Relationship UPDATED - My friend doesnt speak to me

[Nairobi]

I have a friend with PTSD. Sorry if this is very long but I wanted to explain it well.

He moved to my city three years ago for a job. We became good friends. We used to hang out several times per week, usually spending time at home. Sometimes he “disappeared” and didn’t answer messages, during one or two weeks, and later he appeared again at home like if nothing happened. I fell in love with him. He was flirty with me sometimes, so I told him my feelings. He told me that he had feelings for me but that he had PTSD and that he was not able to have a relationship in that moment. So I had the hope that maybe it would be possible in the future. After the feelings conversation he disappeared one month but later he came back.

Several months later I asked again about having a relationship (to know if he was better for a relationship) and then he told me that he was not able to feel anything for anybody and that he wanted only to be friends. I accepted that.

Then he lost the job. He became a little more distant and didn’t want to hang out. I am not sure if this change was because of the full stress cup for the job or because my question about feelings and relationships (he is stressfull about feelings conversations).

He had severe money problems and was not able to pay a rent so I invited him to share my flat, like just friends, several months ago. I was thinking that it would be very nice to share a flat with my friend and spend more time with him, but I was wrong

When we began to share a flat he was like another person. Before sharing flat, when he came home to hang out, he was very funny, and was laughing and speaking during hours. But now that was living at home like a roommate, he didn’t want to speak, or spend time with me. He spend most of the time in his room, door always close.

He told me that he need space and to be in silence, that is nothing personal about me. He had a lot of problems so I understood and gave him space.

The problem is; I am ok with giving him space if he need space, but for me is very hard when I listen to him speaking with his online friends (they are friends for his childhood, they live very far away and he never visit them. I am the only “physical” friend in this city). Is hard because he laugh and speak a lot, the same that he was when he came to my house to visit me. So is very difficult to not taking it personally and it gives me a lot of stress. I miss my friend and I don’t understand why he can not laugh and speak with me. One day we hung out with some people from his previous job, and he was funny and making jokes with them, but in the moment they went out and we came back home, again in complete silence with me.

So at the beginning I asked him for explanations about this and ask him to spend more time with me like friends, but it was not useful. He said the I was his best friend, and that he would like to spend more time with me, but that he just can’t, and later he became even more distant.

I travel a lot for work, so he spend a lot of time alone. Last time I came back home he was more like my friend, he spoke to me a lot, we were cooking things together, we watched a movie, he was doing service acts like repairing my things, and I was very happy. But I travelled again and when I came back two weeks later, again the silence without any explanation. Today I entered in the living room, he was in the sofa, and he “scape” to his room and this was very sad for me.

I don’t know what to do. The situation is stressful for me, when he speak to others but not to me, but I don’t want to put him out of home because he has no money and any place to go. I would like to make friend things like before but I feel like if I am disturbing him when I propose plans, and that is hurtful for me. I don’t know if try to speak with him about how lonely I feel (but I am afraid about he running away because the stress of speak about feelings), I don’t know if just ignore him and be inside my room like if he doesn’t exit, or what to do.

What I am doing now is to spend a lot of time with other friends to feel beloved, I am also in therapy (he is not, I suggested but he doesn’t want), and I go to the living room and make things, without putting pressure at him about spending time togethers, and just wait until he began to speak to me. Sometimes it works, he “come back” and we speak and have a nice time, but most of times I am there just alone, listening how he is able to speak normally with other people online, and I just feel stupid. Because a part of me is thinking that my friend is still there, that he really appreciates me, but he is in a bad moment and need space, and maybe he is not able to speak with me because I am the closest person. But another part of me is thinking that maybe he is only a jerk that hates me and that is only interested in my free house and not in my friendship

Thank you for reading, I am suffering a lot, I can not speak about this with my friends because they think he is a jerk for not being very grateful for my help and be more nice with me. I just needed to vent.

 

[Friday]

I was thinking that it would be very nice to share a flat with my friend and spend more time with him, but I was wrong

When we began to share a flat he was like another person. Before sharing flat, when he came home to hang out, he was very funny, and was laughing and speaking during hours. But now that was living at home like a roommate, he didn’t want to speak, or spend time with me. He spend most of the time in his room, door always close.

The problem is; I am ok with giving him space if he need space, but for me is very hard when I listen to him speaking with his online friends (they are friends for his childhood, they live very far away and he never visit them. I am the only “physical” friend in this city). Is hard because he laugh and speak a lot, the same that he was when he came to my house to visit me. So is very difficult to not taking it personally and it gives me a lot of stress. I miss my friend and I don’t understand why he can not laugh and speak with me.

Before he moved in with you he had his “game face on”, when he was with you, the same way he stores up energy (isolating at home) to put his “game face on” for his friends/family.

It’s the same thing you do for work, even when you don’t want to; or when you’re sick and can plaster a happy/normal face on for the delivery guy bringing you food… all 2 minutes of it… before shutting the door and groaning your way to faceplant on the couch/bed. The difference being when you’re sick? You can only manage a few minutes max before sick&miserable overwhelms you, meanwhile at work you can probably go all day, almost every day, without losing your composure or your professionalism. But on a bad day? You might have to check yourself a few times, take a break, splash water on your face, go for a walk… or risk losing control.

It’s not that one is real, and the other fake. They’re both/all really YOU (you at work, you at home, you out with friends, you in with friends, you sick, etc.), but they take different levels of energy to apply.

PTSD often means that someone has to use the same amount of energy to appear pleasant/interested/happy/engaged… as you do when you’re really, really sick… and just want to curl up in bed and be left alone.

AKA It’s NOT you. It really, really, is him.

If he ever gets into a relationship/married he’ll have to learn how to spend some of that saved energy at home, with the people he lives with, even when he’s feeling terrible. Not just save it up for work & friends away from home. But, as he’s said? And is clearly very right about? He can’t be in a relationship, right now.

 

[Nairobi]

Before he moved in with you he had his “game face on”, when he was with you, the same way he stores up energy (isolating at home) to put his “game face on” for his friends/family.

Yes Is like this! he has like a mask, when he is with other people, and when they dissapear and is alone with me , his face changes completely in a second to "non talkative mode"

Any advice for the isolation at home? Sometimes I have more mental energy and I am just doing my things in the common areas , without pressure to him, and if he want to join is ok, and if he prefer to be isolated in his room , also ok. But sometimes, mainly when he is completely isolated for several consecutive days, I have less mental energy and I become stressful with the isolation because I feel that I am "disturbing" him with my presence. And sometimes when he runs away to his room because I enter in the living room, I feel hurt and I also isolate in my room. When I do this is like a stress spiralling, because he avoids me, I feel hurt and stressed, I avoid him for not disturbing, and he feels bad because I am avoiding him and he feels that I am not confortable in my own house. And we can not speak about this to put rules because he becomes stressful with this kind of conversations so I dont know very well how to deal with it

 

[Friday]

But sometimes, mainly when he is completely isolated for several consecutive days, I have less mental energy and I become stressful with the isolation because I feel that I am "disturbing" him with my presence.

Personally? If I wanted him to continue living there? (And asking him to move out is a valid option! This is your flat.) I would have to counter this reaction. The MOMENT I started to shut-down, feel like I’m disturbing, am walking on eggshells in my own home? I’d put on some music. Not headphones. Just some light background music. Something that tells me it’s okay to be me, being home, doing my thing. No need to tiptoe. No need to keep an ear out. He’s already gone to his room. He can put on headphones, or go to the library/gym/cafe/whatever if he needs more whatever.

Whether it’s music, tv, doing the dishes, taking a shower, getting on the treadmill… whatever.. do SOMETHING to shake off the “disturbing” and reassert the happy-normal-recharging-at-home.

If I can’t? Then I really do need to ask them to go.

 

[abovedown]

Does your friend have plans to get help for his pstd and/or apply for a new work? Because as you described your situation, it does not sound sustainable in the long run. It's already worrying that you are constantly walking on eggshells in your own home because of him. And long periods of self-isolating is not helping him either. We all need space of course but this level of withdrawal for everyday activities is probably just making him feel worse.

@Nairobi Do you have anyone you can talk about (friend etc.) this situation, your thoughts and feelings regarding it?

 

[Nairobi]

Does your friend have plans to get help for his pstd and/or apply for a new work? Because as you described your situation, it does not sound sustainable in the long run. It's already worrying that you are constantly walking on eggshells in your own home because of him. And long periods of self-isolating is not helping him either. We all need space of course but this level of withdrawal for everyday activities is probably just making him feel worse.

@Nairobi Do you have anyone you can talk about (friend etc.) this situation, your thoughts and feelings regarding it?

@abovedown I have suggested him several times to go to therapy but he is not. I go to therapy since several years because of anxiety problems. He has trust problems and is extremely difficult for him to speak about his problems. So I think he is not able to speak with a therapist. For example, two months ago his uncle died. I was not at home, I was travelling, and he stopped communication with me and was not answering any message during one week. I had read in this forum that it would be better to not push him so I didnt put any pressure to answer messages. One day suddenly he opened to me in a message and told me please forgive me because I dont answer, it is not about you, but "one person of my family" died and I am having a bad time and I am not able to communicate. I found out that it was his uncle one month later. He told me that he didnt speak about this with his online friends, only with me.

He is applying for a new job and he is trying to find one. Sometimes he gets one or two days jobs so he can earn some money, but not enough to rent his own flat.

I speak about my feelings and thoughts with my therapist but I have a session per month, so sometimes I dont have anybody to vent. Sometimes I had vent with friends but I think is not a good idea because they think he is only a jerk that should be very grateful to me and would make an affort to speak to me, and they put pressure on my to ask him to move out. I really think that sometimes he doesnt speak because he CAN,T. I would like to be his friend and support him. Sometimes he is able to communicate, we can speak during several hours, he does nice things for me like cook for me, make me small presents, and other small services, and I feel very happy and have hope that things improve and my friend "come back", but then suddenly he shuts down with any reason (probably there is a reason, but I dont know because he doesnt speak about his problems) so I feel hopeless again and walking on egg shells in my own house

When I feel alone and hopeless I read this forum and it has been very supportive for me . I have read during several weeks all the 250 pages of threads, and I was feeling that I was not alone and that someone understood me. I didnt post before because I didnt have the energy to do it and because I was afraid that my questions and doubts were stupid, so thank so much for answering me

 

[Movingforward10]

my friends because they think he is a jerk for not being very grateful for my help and be more nice with me. I

I'm with your friends, as he is. As hard as what he is going through is: he could have said no to moving in as he knew what he would need to do (isolate a lot) and that this would impact the friendship with you (by the way, if you are still in love with him, this might be an emotional relationship you are in and I wonder how healthy that is for you).
Or, if he is living with you, he could help explain things more.

Do you want to live with him?
If so why?
What are you getting out of this?

He is an adult, and perhaps to save your friendship he needs to move out?
Or he needs to find a way to make life better for himself and go to therapy (which is likely to make things worse before it gets better, and is a long process).
Either way: what do YOU want from a flatmate and in your home.

 

[Nairobi]

I'm with your friends, as he is. As hard as what he is going through is: he could have said no to moving in as he knew what he would need to do (isolate a lot) and that this would impact the friendship with you (by the way, if you are still in love with him, this might be an emotional relationship you are in and I wonder how healthy that is for you).
Or, if he is living with you, he could help explain things more.

Do you want to live with him?
If so why?
What are you getting out of this?

He is an adult, and perhaps to save your friendship he needs to move out?
Or he needs to find a way to make life better for himself and go to therapy (which is likely to make things worse before it gets better, and is a long process).
Either way: what do YOU want from a flatmate and in your home.

Before moving with me, he told me that he would need a lot of space and time alone. I said that it was not a problem to me. It was my fault, I didn,t imagine something like this. He was very talkative with me when he was visiting me at home (the "game face on" that @Friday has explain to me) so I didnt imagine the shut down and not speaking to me
I know that a relationship is not possible and I am accepting this and I am trying to "delete" my feelings for him, but I still have a little feelings and that is a problem because I think that it makes me overreact and feel more hurt when he is not talkative and ignores me at home or run away from me.

Do you want to live with him? When he is able to speak and acts "normal", I like to share the flat with him. When he run away from me and is talkative with others but not with me, I dont want to live with him, I would like to be like the online friends that are not living with him and with whom he has energy to speak.

Why? I dont ask him to move out because he has any place to go and I feel like I am betraying him. Last year, before moving to my house, I had a big problem in my life, and he was very supportive to me and helped me a lot. So now, I want to be supportive with him. Another reason is that I still think that maybe if I understand him better and I am not so hurt when he isolates from me, maybe I could deal with it and enjoy the moments that he is not isolating. Maybe this is stupid and not reallistic.

Perhaps to save your friendship he needs to move out? I think yes, maybe it could be again like before, and came to visit me when he had enough energy to be talkative and friendly. But until he finds a job, to rent a flat is a problem for him

What do you want from a flatmate? I dont like to be like in a hostel with unknow people. That is because I was not sharing the flat with anybody before. I wanted to share the flat with him because he was my friend, to have someone to share what about my day, to have someone to share happy days and have a little emotional support in the bad days.

 

[abovedown]

What do you want from a flatmate? I dont like to be like in a hostel with unknow people. That is because I was not sharing the flat with anybody before. I wanted to share the flat with him because he was my friend, to have someone to share what about my day, to have someone to share happy days and have a little emotional support in the bad days.

I think you are starting to process your emotions really well! And while everyone needs their space maybe saying 'good morning', ' good night' or 'how was your day?' isn't unrealistically for flatmates (who are already friends) to say to each other. Amd not just run away to one's room when seeing your flatmate. At least for myself when I got stuck with my doom-thinking, simple everyday social interactions help me to get more in touch with the presenr moment. It's a good thing he is applying for jobs :). In someways you both seem like to be a bit stuck with the current living-situation.

 

[Nairobi]

Whether it’s music, tv, doing the dishes, taking a shower, getting on the treadmill… whatever.. do SOMETHING to shake off the “disturbing” and reassert the happy-normal-recharging-at-hoME

Thank you so much for your advices. These days when I had that feeling of "being disturbing" I have tried to follow the advice and counter it and I put rock music in the living room without the headphones and made things in my computer. It was really useful, because the music made me feel happier and finally I even danced alone in the living room. He was still isolating, it didnt change, but I didnt feel so stressful about that and I could deal with it much better.
I think he also noticed that I was not so stressful because of the isolation, and he relaxed and opened a little. He was able to tell me that his sister, who lives in another country, is very ill and he doesnt know is she will recover or not. He usually doesnt speak about any problem. And later again the silence. This time the isolation is bigger because I dont listen to him speaking with the online friends like usually.
Yesterday he didnt speak to me but he bought my favourite cake and left it in the kitchen. And when I arrived home, he went out of his room, prepared the lunch for me in silence, he told me "you can eat if you want" and scaped again to his room. I felt that althought he is not able to speak to me or anybody, he is trying to do something nice for me. Maybe is a little thing but maybe is a big effort for him, I dont know. So I feel a little better.
Today I am travelling again and I will come back next week, I hope his sister is better and he can be more relaxed

 

[Nairobi]

I want to make an update, and ask for advice
My friend is dealing with several problems and I think actually his stress cup is completely overfloading. He spend almost all time in his room in silence and when he goes out has a very bad face. Sometimes he speak with his online friends. I dont know what they are speaking about but he is able to speak with them in a normal voice and with "complete sentences". With me he usually is only able to speak with Yes or No or very short sentences and always with a stressful voice.
My brother has a newborn baby and I am helping him with his other children so when I am in my city I spend a lot of time out of my house. And I also work out of the city many days, so he is alone at home most of time.
I had several days ago a conversation with my friend. I told him that for me it was very difficult to share a flat with him without any social interaction, and I explained him that I was suffering because I was making an effort to help him, but I was sad, feeling that I had lost my friend. He told me that it was difficult for him, but he wanted to be my friend because I am important for him. We were thinking and finally we made a deal. Every wednesday we would make an activity togethers, to try to connect again like friends.
Last wednesday was the first "friend day". we saw a movie at home. We choose the movie because is a friend activity that doesnt need a lot of contact or conversation. It was unreallistic to go to a bar full of people or something like that.
I think he really made an effort to make me happy with that. He cleaned the living room, he bought food, he cooked the food to see during the movie, but when he was preparing the table, I noticed that his hands and feet where like shaking. He had a very stressfull face. I ask him if he was feeling ok and told him that if he was not feeling ok he didnt have to do it. But he insisted he wanted to do it, that it would be nice.
He was all the movie in silence, and he didnt pay attention to the movie. When the movie finished, he came back to his room without a word, and 5 minutes later he was speaking with his online friends as usual
I dont really know how I feel about that.
On the one hand, I am happy to know that he is making an effort for me, and that he is trying. It makes me feel like I am important to him and gives me hope that things can get better in the future if we work on it. But on the other hand it hurts me to see how he is totally unable to connect with me and only 5 minutes later he can connect with other people. I know it's different, it's not the same energy online as in person, but it hurts. It is very difficult not to take it personally
He clearly didn't enjoy the movie, it was stressful for him. So I don't know what I should do. It's the only interaction we have, so I think it's positive for him to have some in-person interaction with someone, even if it takes effort for him. I have the hope that maybe we can finally reconnect again. But on the other hand I felt like I was torturing him, I don't know if I should just give up, stop trying to connect with him, and live like I have a ghost in the house and that's that.

Thank you for reading