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What's Keeping You Alive?

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My partner is still my reason to go on.. But I'm slowly losing grip on reality and life. And he keeps telling me that if I did do something to myself, he'd be broken. And it feels like he is trying to guilt trip me when he says he isn't. But I'm just scared. My head is not in the right place right now and nothing (no medications, no therapy, etc...) helps me. I don't know if I can bring myself to goto work tomorrow but I have to.. I just hope the kids faces will cheer me up.
 
My brother. My brother. My brother. My brother.

He's saved me several times... The thought of him being the one to find me dead is too much for me-considering my PTSD cropped up from witnessing a friends attempted suicide at his age... I can't do that to him. I'm not going to do that to him. We're in my trauma together-even if he doesn't know it; and as long as he's alive, my goal is to protect him and support him when my parents can't or won't out of denial.

As long as he's alive; my goal is to make sure that he isn't traumatized if he remembers what happened to us. As long as he's alive I still have unfinished work. As long as he's alive, I will be too.

As long as he's alive I'm still somebody. Yes being my parents daughter means nothing to me, but being my little brothers protector and sister means everything to me.
 
After last night, and giving this more thought, I need to add another answer...

I'm afraid I'll fail.
As much as I'd love to gobble up every last pill that helps me sleep, I'd swallow the bottle itself as well as finish off the anti-anxiety medication I have....however, I'm not chancing it, just incase it doesn't work, if I failed to end my life, you will not find me in the hospital not being allowed to smoke!!! And yes, I am serious because that thought crosses my mind everytime I hit the end of my rope..

Answer in simple form...nicotine.:confused:
 
My dogs (I'm not sure they would be properly taken care of).
How terrible that would be for my sisters and other family members.
Not wanting to possibly ruin my friend's sobriety.
The thought of someone finding my body and being traumatized by it.
Not having the supplies needed to do it in a way that will actually work.
The idea of failing and just damaging my organs.
The idea of failing and being thrown back in the psych ward.
 
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