I am finding it very very hard to be intimate after some behaviours have surfaced. First, there was a post where my partner publicly asked for money because his life was terrible and his ptsd had ruined his finances, which was preventing him from going on a vacation . We are no where near financially unstable. Our home value is above the average, our incomes are double the median household income. It simply was not true, but more importantly, he made his life sound awful and like he has been robbed of every opportunity. There have been challenges, for sure. But, we have so much and not once have we had to consider where our meals were going to come from like many others do. It took me a couple weeks to come to terms with that and I just asked for time to deal with how it made me feel given I see our life as being so full and blessed. Finally, I come around to understanding his feelings don't mean he does not love me but that in a moment he was feeling down and acted impulsively. We went away for a night, had a beautiful evening and reconnected. I woke up in the morning and through casual pillow talk uncovered a lie, I became very upset and asked if there were other lies and found out there was. One of them was that he had looked at pornography and didn't tell me, which has been an absolute no in our relationship contract. This was a behaviour used for dissociation for much of his life. Along with his therapists, we have agreed it cannot exist. A side from that, it is incredibly damaging to me as a partner. He is adamant it isn't about sex, just about escaping and that he didn't tell me because it was brief and he quickly changed his mind and shut it down. I can't shake my feelings.
My philosophy on intimacy is that if you are in a loving and trusting place, there are few limits on what to share. It is a pretty open and giving place.....but....it has to be cared for carefully and trust and totally faithfulness is needed for it to flourish. Porn for me is being unfaithful....so I am really hurt over this.
It has been 4 weeks and these events are still blocking me from being intimate. This of course has a domino effect on other ptsd issues and I could type all day on what those conversations look like, but I think if you live in this kind of relationship you already know.
My question is, one, what is in your relationship contract (written or unwritten) that you both know is an absolute NO. I read one post where it was physical abuse. We don't face that so it's not even on the grid for us. But, what is it for you AND what do you do if it is breached? Finally, does anyone else struggle to be intimate following behaviours that undermine the value of the relationship? Thanks for all your replies.
My philosophy on intimacy is that if you are in a loving and trusting place, there are few limits on what to share. It is a pretty open and giving place.....but....it has to be cared for carefully and trust and totally faithfulness is needed for it to flourish. Porn for me is being unfaithful....so I am really hurt over this.
It has been 4 weeks and these events are still blocking me from being intimate. This of course has a domino effect on other ptsd issues and I could type all day on what those conversations look like, but I think if you live in this kind of relationship you already know.
My question is, one, what is in your relationship contract (written or unwritten) that you both know is an absolute NO. I read one post where it was physical abuse. We don't face that so it's not even on the grid for us. But, what is it for you AND what do you do if it is breached? Finally, does anyone else struggle to be intimate following behaviours that undermine the value of the relationship? Thanks for all your replies.
