What's Wrong With My Memory?

[Wen]

Hi. I was wondering if anyone has gone thru memory loss because of PTSD? It may not be real memory loss per-se, but more that I am now quickly and efficiently suppressing anything that will “trigger” me as a way to protect myself. The problem is it makes it very hard during therapy and trying to tell my counselor what’s going on. On top of that, during the session my memory is 100 times worse. To a point that I won’t remember why I’m talking about something, WHILE I’m talking about it! If someone throws me a few details of what was said, or what happened then I’ll remember. But to try on my own?... everything ends up fading more and getting scrambled. Is this also seen as dissociation?

Grant it I like that I’m suffering less anxiety attacks because of this, but I feel this isn't healthy as well. Shouldn't I be working out my feelings and facing the anxieties head on? Will suppressing/forgetting them hurt me more down the line if everything comes flooding back?

Here’s a scenario I’m currently dealing with. Last Friday I found out a good friend of mine was doing things and never told me. I found out threw someone else. It bothered me that he felt he couldn't tell me all week and when I asked him via text he initially said he didn't want to hurt me. It bothered me and I told him that so he changed it to “I was real busy cleaning, cooking. My wife and her friend were doing a liver cleanse. So I didn't have a chance”. Why a liver cleanse would keep him from contacting me…?... I chose not to go there, lol. Well because of things in my past, feeling placed very low on people’s priority list, this triggered me quite a bit. He apologized but I felt very hurt, anxiety built… well let’s just say most of Friday was NOT a good day. We were supposed to be close but he couldn't take 5 minutes to call me and tell me the news (I’m not quite comfortable sharing further details about this – sorry). Doing dishes was more important. It’s silly when typing this but it’s a big thing I've dealt with for years with partners so I’m pretty sensitive. I have abandonment issues big time. Not to mention I’m already hyper-sensitive to everything now. Well to make a long story short (too late), by Friday night everything was forgotten. All weekend I didn't think about it or have any feelings lingering about it. In fact it wasn't until he texted me this a.m. asking if we could do lunch that a small voice in my head asked “Aren't you mad at him?” I had to really think about it, and some of it is coming back (which allowed me to write about it), but I’m feeling very numb and distant, especially towards my friend. I can read thru the texts to remember more but I’m avoiding that.

Crazy but I feel like I’m wrapping my inner self in a warm soft blanket and hiding away. It’s nice in my little cocoon and I don’t want to come out and face the feelings. I feel like I’m emotionally running away and wonder if that’s a good thing or not? When I have an anxiety attack it’s bad and I can barely function. I hate them so much that maybe I’m doing this to myself now? I would love any input anyone could give. I have therapy tonight and will discuss this with my counselor, but would love to know your thoughts.

 

[Tinyflame]

Actually, interesting about the 'cocoon', never thought of it that way. I was going to say anxiety/ distraction/ overwhelm/ exhaustion but even I am having trouble remembering details of the post! :(

I must rush to work though. Just wanted to say I work much with people with dementia & Alzheimer's disease & though I've had virtually none in my family I see the similarities. Or rather, the same things help, especially as Alzheimer's- notes, reminders, phone calls, & would you believe- a sense of trust/ calmness/ no blame. I can only suggest- do those, for yourself. It's to the point I can barely remember as per (for) myself if I don't write it down or can re-read.

:hug:

 

[desiderata310]

This sounds a bit like me and my sessions right now and the time surrounding them. I try to write about what happens so I can keep up but the last few sessions I have been surprised when my therapist brings up something that I didn't know I had told him. It's scary. For instance he brought up that I was having trouble staying present at a meeting earlier last week and was dissociating badly. I have no memory of telling him about that and I have a hard time remembering what has happened in session and the day or so following.

It's a little frustrating for me because I can't follow the thread of what is going on but part of me doesn't care and like you put it, feel like I am hiding away in a cocoon.

Getting home and trying to write down what happened in therapy as quickly as possible has helped a tiny but but when we do EMDR I can't always do that- partly because of family obligations and partly because I am wiped out and partly because I have to be careful not to trigger myself (which I did yesterday while writing). It's helped a bit. I was able to at least look back over the past weekend and follow- roughly what happened but I still feel lost.

I also sent my very jumbled journal entry to my therapist and he said it was actually very helpful for him.

I don't know if this is dissociation or exhaustion or something else altogether.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

One word ....YES!

 

[Chava]

Just saying I relate to quite a bit of this and, while I'm not sure, trying to force yourself to feel more or stay more present might take you further into hiding. ?? My therapist doesn't really push me but I push myself too hard sometimes and it just gets crazy. Sometimes I get really spacey just when I think I'm about to make sense or fit something together. So for now, jst noticing that I'm sacey is pretty good and finding a way to return to present.

It feels like I'm only starting to understand a long pattern of how I relate to others (superficial connections that produce very few feelings at all, retreating more into my own world). I can't even explain any of it, but I'm sure I can't fix it as quickly as I'd like. I feel stuck often and simultaneously impatient to break out of my cocoon, or whatever it is, and also go deeper inside. Sorry I don't have an answer but I think I can feel some of your frustration.

Most of my crazy triggers relate to physical pain and feeling powerless, but I don't like how isolated I live...I simply avoid all those difficult feelings connected to trusting others and having relationships of much substance. When I do have a good friend and they move or something, it's like all good experience of that friendship is erased. I don't typically have feelings or miss them...like the friendship never happened. I'm a bit in touch with a friend who moved for work, and able to acknowledge I mss him...and I still think about him...so that's progress, I think. But in the past people were easily erased from my life, not in any dramatic fall-outs, but strangeness in my head.

I think your awareness sounds helpful...hopefully it's good talking through with your therapist too.

 

[Wen]

Thank you guys! I'm feeling far less alone with this mess and so glad people understand. I have a friend who always says "I understand, I know what you mean" yet he doesn't have PTSD. He just wants to say that thinking it will make me feel better. He hopes to develop something deeper then friendship which I don't want. He actually has triggered my anxieties many times so I've become very numb to him. Wonder why I'm still friends with him?

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy not remembering and feeling so far away. It just seems to be anything associated with my PTSD which is frustrating. How can I fix something I can't remember Then that other part of me is enjoying it in a weird way. The numbness keeps the frantic, chaotic, twitching anxiety away. Feeling cocooned really is the best analogy. I was warned if this went on too long that I can become numb and disassociate. Is that what really happened? Sorry I'm asking a lot of questions and babbling. The funny thing is, I ask these questions and instead of thinking about an answer, my mind instantly wanders off to something else and .... what was my question? Crap, now I have to reread this thing so I know what I was talking about and can state my conclusion. Well I guess the reality is; there is no conclusion... I'm just wandering off... again.

 

[Mystery]

Yes absolutely, all of the above. Especially in therapy or when I'm not in balance. I used to have a superturbocharged memory, now it's been in a smash up derby.

 

[Mercy]

I have memory problems too. I actually bought a pair of earrings that say, 'in one ear' and 'out the other'. Sometimes I would like to cacoon. It sounds peaceful in there. At times in therapy, I feel the need to curl up somewhere no one can find me. I live in a family so there is not much uninterrupted. I think of it as needing the time to consolidate what happened in therapy. Laying still and maybe half a sleep, lets the info sink in more deeply through layers I am not aware of.

I do think that using cacooning as an escape deliberately not to deal with issues at hand may make therapy longer. So what, if it takes longer. We all go at different paces. I have found writing myself notes is good, except when I forget what the end of the first sentence is supposed to be.

Maybe, cacooning is a self care time for you to be quiet and drifty sometimes. As a full time go to place out of which you live, may not be too good all the time. I am not a Therapist. Just some thoughts.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I have lost my short term memory and it's upsetting me to no end. Someone says something to me and I just "tune out" or don't listen to what they're saying but the fact is, I have memory loss. I don't know if this is part of my PTSD but my husband doesn't know how to deal with it. All he says is, "You don't listen." It's not that I don't really listen, it's just that I don't remember what they said and that bothers him to no end.

 

[Go Hungry]

It's not that I don't really listen, it's just that I don't remember what they said and that bothers him to no end.

This is so me. For decades. People can tell me something and it's just gone. Sometimes in mid-sentence I'll forgot what we're talking about. I'm afraid that it will get worse as time goes by. It seems the only things that really stick with me are terrible things, times I've embarrassed myself... From them there is little relief, unless I just distract myself with things that, like everything else, will immediately disappear from my memory. That's my version of the 'cocoon'... Back when I was younger I could remember everything. And I mean EVERYTHING... Now I'm lucky if I can remember whether I've taken my meds or not. Guess I need to get one of those little plastic boxes with the sections for pills. :p

 

[Wen]

You guys are awesome!! Thank you so much!!

 

[Mercy]

You made a good thread. It made me consider how I cope and when. Thanks