Death My friend died

[Friday]

Cos people ask "were you close?" N yes. But also no. Its been years n we kept in touch but closeness? I dunno. Its complicated. But I cant say that.

Hear that… instead as… Are you hurting?

Finding out someone you only met once, 20 years ago, died… can gut you. Someone you’ve seen everyday for 20 years not even flick a ripple.

It’s a cultural “get out of jail free” card, asking if you were close… rather than asking if you’re in pain, or conflicted, or tied up in knots, or numb, or confused, or, or, or… any of the other super common heavy complicated “rude” questions to ask someone you you don’t want to hurt on accident. Whether you’re a stranger, or friend, or everything in between.

I’m sorry you feel alone. I’m sorry you lost someone with so much meaning tying you together. I am blissfully certain that even if you took up arson as a coping mechanism? You’d kick ass at it.

 

[Chris-duck]

Thanks guys.

Appreciate all your replies. I really dont have much shit to say. Im pretty brain dead rn. I get so frustrated because i alternate between totally numb (like rn), angry af, and just alone where i wanna ask shit that only she can answer n other folks can have opinions but they dont mean anything to me. And all that combined is just like "I wanna talk.. Just not to any of you" which is obviously rude. And it didnt even occur to me to blame myself (weird right?) til my brain learned that was on option (nobody's fault.. its been my default for years) n now im even more frustrated cos i know im being crazy when my brain is like "if you had just.." or whatever. I dont even fr believe it. Its just like my brain is like "oh yeh. I remember that loop. Lets play that track"

Which was very unexpected. I thought going through trauma is about as bad as it gets, so hey, when grief comes, I'll be able to cope, cos I've got all that trauma coping muscle built up. But no...

I think for me the difference in my dumbass brain (im not saying its logical) is that acute trauma ends at some point. Or you die i guess so either way. Im like wow ok guess this is my life now. Which is super extra cos yknow its been 2 weeks and its not rational to be like omg this is forever. But i am away from trauma n she will always be dead so logic twist to fit my own crazy narrative i guess.

I am blissfully certain that even if you took up arson as a coping mechanism? You’d kick ass at it.

Haha. That is probably one of the oddest most specific compliments ive had in a while. Thanks.

 

[Movingforward10]

my brain is like "if you had just.."

Does it help to remember that bargaining is part of the stages of grief?

 

[Chris-duck]

Does it help to remember that bargaining is part of the stages of grief?

When i initially read this i was admittedly a bit like "oh ffs. Only if i get to go through them in order n when ive hit all 5 im done" tick box exercise. So i didnt reply. Then forgot, sorry.

And for a real answer, I dunno. Its frustrating. I feel like ive been booted back ten years and find myself convinced if id just done *something* things would be different. And im angry that I was pretty much over that for my own shit.

Now im like naw we were gonna leave together but I got impatient. We coulda gone to *city*, I shoulda stayed, I shoulda made her leave. I shoulda gone on a mass killing spree.. (im mostly kidding about the last one) and it feels incredibly selfish cos im not sure its all grief. A lot of it is resentment. Like hun. You dont get to die and bring up my shit. Which is obv insanely unfair which makes me hate myself a lil.

Plus I went to a completely unrelated funeral on Tuesday (a colleague died of cancer) and I hate that I could go to that funeral but my friends are freaking the f*ck out at any mention of me going to Hs. So I guess I dont go. But thats mostly financial and guilt if I lied and went. Cos honestly. f*ck it.

Depression. Does that mean ive moved on a level or back a level? Cos im still sold on hitting all 5 and being done?

 

[Movingforward10]

Cos im still sold on hitting all 5 and being done?

I also vote for a nice neat list to tick off and be done. Be way more bearable. And someone needs to invent that already.

But.....

Everything you write....makes total sense. Makes total sense there are all these thoughts, and that it's bringing up your past, and the resentment for that, and all the 'everything'. Don't have anything useful to say other than it makes sense.

 

[Chris-duck]

Thanks. Cos I feel like an absolute arsehole. Granted I am defo more irritable than usual. But it's weirdly reassuring for someone to be like "that makes sense" n not "uh should I come over?"

If I manage to work through that list in order ill let you know. But full disclaimer, im not sure my feelz should be anyones guidance, hah.

 

[Movingforward10]

Why would you be an arsehole?
You're allowed to have feelings about the (complicated) relationship.

Very very different, but when my Dad died, I beat myself up for not missing him. I just didn't. Made me feel a terrible person. But time has passed, and now I do have moments of missing him. And that brings me comfort. It might bring other people more grief and overwhelming loss. But for me it makes me feel 'normal'. Sharing as maybe it will help with accepting that what you feel now will ebb and flow, and change, and perhaps go round that cycle a few times.

 

[Chris-duck]

Why would you be an arsehole?

I feel responsible. N when i say that to normal folks theyre like "well did u kill her?" No. Obv not. And i fully know its irrational but its in my brain that my actions affect her outcome. Like what i did put her in danger way more than what she did put me in danger. So i can like hear her being like "omg youre actual gonna get us killed" n my brain thinks its unfair i got her killed and not me. Even though i fully understand im not responsible and have been out of the country for years.

Sharing as maybe it will help with accepting that what you feel now will ebb and flow, and change, and perhaps go round that cycle a few times.

Thanks for sharing. I know its just time etc. And im glad things got a bit easier for you in that situation

 

[Movingforward10]

I feel responsible

I think this comes back to all the self blame in CPTSD. The logical knowing it isn't but the feeling that it is. Finding space for the logical to move the feeling on?

Like what i did put her in danger way more than what she did put me in danger.

This is so complicated, and me saying "no you didn't" isn't going to help. But the people who hurt her, put her in harms way. Maybe the system not doing enough to protect her when risks were being increased put her in harms way.
You both were failed by all of that.
That failure led to her death.

my brain thinks its unfair i got her killed and not me

Survivors guilt is a 'thing'.
And all of this just shows the complicated layers of grief you are dealing with. Not easy in the slightest. Such tough stuff.

 

[Muttly]

it feels incredibly selfish cos im not sure its all grief. A lot of it is resentment. Like hun. You dont get to die and bring up my shit. Which is obv insanely unfair which makes me hate myself a lil.

Emotions aren't fair. (Ok, I'm not good at applying this to myself but we aren't talking about that). Emotions are responses to events and thoughts and provide us with emotion. Being angry or feeling resentment or having other feelings, at the person who died is normal. Yeah, it can feel shitty to feel those feelings but that's not what makes us "shits". Holding onto those feelings, or acting out on them in harmful ways, that can be a problem, but just feeling them? That makes you human