Why is this change in behaviour after moving to another city

[Nairobi]

My friend with PTSD was living in my flat during around one year, after he lost his job and has economic problems. We were good friends before sharing the flat, and I was in love with him but he told me that he was not able to have any kind of relationship with anybody.
This year sharing the flat has been extremely hard for me, because he was not able to speak with me. He was able to speak with his friends that were living far away by phone (he was able to speak to people in person but not to make friends and real connections), and I was hurt because I didnt understand why he suddenly didnt speak to me after moving to my house. After reading the forum I understood that maybe the reason was that I was the closest person to him. After reading a lot here, I was able to understand him a little more and make small advances, for example we were able to make small things togethers like watching a TV program in the living room, of course in complete silence. And he made small acts of service like buying me my favourite food.

Several weeks ago he found a job in a city that is in the other part of my country. The connection with my city is very bad, a travel of around 9 hours. So I told him that I was feeling a little sad because maybe I was not going to see him again, but he told me that he would visit me and that he want also my visit. So I was happy about that because he usually blocks people or friend without any reason, and I was afraid that after all the problems that we had sharing the flat, maybe he blocked me on the phone and was never going to see him again

Since the moment that he knew that he was moving for working in another city, he changed a lot. Suddenly he was able to speak to me a lot, and he was able to share his plans with me. Before, he was not able to tell me anything about his life, even with stupid lies (for example he was going out, with a bag with the towel and the swimsuit, clearly going to the swimming pool, but he said that he was going to the library). Now, he was able to speak a lot, and even told me about the swimming pool, without any question by myself.

He finally moved. Now my life is better because I was suffering a lot in my house with the situation. But for me is very difficult to close. I mean, I still have feelings for him. Maybe is stupid, but I think that maybe now, with a job and a decrese in his stress levels, maybe he is able now to have a relationship. I also think that maybe a distance relationship can be an option for him because he has problems when people is too close, and also for me because I travel and work a lot and I dont have many time for partners, and this has been a problem with my previous relationships

So I tried to be in contact, to see was happen. I was thinking that maybe he would not answer my messages and will block me, but surprisingly, since he moved, we spend around two or three hours per week speaking on the phone, that is much more time that all our conversations since october to january (he was able to be a whole week with any word). He has told me a lot about his new city, his new job, and his new daily activities. He has told me his new address

So I was very happy and thinking that maybe it can be again like before moving togethers, and I suggest him to visit him in around one month. He told me several excuses, like my sofa is very unconfortable and the hotels of the village are full (but I have seen in booking and is not true). So, I dont know what to think. Maybe it was too early and I should wait a little more to suggest a visit

Why is he able to speak with me again since he know that he was moving to another place?
Why he looks very close to me by phone, he is sharing a lot, but he doesnt want my visit? (he was the one that told me about visits several weeks ago).

Thank you to all of you. Our situation sharing the flat was very bad, and because of your advices, we were able to "survive" and finish that period of our lives like friends.

 

[Friday]

The etimology/origin of words? Can be reeeeeally fascinating.

For example? MOST PEOPLE HATE travel.

That makes almost zero sense to me (only almost, as I’ve met/experienced sooooo many people who suck at it, & are actively painful to be around; being around people who hate something, otoh? Provides clarity. Oh. Yes. If they HATE abc/xyz, this explains the horrendous experience of being around THEM. Whilst they’re hating it. Whether they’re whingers, or ragers, martyrs, or wilting. They’re almost as miserable to experience as they themselves are experiencing. Okay.).

Travel
Trevaho / trabajar / trabajo / trabaja (Spanish) = work / your job
Travail (English) = painful or laborious effort
Travailen (Middle English) = toil, labor, strive, journey
Trepliare (Latin) = Torture, to inflict suffering or agony.

So the word origin thing becomes INTERESTING to me, because? I GREW UP travelling. I love/adore travelling feel a shadow of myself/am f*cking miserable whenever I get “stuck” anywhere. It’s gross, painful, stressful -to me- being in the same place. I HATE it. It’s HARD. It’s stressful as f*ck. Meanwhile travel? Is home/bliss/right. But for most people? Travel, travail, tourture… makes sense.

For MOST PEOPLE? Travel is incredibly stressful.
Stress + PTSD = Bad

 

[Nairobi]

So the word origin thing becomes INTERESTING to me, because? I GREW UP travelling. I love/adore travelling feel a shadow of myself/am f*cking miserable whenever I get “stuck” anywhere. It’s gross, painful, stressful -to me- being in the same place. I HATE it. It’s HARD. It’s stressful as f*ck. Meanwhile travel? Is home/bliss/right. But for most people? Travel, travail, tourture… makes sense.

For MOST PEOPLE? Travel is incredibly stressful.
Stress + PTSD = Bad

@Friday , this makes a lot of sense
He has spent several months without speaking and his face was showing a lot of stress. He was trying to find a job, but he was aplying only to jobs that were far away of our city. Not in my city. He has changed his city a lot of times in his life. Sometimes he looked like "trapped" in my house
And suddenly he finds a new job, in a new city, and everything changes. I tend to take everything personally, so I was thinking, maybe he is so stressful at home because he is sharing the flat with me and he has a lot of pressure to spend time with me and that makes him feel bad, and maybe he has changed because he is so happy that he is free "about me", he wont have to see me again, he wont have to feel my pressure of spend time togethers, and he will block me in the moment that he is out of my house
So I didnt understood when he told me that he wanted to visit me (why do you want to visit me if you have spend one year in the room next to me without speaking to me?) and I didnt understood why he suddenly began to trust on me again and speak about his plans, and he is still in contact with me.

Maybe the problem when we were sharing the house was nothing about me. Maybe the problem was that he was feeling so stressful because he was feeling trapped (and he also had a lot of problems). And now, he feels free again, because he has a nice job, he has been able to choose a nice flat for renting without flatmates, he has independence, new people that doesnt know about his communication problems, and nobody pressuring him to spend time togethers.

Maybe I asked about the visit too early, maybe I should continue speaking to him by phone and improving the friendship, and later try again the suggest the visit, I dont know

 

[nursenurse]

Maybe you wanted more in this relationship than he was willing to give. The distance puts you more in the friend zone than a partner zone. It may not be trauma based at all. Could be he isn’t the “one”for you/ you aren't the “one” for him. Even without PTSD his life was upended, not having a job, not having money, forced to rely on the kindness of others, giving up his independence, all extremely stressful. We have a certain amount of pride that tells us we do not want to rely on anyone. It seems to me he tried to keep his room mate status, which is a business arrangement, rather than a partner or even really good friend status, while he was in your flat. Let him settle, keep in touch without being obsessive. If he keeps making excuses, you have your answer. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or did anything wrong. You had different wants and expectations right from the beginning that did not mesh with his. And that is okay. Learn and grow.

 

[Nairobi]

Maybe you wanted more in this relationship than he was willing to give. The distance puts you more in the friend zone than a partner zone. It may not be trauma based at all. Could be he isn’t the “one”for you/ you aren't the “one” for him. Even without PTSD his life was upended, not having a job, not having money, forced to rely on the kindness of others, giving up his independence, all extremely stressful. We have a certain amount of pride that tells us we do not want to rely on anyone. It seems to me he tried to keep his room mate status, which is a business arrangement, rather than a partner or even really good friend status, while he was in your flat. Let him settle, keep in touch without being obsessive. If he keeps making excuses, you have your answer. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or did anything wrong. You had different wants and expectations right from the beginning that did not mesh with his. And that is okay. Learn and grow.

@nursenurse , you have reason. Maybe I am not the one and that is all.
This has been a very hard year for me, and I have made a huge effort to maintain our friendship with all our communication problems. So for me is very difficult to close and just accept that the good times will never come back, that he has gone, and giving up. I know I have to do it, but it is sooo difficult for me

I want to be positive. Thank you to this forum, I was able to understand him a little, and I was able to not taking his silence personally, and finally we have finished this period as friends. I dont have the relationship that I wanted, but I still have a friend that is on the phone. And with him, this is a lot (I know he has blocked and stop commmunication with all the few friends that he made in my city without any reason)
Thank you to all of you for your advices

 

[Annie1123]

I am happy to hear that your friend got a job and moved out, and you got some relief from living with such a difficult and painful situation every time you were at home. And I am happy to hear that he feels more able to communicate with you now (and communicate more honestly). From what you have described, it sounds like this person likely values your friendship. It also sounds like he is not going to step up into being in a romantic relationship because (1) he said he doesn't believe he can be in a relationship, which indicates a lack of commitment (believe me, I used to think "oh, he's just not believing in himself!" when my own partner would do that, but you would need to ask some follow-up questions to be sure about that, because that kind of statement typically should be taken as a sign that they are not going to make a commitment), (2) he moved so far away, and (3) he is making excuses not to visit.

You have the right to take some time to figure out what it is that YOU want. Do you want to remain friends now that the friendship part is going better? In that case, it would be helpful to let go of at least telling yourself that anything is going to change in the relationship department (sure, it might change in the future, but don't EXPECT that to happen unless it is ACTUALLY HAPPENING). A long-distance relationship with someone who is not saying or showing that he wants to make the type of commitment that you want to make is what Dr. Shefali describes as "a long heartbreak, disguised as hope." Friendship might work! But you also might want to make some space in your life for time with OTHER friends and time spent doing things that make you happy.

This is very similar to the relationship I have been in for several years now. I have referred to this person as my partner to myself and others, but after 6 years of dating, I am finally realizing that he has NEVER fully committed to stepping into the role of "partner" or "boyfriend." He's always skirted around the edges, but we have definitely been real FRIENDS during this whole time. I suspect it mostly has to do with his PTSD/cPTSD but he also doesn't talk freely about it, and I'm DONE trying to read his mind! I do know that he strongly resists ANY discussions that have to do with our relationship, which is also not conducive to a healthy relationship, and with real love you don't have to chase, you don't have to force it to happen (although sometimes you have to put your foot down and say what works and what doesn't work for you; what you will accept and what you will not accept because you have to respect yourself; figure out what your boundaries are in a healthy relationship!).

In my case, there hasn't been any lasting change over the past 6 years - by which I mean: none of those "positive signs" have ever turned into a "real relationship." He still has a lot of difficulty talking about it, he still hides behind mixed messages, I still get very inconsistent communication and participation from him, I still get extreme pushback most of the time when I bring up wanting to discuss anything regarding our relationship (unless I simply take the initiative and SAY what I want to say when we are either on the phone or in person). I know I DESERVE an answer to "what are we doing here? are we friends or are we a couple or what? I can't live in limbo anymore because it is not being respectful to my SELF!" But because I can't control another person, I can't force him to answer that question. What I CAN control is whether I ask the question to him and state clearly what my boundaries are in relationships. And then I can ask follow up questions in that same moment, and then take some space to make a decision that works for me.

So, I have stepped back to get some perspective and I see that his ability to participate even in our friendship is very limited at times, and at other times he is able to participate. I know that our friendship is real. But without actual non-confusing words and commitment from him, I know it is NOT actually a committed romantic relationship (at this time), which is sad. But, I don't think I'm going to keep hoping for it, because I deserve better than that! You deserve someone who says "HECK YES!" to being with you, and who says "HECK YES!" to making a commitment that is unambiguous. Yes, even someone who says "HECK YES!" to visiting you, or who is actually being honest about why he can't (for example, I want to visit my childhood friend in California this year, but I know I won't have money to pay for the trip until I secure a better job). There is so much MORE you can do and enjoy when you are with someone who gives you clear messages, and you can spend SO LONG continuing to hope and being miserable in the meantime.

One thing you can do to help yourself to get to a decision that is healthy for you is to be direct and say something like: "It seems like we are friends and I appreciate that; and I am also interested in being a couple together. But, I need to know if this is something you also want, and I can't keep waiting on hold with mixed messages." If he says "let's be friends," then it's friends, and I am sorry :( But it's better to know than to be wondering forever. If he says "I don't know if I can be in a relationship with anyone," then either ask questions for clarification or else take it as a "no." If he hems and haws and says something like "well, I think we're MORE than friends" but he is also not willing to make a commitment to you, then RUN FOR THE HILLS! Because that will be the absolute MOST PAINFUL situation if you decide to accept that degree of non-commitment. Just be clear with him: "It sounds like you are unsure about whether you want to be in a relationship with me or not. I am going to take a step way back for now, and you reach out when you have had time to think about it and have a real answer for me." And then just walk away from it. He may come back with an answer, but don't expect one. That amount of uncertainty and mixed signals is a recipe to keep you addicted to the relationship and addicted to hope and also keep you miserable.

But YOU get to make that decision for yourself (whether to be friends, explore getting the therapeutic support you would need to be able to enter into a relationship, to say "sorry that doesn't work for me" or say "let's just be friends" or even say "I would like to keep this friendship, but I may need to take a break for a while to see if it is possible to be friends or if it will just feel too painful because I actually want more.") Make sure that YOU are being treated with the respect that you DESERVE. What do YOU want for yourself? What would a friend or family member say if you shared with them what the situation is right now? I am lucky that I had a different friend who told me "I WANT BETTER FOR YOU!" That planted the seed for me to want better for myself, too. Because I DON'T actually want to be obsessing over this relationship and feeling miserable about it the majority of the time! With my friend (who I had been thinking of as my partner for the last 6 years) I am taking the position of: "I am considering this guy to be only a friend (close friend or even flaky friend) at this point, because he has not made a clear commitment to being in a relationship with me, he continues to give mixed messages, continues to block our ability to talk openly about it, etc. etc. So, I am not going to give him that level of access to me and my heart (at this time), until he shows me that he is actually someone I can trust with that.

Also, consider trying a Codependents Anonymous group. Coda.org. They have groups in many different countries and virtual groups as well. Whenever I find that I am hyper-focused on the "relationship" or on my friend and what changes I wish he would make so that we could have a "real" relationship, I realize that it is time for me to return to my CoDA materials and my CoDA support group, because it is a sign that I am abandoning myself for somebody else. I am acting like I don't need to be treated with respect, just because I'm trying to "get love" from this person who showed it to me at one point, but isn't consistent about it anymore. I'm realizing that, although I'd love it if he started to make a commitment to change and wanted to make a commitment to me, I don't need his love to be able to breathe and live my life. I've just tricked myself into thinking that.