What's Keeping You Alive?

[kapril]

Just want you to know you are not alone in your struggles...I had a total hysterectomy when I was 29, and before that I was hospitalized for many suicide attempts. I thought I was crazy (partly because some, but not all of my doctors thought I was because they couldn't come up with a diagnois for my abdominal pain and other symptoms.) As luck would have it my psychiatrist had been a gyne before switching to psychiatry, so he believed and supported me. I opted to go to Mayo Clinic, and they found out what was wrong with me. I had endometriosis way before they knew what it was, and how to effectively treat it. There is hope. My hope came in the form of therapy. We also were able to adopt a baby after waiting awhile. Our son is grown up now and has a family. We also babysit. I never would have imagined this turnabout of events 32 years ago. Hugs to you. Don't give up...Being a mom has been the best and hardest job I've had.

 

[gms1976]

Thanks Kapril, that's wonderful. I lost my fallopian tubes to endometriosis and for some reason I can't get pregnant after multiple rounds of IVF and the one time I did, I miscarried. It felt like a cruel joke because I don't seem to be allowed any happiness in this life. People who have PTSD have enough to deal with on a daily basis and I thought that this would be it - I would finally have a baby and my lovely husband would be the daddy he so badly wants to be. I was so wrong. What's even worse is that today, per the calculations of the MD, would have been my due date.

I have a boat-load of internal stress and a lot of mental pressure in my head. Sometimes the noisy and intrusive thoughts in my head make it impossible to think and it stresses me out. I'm actually a total stressball. I wish I could flip the switch and turn it off. I compulsively worry about everything as my parents were very emotionally neglectful and emotionally abusive.

My concern is that the massive amount of internal stress is preventing me from getting pregnant. We're consulting a reproductive immunology specialist in New York. He thinks I may have a very aggressive immune system that has been agitated by the endometriosis. I'm starting to think the same as I never, ever get sick. I don't get flu shots or shots of any kind. I never need antibiotics. I hope he has answers.

Thank you for your wonderful story. I'm not giving up. I promise!

Hugs!

 

[krikkit]

I feel like I'm already dead. I don't think ending it would feel any different. At least this way there are some good moments as opposed to nothing.

 

[HëllaBubz]

you're more than welcome sweetie, I have lots of love to go around, the more you love people, the better you feel anyway, so my motives are the tiniest little bit selfish :notworthy::p

Lots of love

Bubzi

 

[Spiderallis]

my T brought this up yesterday. I've been a spaced-out mess since then, apparently the 'right answer' is "because I want to live". So far I've got that I don't want to do that to the folks who care about me, they've got enough to deal with without me throwing a corpse on the pile. Oh, and my iguana doesn't like anyone else reaching into her habitat, just me.

 

[HëllaBubz]

that is soooo cool.

I love iguana's, they make the most awesome pets.

 

[Sheepdog57]

My kids - the generational stigma that they face is too much for me to force upon them.

 

[Elena Farely]

My partner. That is my only reason.

 

[Srain]

In the past it was seriously Divine Intervention because I had reckless abandon and full-on every intention to get the hell out of here gladly on more several occasions! Each time coming to I was furious and then depressed for weeks knowing I would somehow have to buck up and figure out how to deal with my shattered life until the next time.

These days I live primarily with Suicidal Ideation with occasional "mistakes" confused intentions which is even more difficult as I am more grounded in my relationships, aware of the impact my leaving in this way might have on those I love.

However, sometimes as I straddle the great divide I find no reason to stick it out, honestly. In depressed states or overwhelmed with symptoms I spend countless hours day and night sweating over this issue trying to figure out how much it would matter, me being here or not. What usually happens is I get a text from my DIL who has similar issues as me or my PTSD riddled pup comes to snuggle with me or my husband calls to see if I need anything from the store....what do you do with that??? :unsure: My guess is I remember that I'm not alone, others find my company somewhat okay and just maybe this will pass once again.

It did this week, once again and I can't imagine what I was thinking ...but yes, I can. I was exhausted, in pain emotionally and physically, I had had enough. Today I feel as far from that as possible, it's so easy to forget that it can actually pass.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I want to live, with my family. It is hard sometimes because I get so tired. But I want to live. My family keeps me alive and wanting more life.:)

 

[fairywings]

I needed this thread...loving these replies:)
1. Hope
2. Love
3. Coffee
4. That I can save a kitten soon...and have a friend
5. Drawing and painting (esp fairies) making stuff like purses jewelry
6. My dads memory ..he was the best!
7. That this migraine is going away slowly
8. That a man will love me one day and not abuse me...I still have hope in that
9.Music!
10. Finding this board by a friend (thanks friend):)

 

[DharmaGirl]

My wonderful son.
My friends
The hope that I will want to live soon.
My T