him because he's totally independent to that person , I wish you both luck but please lay down some solid boundaries or else your friendship will end up being avoidance on both sides, good luck to both of you x

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you! Obviously, no matter what, you do NOT deserve to be treated badly! As long as he is a bouncer, he will do just that. Bounce.

I used to believe I couldn't be 'whole' without a man, and that caused me to get married 4, yes, 4 times. Not ONE time did I use logic. I went with my feelings. Feelings CANNOT be used to make choices! He needs to 'save' himself'. It sounds like he is looking for someone else to 'save' him. Professional counseling is necessary. You can listen, but not really help...you aren't trained.

It sounds like there are no children involved...that is a WONDERFUL thing!!!! He must travel this road to healing, alone. No one can do it for him. You can't be his crutch, or you will be stuck in that position forever. He has to get well first!

I do think you are an amazing person to be able to forgive him, for the betrayal, but the way he did it, was the 'chicken' way....telling you he was not good enough for you. BIG RED FLAG! A sign of weakness, and a willingness to hurt you to 'feel better' with someone else.

For me, true love HAS to include: Trust, Respect, and Love...and Logic. NO SEX until EVERYTHING else is fixed and stable. For guys, sex keeps them from going into themselves because everything 'feels' better afterwards.

Good luck, and I hope you put yourself first! Mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical health for YOU first! Just like when you fly and they tell you if the cabin loses oxygen. Put yours on first, then you can help others.

I hope this helps!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I understand wanting to be there, but can there really be no emotions involved? You can be an ear on the phone, but at the same time, if he isn't getting help, this can get old and frustrating as you'll sit there hearing the same problems over and over and over again. He's already lost his family and he's lost you, but he hasn't hit rock bottom yet. Maybe he has to hit rock bottom before getting help? I'm all for helping people, but not if they aren't willing to help themselves as its not fair to you to put your time and energy out there when they aren't willing to do the same. I have a feeling that guilt is playing into all of this and that keeps you hooked. Perhaps you feel guilty of the possible "what if?" scenarios that could play out if he doesn't have you anymore.

 

[Shayla12]

Thank you for your response @Confused Wingless! You're right, I've brought it up to him that he needs to talk to a professional because I don't have the answers for him, I can just listen and tell him my opinion. He started down that road, but as soon as he started this job at the bar all avenues toward that got shut down. He focused on using the bar to escape his problems.

I know he gets some relief after he opens up to me, you can't keep that kind of anguish inside, it will always eat its way out.

@Solara I believe you're right, and I have a suspicion that his rock bottom isn't far from happening. I don't feel guilty right now, but I'm afraid I'd feel guilty if I didn't help him. My feelings haven't gone away- I loved K for over 2 years and 5 years as a friend before that. That's a lot of history. It seems that the more I push for him to get professional help the more out of control he becomes. I will say that he has made some VERY minor changes to get better, but they're almost inconsequential compared to what it's truly going to take for him to find peace.

It's hard to see a person crumble and not be able to do anything.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Is he at all aware that he is burning bridges? Has he ever accepted responsibility for driving his family away? Is he going to keep you hostage because you know his problems? Alcohol and PTSD do not make happiness. I agree with the previous advice. Keep yourself safe and sane. You sound like a very reasonable and logical person. I hope he doesn't drag you into his muck and mire which it sounds like he is trying to.

 

[Shayla12]

@KwanYingirl I believe he's purposefully trying to burn those bridges. Majority of everything he does centers around the ideal that he's not good enough and needs to protect the people he loves by pushing them away so they don't get hurt by him. What he doesn't realize is that what he's doing is a catch-22, he's hurting them by pushing them away.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I think eventually hel come to his senses but unfortunately it maybe when he has hit rock bottom. Alcohol definately isn't the answer , I used it to mask my problems years ago apart from affecting my health , job and family it just made my cptsd worse .

I can feel your frustration and exasperation when reading your post, I think you've been a great support to him but don't let him use you when he feels it's OK to do so, it will only bring you down .

He has to take some responsibility himself, it's hard so hard when you love someone and you mention that you are friends too, but you will make yourself ill fretting.

He needs proffesional help and hopefully one day hel accept it and rebuild his life . Good luck to both of you