Relationship What's Wrong With Me

[Friday]

he literally said he couldn't be what I needed and then told me I better not be dating that it would really be over then and I'm sitting here like...what?

I've done this. Several times. Not saying it's what your vet is doing... But when I do it? Think hyper-literal.

It means I'm about to break all the agreements we've made. I know it, and I'm being up front about it, so my partner can choose whether or not they want to stay with me through it.

I can't be what you need... Changes depending on who I'm dating. But it's those agreements. It's not phoning, texting, getting together, spending time. It's throwing the mother of all temper tantrums 3x a day, being an asshole 24/7, it's... Doing things I've agreed not to, and not doing things I've agreed to do. It means I'm about to become reeeeeally f*cking erratic. And doing not just one thing, but dozens of things that are break-up worthy. And I'll also be perfectly normal. Ish. Maybe for 5 minutes, maybe for 5 days. But I'm going off the rails, off the Rez, and I can see it. So I'm warning my partner to get the f*ck out while they can, while there is still a possibility of an "us" after I'm done being a twat.

I'm trying to clear my back blast area, essentially. Protect the people I love best. And also protect myself, while I ease myself back into being capable of assuming the stresses and responsibilities of being around people I love.

I usually caveat the same way: If they want to wait for me to pull my head out of my ass? Awesome. But if they don't want to? Start dating other people, etc.? I'm done. It's hard enough to come back from being in the dark. Coming back from betrayal, as well? Not going to happen. So they can wait for me, or not, but there is no in between. Rather like being on deployment. f*cking around while I'm gone means we're through. Wait for me, don't wait for me, but don't betray me.

Again... This is just me & my head / my motivations and reasonings. Not trying to speak for your beau.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Thank you all for your input. I appreciate you all so much. I honestly dunno what I'm going to do right now. Hearing him say "I think about you many many many times during the day and I just make myself bury it" is really discouraging. I feel like I'm fighting an endless battle. If I'm doing my best to be good to him and he's "burying" me, not much I can do. However he text me this morning on his way to the firehouse which has always been one of our rituals. He wakes me up and I've always loved it but he text me and I began shaking instantly and he wanted to say "just shutup and leave me alone"...I hadn't even said anything. So I am going to leave Kentucky for the week on a trip and I'm going to just shutup and leave the man alone!

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Can't win for losing....more "I don't love you" texts..:(
I'm turning my phone off for the weekend.

 

[Saucey]

:hug:

@Thunderstorm - huge :hug:. I have been in that place. I've been told 'its over'. I'...

I'm new to this and my Vet suffers PTSD also and I'm laying here crying, because our wedding anniversary is May 25 we have been together over 2 1/2 yrs he's my soulmate! Every Memorial Day has been on our anniversary they were both horrible days with me triggering him. To read this and almost all the other posts shows me I'm not alone and my tears are of Joyful and God led me to this tonight, i was beginning to feel like it was all me and I've been going NUTS! Up until 6 weeks ago many stressors popped up in his life n mine. I was his calm, he is the most amazing man I've ever met one of a kind. He started distancing and isolating himself. Forgetting everything, more then normal, like he was in a fog, but to him everything was good. Drs had him on 3 anti depressants...he was treating me n talking to me in tones and whenever I'd voice my opinion about something n he didn't feel the same it triggered him. We always talked about everything he's my best friend but being at home n not working due to things out of his control he saw me as attacking him when I'd ask a question about his son or why don't u finish this project.. Many projects just left unfinished and things I needed help with around the house Never got done he always said I'll fix it tomorrow. I'm going to counseling myself and listening to things more closely becaz everything you all have said is what he tells me. We are taking a lil break I hope he is ready to come home but his fear is our once loving home has bad memories where the devil or his demons came out. He's starting a program and I'm trying to get in to a VA counselor for myself. Pray for us and Gods Will! You all are in my prayers tonight! God Bless!

 

[Changing4Best]

Sometimes we have feelings that we ourselves just cannot change. This can easily be something that happens to both men and women and especially to folks who are PTSD. I am a sufferer, but I imagine that supporters will have just as many funks in their own lives that we have in ours. Our ailments are often defined by PTSD and so maybe better understood than those of the supporters, but yours are no less daunting, I am sure! Give yourself some space and time, just as you would give him under such circumstances. I am praying for the both of you, I hope that is OK.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Thank you so much. Given all that's happened lately, our distance, our kids and his ptsd, it just seems rather hopeless. I am seriously considering giving up on this with him but thank you.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Well today I am THE greatest thing since sliced bread obviously. I felt myself crumbling lately. Like I'm drowning. Then here he comes professing I'm such a blessing to his life, he doesn't want anyone else, I have this "power" over him...He's driving 4 hours up here tomorrow night to spend 2 days with me to show me how much I mean to him. What the heck just happened? Wow what a mind spinning two weeks.

 

[Teasel]

Reading everything you've had to say about your relationship I've felt for you. Sounds like you've been giving and giving and giving and had not too much in return. Completely understandable why you'd think maybe ill give up on this now. Relate to that.
Each time I really think that's it I'm done - whether I say anything to him about it or not he senses it and suddenly shows an interest in contributing to the relationship..
For a while.
I think for me the big lesson is about me valuing me enough to think that having my needs met is utterly reasonable.
And instead of being really good at coping with his behaviour I become really good at not being prepared to do that x