What We Were. What We Are Now.

[Jimmy1]

I thought I would write this post in this section and hope it helps some of you guys and gals.

The heading 'What we were, and what we are now' has a major impact on our lives and is why a lot of PTSD sufferers have trouble functioning in their every day lives.

What we were. Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I still remember starched uniforms and spit polished boots. Being able to stand ramrod straight on a parade ground for hours and then perform precision drill. Being able to camouflage myself into the country side. Being able to run 5 km (3.1 miles) in 19 minutes, or 2.4 km (1.5 miles) in 10 min, do hundreds of situps. I could navigate to within almost 10 m without a GPS. Later on in my career, manage 50 - 60 troops, keep them all fed, clothed and alive. And lastly manage my family of a wife and 5 kids.

What I am. This is where we all struggle at times and I still have problems with from time to time.

I am no longer a soldier. I have gained 20 kg. I am flat out managing my one son. Some days I am flat out remembering which way to drive and often take the wrong road.

So, our self esteem is one of the important things that we need to manage.
Put things in perspective and they will become easier.

I have noticed numerous threads about sleep. I was once told by my doctor the more I think about how much I am not sleeping, the more anxious I will get and the less sleep I will get. Does that make sense??
If you are not working take a nap during the day, or change your thinking and try to stay awake. Do you remember as a child trying to stay awake. Do you remember being on piquet and your eyes getting heavy.
I used to have sleep problems. It's just a matter of juggling medication and diet. Also think about exercise if you can and are not too broken.

Its hard managing yourself though I know. Its easy saying all these things, but another to put them into practice.

But now I have to answer the question of 'Who am I now' like this.

I am a father and a grandfather. I am a returned serviceman. I am going to be a husband to my future wife. And I should be proud of who I am now.

So what if I can't tie my shoe laces at the moment. So what if I cannot do the things I used to. So what.

I am still alive and have the rest of my life to live.

There was a saying in the movie 'The Shawshank Redemption' that I love.
'Either get busy living or get busy dying'

Hope this has not been too much psychobabble for you, but you should write a list of what you are and who you are now. Think about all the good things you have to offer the world and your children. Think about getting yourself well enough to help veterans returning from overseas. Making sure they get the right help.

We all have a purpose in life, and its just a matter of finding out what it is.

Jimmy

 

[willis williams]

Jimmy, I'm allready trying just a lot of turbulaance lately.

 

[abnvet]

Jimmy, great post. Much appreciated!

 

[No Folded Hands]

Well...I just watched a clip on youtube that had be caught between crying and laughing. Odd how it dovetails into your post, Jimmy.

I remember watching the funniest looking aircraft of all time. It looked like a cartoon with its long thin fuselage and those sailplane-wide wings. I laughed when I first saw, on the flightline, that the very tips actually had small training wheels to keep them off the ground. I remember not believing they took off nose down until I saw it myself. I remember the stories my former military flight instructor told me about the days he flew them, and the tricks he taught me that amazed the instructor pilot at my installation who put me in the simulator for fun. I remember being a damned good GA pilot, and that the experience helped me connect with military flight ops people and pilots during my duties.

I remember how scary it was being made OIC of my department in the hospital fresh out of training, and busting my butt to get better and better at the nuts and bolts of the job, to make sure no one ever got hurt or died if something I could have done or could have trained someone else to do better might have prevented it. I took it all extremely seriously then and wouldn't have understood any other approach. And I remember the day I found out I had acquired a widespread positive rep through what I thought then (and still do, for that matter) was just doing my job, and feeling both surprised and humbled. I don't have to remember some of it; I have no medals for action but there are a couple of pieces of paper still in the old military stuff in my filing cabinet. Copies of awards to my department for jobs well done.

I remember being good at what I did, and taking that ability for granted. I remember doing 5 miles a day for fun, and 20 miles every weekend for fitness. Oh boy, do I remember being fairly good at interacting with a variety of people from different backgrounds, and enjoying learning to know enough about a group that I could modify officialese appropriately when educating, and being able to take apart darned near any job not requiring specialized knowledge and figure out how to do it at least reasonably. Or getting past the usual mindset to the fundamentals and changing the usual procedures until I had something that worked, when standard stuff wasn't available for some reason. I used to be a problem solver. I also used to be able to run half a dozen complicated tasks at once, quickly, without missing a beat.

Boy, have I changed.

I have trouble making decisions, concentrating, prioritizing, or learning anything completely new. Multitasking is a thing of the past. The best I can do now is serial tasking. One thing at a time, first A then B then C...if I can handle the stress of doing A & B & C without a break inbetween, that is. I need lots of down time to regroup. I go ballistic and/or break things when I try to figure out even mildly complicated jobs, or try to get through the fluff to the fundamental and find a way to accomplish what needs to be done. Even when I do succeed, it usually takes me several tries and a long long time. I don't like meeting new people, and I don't like making friends because their expectations wear me out. My body is so messed up I can't do 10% of what I once did just for fun, and sometimes I forget things even with my memory aid notebook at hand to write them down in. I have moments of wondering why anyone at all would want to interact with me for any reason in any situation, so much has been lost.

So who am I now..? (and who do you want to be, anyway?)

Ooof, that's harder. I am not feeling very self-affirming right now.

I can say, it's still in there, somewhere. Or at least some of it is. It has to be. How else could I have managed to come up with a jury-rig to get me through school when formal therapy wasn't happening? Where else did not just the idea of analyzing my symptoms and applying other veterans experience to try to alleviate them, but the ability to actually do that, come from? For that matter, how else did I manage to do all those academic papers in all those classes? It's in there. But it's broken, hard to get to, impossible to sustain, and never easy or quick.

Ok. So. I am a recent graduate of a major US university, and a regional test case for the rights of PTSD disabled veterans appling for federal assistance with educational expenses. I am an unpaid volunteer providing assistance related to my degree field to those better equipped to look into and possibly change policies regarding PTSD-disabled veterans of the current and former eras at a couple of government agencies. I am looking into a possible paid position doing something similar working with another group of veterans just being recognized as underserved by the VA. Education, professional experience, and personal disability are merging into a toolbox I can use to contribute something meaningful, no matter how small that is in the general scheme of things.

And I can still grow a garden in pots and sit quietly enough by the water that deer show themselves and birds alight nearby.