Relationship What's The Best Way To React When Your Sig. Other Solates

[Foxtrot]

Good points, thanks so much. It is interesting to me that isolation seems to take on several forms. First, isolate from me only and enjoy other people (perhaps the stress of a relationship causes this whereas other people "require" less from her) and second, isolate from most everything. I went to a therapist myself for the first time today and talked about some of these things. I think, all in all, the path forward seems to be treatment for her. She to date has avoided treatment like the plague; I'd be curious as to what has led some folks to treatment for the first time after suffering for years. Was it a crash? Just right words at the right time? An epiphany?

 

[revelry]

I'd be curious as to what has led some folks to treatment for the first time after suffering for years. Was it a crash? Just right words at the right time? An epiphany?

I dont know, I think we all want to believe that we can handle things on our own, and i think for the most part, we do, but there comes a time for everyone when it's fouth and down, and there arent any other options and we just ---punt.

I know, I know, its a football reference.......but its kinda what you do, when youve exhausted all other options, sometimes repeatedly, and to no avail.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess the reasons to get treatment have to outweigh the fear, 'impracticality', cost, stigma, and potential repercussions. I think an end to denial, or in some cases wanting more, whereas for others a 'bottoming out', the end of your life or your life as you know it, or not wanting to harm others further, is the turning point.

I think it's good to remember, no one wants to be this way.

 

[Foxtrot]

This is where I am with my GF. She's amazing but has been struggling by herself for 37 years and can't remember a time in her life that there wasn't abuse and trauma. Maybe that's hyperbole, but I don't think it is. Regardless, I have raised the issue of talking to a professional rather than just me. Several times. Several ways. Met with resistance which I of course can understand. "I can't tell a stranger any of this, too expensive, it doesn't work, etc." I'm still going to keep trying, gently, cautiously, with great care, but also with strength and conviction. I am fully convinced it is the only path forward for her and for us.

Then I myself screw up. Like the other night, after a string of nights spent at her house helping her through a rough patch, I totally spaced that I had promised to come over again and make her dinner one more night. Instead, it was a beautiful evening and so I went and found some time for myself, completely spacing the promise I had made. She had spent the whole day looking forward to the evening and then I screw up, forget my promise to her, and do something on my own. I think in a relationship that wasn't slathered with PTSD, she might have been able to say, "Hey, dips*&t, you promised to make me dinner, remember?" Instead, she said nothing and I went off on my merry way.

Hence the isolation for the past several days, she's barely talked to me. I don't even know why I'm sharing all of this here, but there it is. I'm an imperfect dude who loves a girl.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Foxtrot, at least you realize it.
I didn't realize you are both a bit 'older' ( :)eek:- That didn't come out right), what I mean is that is good, more maturity/ life experiences/ wisdom, etc that will help.
Yes, she likely wouldn't say anything to you (after), and will internalize it.

Don't be concerned it's the 'only' path, though I hear what you're saying. Read BloomInWinter's 'A Horse Named Paragon' and you will see.

 

[Foxtrot]

Thanks so much for sending me there this morning, Junebug. Ironically, I was out horseback riding the other night when I should have been taking care of my loved one . . . Horses keep me sane. Sometimes.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's ok Foxtrot, you're welcome, what do they say, "To err is human, to forgive Divine". She will forgive you.

By-and-large its been my experience though trust is extremely difficult we find it easier to forgive others than ourselves.
You just needed your own time to think and 'be' and cope.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

I'd be curious as to what has led some folks to treatment for the first time after suffering for years. Was it a crash? Just right words at the right time? An epiphany?

Hi Foxtrot,

I hate to admit it, but for me it was a crash both emotionally and I hit so low I tried to kill myself by crashing my car into a tree. That was when I finally got the help I needed. I know that is probably not too helpful to you...sorry. I was trying to think back if there was anything anyone could have done for me before I hit that point. The truth is, I wasn't offered help. I hid my inner trials very well and put on a mask of everything being ok. I didn't let people close, so nobody really could get a sense of what was going on inside. I was my own worse enemy by being so closed off to people. Had I been offered help....boy, I don't know. It is hard to say looking back if I would have accepted it. I want with all my heart to say I would have.

I wish you peace and many pleasant rides Foxtrot. Horses are my refuge too, Take care!

 

[becca mae]

This is my first day on this site and i have been reading post after post. It feels good to know that i am not alone. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 months and we're on isolation #2. The first time I sought him out after a week of the silent treatment and he said he couldn't believe I still wanted him and that he was happy I did. Then only a couple of weeks later began this--the second isolation which made no sense to me because one day he told me loved me and always would then nothing since. I haven't heard from him now in about 3 weeks. I'm trying not to seek him out again but it is killing me...any suggestions? He was so glad the last time I sought him out but I don't know about doing it again.

 

[Foxtrot]

It is a struggle, for sure. Patience is the best medicine, I've found.

 

[Greytowngal]

It is so comforting to find lots of other people in the same situation as me.

My husband has isolated himself and it is so hard for me because he is 6000 miles away in the Middle East! I hate being in this position - it is so hard being the carer, but not being able to help. He has been out there permanently since January this year and I have only seen him for a total of 4 weeks since then. He has emptied the joint bank account and said he wants to control all of the money - I had taken over the family finances when he asked me to in 2005 when he was suffering with PTSD and he couldn't cope with it. I now have to ask him to transfer money into the joint account so I can buy groceries. He has never been this controlling before, he is normally a very generous man. I went out to to visit him for a couple of weeks and he was up and down. It was like walking on eggshells and as long as I only spoke about work and nothing that required any form of emotion, then it was just about manageable. One day he would be okay(ish) and the next day he would be totally distant and uncommunicative. Since returning home, I have once again heard very little from him.

I know his PTSD has reared its ugly head again as I have lived with it with him for 13 years and I know the signs. Sadly he is in denial and keeps telling me he is not ill and that he is not under any stress and that I am imagining it all. Sometimes if I send him an e-mail and ask how the job is going, then he will send me a very 'formal' reply. If I send a text and say I am thinking about him, more often than not it will go unanswered. The other day we were talking on the telephone and I asked if it was okay that we paid for the 21st birthday lunch for the family (10 people), he asked if I knew how much it would be, and then immediately said yes it would be okay. Within about 30 seconds he then said No, he wasn't going to pay for everyone! He behaviour is now quite manic and then he told me I was in denial - that he was happy being on his own and that I just couldn't accept it, then he said listen and he shouted at the top of his voice "I'M IN MY APARTMENT, I LIKE BEING ON MY OWN, I'M HAPPY, I'M NOT ILL!!" It was really odd.

He is under enormous pressure at work - works 14 hours a day and drinks heavily. He has been given the responsibility to build up the business in the Middle East and everything rests on his shoulders. He has become a workaholic and become emotionally detached. He did not even return to the UK for our daughter's 21st birthday last week. I am so worried that he is heading for a nervous breakdown. Do I just sit and wait for it to happen?

In all of our years together it has never been this bad. Now he is working away, I have been unable to prevent this getting worse and worse.

If any sufferer or carer can offer any help or suggestions, I would really appreciate it.

I love my husband, he is the love of my life, my soul mate and I just want to help and support him.

 

[Angus McGee]

When I look back on my own situation, I always think that mine is the worst. Then, I read your story, Greytowngal. I'm very sorry for your situation. I do, however know how you feel.

My wife was horribly abused as a little girl. Physically, sexually, etc. Over the past 2.5 years, several things have happened in her / our lives that have caused her to have a relapse, and shut down completely emotionally. Since January of this year, she has told me "You have to let me go. You deserve someone better than me, etc." I, in reply, told her "The person I deserve is you."

Last month, she moved out. She assures me that it has nothing to do with me, or our marriage. She was diagnosed with PTSD in March, and will finally be starting treatment soon. The treatment she will be doing is called EMDR, and supposedly works wonders with people in my wife's situation. I am very hopeful.

However, at least for the time being, I'm very VERY lonely. Even before she moved out, our relationship was taking blow after blow. She stopped telling me she loved me. Then, she even stopped saying "I love you, too." when I told her I loved her.

Any physical contact has been abruptly stopped, and almost immediately. I asked her the other day when I was dropping off our son if she would be comfortable with a hug. She said, "NO!!!"

I tried to take her hand to say grace the other day, and she pulled away from me.

When she moved out, I gave her a picture of our daughter, our son and one of us on our wedding day. When I was over there, the one of our son and daughter were setup, but not the one of us.

And, last but not least, her Facebook profile no longer says "Married to 'Angus McGee'". I asked her about that, and she told me it was due to Facebook's privacy settings. I'm not sure I'm buying that.

I'm sorry I cannot give you any advice, Greytowngal, but I can tell you that I know how you feel. She too is the love of my life. I miss her terribly. Some days, I just don't know if things will ever get better, even with her going in to therapy. I asked her if she would set coming home as a goal, and she told me "I can't even set the goal of what I am going to do for dinner tonight, much less something that far down the road."

Yet, here I sit. Waiting...