This is my first visit to this group and when I saw this thread I thought it might be a good place to start... I think if I answer this question it'll allow me to cover the introduction and history; it could give everyone an idea of who I am...
Good thing it's a PTSD group that I'm saying these things too, through experience I've learned that almost anyone else would hit "delete" pretty quick run away at high speed. Even worse; maybe they'll feel sorry for me and I'd prefer to not be pitied, deleted or cause anyone to run.
I can't remember when PTSD found its way into my life. I have no idea when started, what caused it or how it developed. I'm 42 now and when I look back on my life I can see the PTSD pattern follow me through every age, every risky behaviour, every loss of control and every fit of anger... its always there; hiding in every single memory; it's that fly on a wall that's there, but never says so.
I just didn't know.. Ok, maybe I knew. I just didn't understand what it was, what it meant, or how to deal with it... Actually I didn't think I had anything to deal with.. I thought the rest of the world was messed up, not me! Wow, was I wrong!
I've had extensive counselling throughout my life, dating back to when I was 14. I've been diagnosed with BiPolar, Borderline Personality Traits (Black and White Thinking), Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, Claustrophobia, Major Recurrent Depression, Adjustment Disorder (Following my divorce) and then there's the suicide attempts; too many to count stretching all the way back to a very young age; maybe 5? I thinks that's when I found out about "Liquid Draino".. I can still remember the taste and to this day just a picture of the label can make me nauseous.
Good thing I never had access to the pills I have today; or perhaps I should say, good thing I'm not suicidal anymore... The meds I have now could do me in within minutes. Now there's something to be grateful for! I'm in control enough to NOT be suicidal!
I've seen Social Workers, Nurse Counsellors, Therapists, Doctors who thought they could counsel (NOT!), Psychiatrists, Crisis Workers and last, but not least; a Psychologist. There's probably been more, but I don't remember right now, but as you can see it's been a really long road..
Even though I've tried and I'm proud to say I REALLY tried, there's aways been something new to discover, something new to learn and when I thought I was finished with "fixing" myself I'd get slapped with another trauma that would set me back ten years or more.
The Trauma's never seem to end! With the latest trauma being something that will just keep traumatizing me over and over again, for the rest of my life. That's part of why I'm here and I'm hoping I can find that special key, paragraph, sentence or thought that can create that epiphany capable of making this future of mine seem less traumatic. That's how its worked in the past. One sentence, or comment triggered new thoughts and new understanding. I've always believed that if I knew what the problem was, if I could name it, make sense of, read the full description of it and find out how it can be controlled, then I could manage it now and in the future and considering this new and on going trauma of mine is going to re-name itself every other day, year or month then I need to know why and how to handle it before it handles me. I'm truly tired of my PTSD handling me.
What's the never ending trauma I'm talking about? It's a rare spinal cord disease that's slowly taking away my mobility and changing my life. Everyday I'm taken further and further away from who I was and wanted to be... It's a disease that started; apparently, before I was even born..
They say it's congenital and the research points to a genetic connection, but if it's true and it stretches that far back, I can honestly say I didn't know until Jan 2010. That's the day my life changed; it's when I hit a car in front of me while driving my now ex-boyfriends Dodge Ram, because he was driving my Pontiac Sunfire because it's easier on fuel and he had to go further than me. I was driving on an icy road, in the early morning of a grey, dreary and extremely cold day when the car in front of me; a small Honda Civic started to pass through a yellow light, then changed his mind, hit reverse and I hit my brakes.... I skid all the way into the rear of his car and felt a hard, thank god I had my seatbelt on, bang! I watched his car windows explode outwards like a bomb explosion in a movie. As his car moved into the intersection all I remember think was, "What happened"?
I thought I was ok.. I told the police and ambulance drivers I was ok, and I drove away from the accident scene after being charged with dangerous driving because no one was there, or could see the car lights telling me he hit reverse.
I went to my visit my Son, Daughter-In-Law and my angel, love him with all my heart, 9 month old Grandson. Actually that's where I was headed; I was picking up my Daughter in law and my Grandson to drive them to church. Good thing it happened BEFORE I picked them up! I couldn't imagine how I'd feel if I had hurt my little, but growing family. Thankfully, for the first time in a long time I was totally alone.
It took quite some time to get past the shock and in hindsight I think my PTSD was triggered again.. This was the second of two accidents with the first one being in the summer of 2005, while driving in my friends car when a straight truck ran a red light at high speed, hitting my friends rear, drivers side door. I thought that one was worse and this one a walk in the park by comparison, but time proved me wrong after three months of increasing pain and tears. That's when my rare disease journey began. Within 3 months my life went from dreams of a future, to fear of the future... and I've been stuck there ever since.
Why am I here? Because I think I might be experiencing major Agoraphobia, probably even more than I ever have in my life!
I'm typically smart, talented with words, determined and feisty. I'd even become a very informed patient advocate for my rare disease, but when I step out my door and lose my comfort zone for any extended length of time, I begin to feel almost paralyzed, my brain turns to putty, my memory disappears and I'm lucky if I can spell my own name! I go quite and hide; shrinking into the walls like a wallflower and I remember every comment and conversation as if watching a movie in fast forward. I always second guess myself; Did I sound nuts? Did I make sense? My memory recalls my words as if I was screaming and not talking. Within a short period of time I end up shutting down, feeling panicked, lose my focus and eventually run as fast as I can back to the safety of my comfort zone, feeling like I could steamroll anything, and everyone who gets in my way.
I've been diagnosed with Complex PTSD. A name that my Psychiatrist thinks suits my symptoms much better. He says it's an all encompassing name capable of bringing ALL of my previous diagnoses together within what sounds like two small words... Works for me! I'm tired of having to spell or sound out the long list of symptoms or diagnoses, and I hate explaining why even more..
I do know why... It's because my childhood was a nightmare, and I mean a complete, and utterly devastating, nightmare. A nightmare that keeps coming back to haunt me, everytime another trauma comes a long and steals my new found life away..
I'm great in a crisis.. Of course I am! I can disassociate like a pro! Faster than you can say, "Trauma" my feelings shut down, my head clears and I can't feel anything or cry. I disconnect and I deal with things in what appears to be a cool headed, well thought out way.
I'm the person everyone would be lucky to have around in a crisis... I can handle anything!I've even learned that if I'm physically hurt I can't feel a thing! I can move like a robot on crack! Then I crash.. I start falling apart and it's taking longer and longer to bounce back from each devastation..
Now I'm locked in my home by my own mind... No wonder I don't have any close friends anymore.. I can't be there for them.. I'm lost in my fear and thoughts of pain and betrayal. I'm scared and I can't trust. I'm lonely, but it's actually ok. In fact it's good, or maybe even great! I can't let anyone too close anyway. They all end up hurting me in the end... whether real or imagined; I always get hurt and I've got no energy left to recover from new pain... I'm having a hard enough time with the pain I already have.
In my head I'm sick and I'm broken.. I sabotage every new positive and wonderful thing that comes into my life..
Well that's me... I think I've answered the question. When did my PTSD appear? I think maybe when I was born.
Good thing it's a PTSD group that I'm saying these things too, through experience I've learned that almost anyone else would hit "delete" pretty quick run away at high speed. Even worse; maybe they'll feel sorry for me and I'd prefer to not be pitied, deleted or cause anyone to run.
I can't remember when PTSD found its way into my life. I have no idea when started, what caused it or how it developed. I'm 42 now and when I look back on my life I can see the PTSD pattern follow me through every age, every risky behaviour, every loss of control and every fit of anger... its always there; hiding in every single memory; it's that fly on a wall that's there, but never says so.
I just didn't know.. Ok, maybe I knew. I just didn't understand what it was, what it meant, or how to deal with it... Actually I didn't think I had anything to deal with.. I thought the rest of the world was messed up, not me! Wow, was I wrong!
I've had extensive counselling throughout my life, dating back to when I was 14. I've been diagnosed with BiPolar, Borderline Personality Traits (Black and White Thinking), Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, Claustrophobia, Major Recurrent Depression, Adjustment Disorder (Following my divorce) and then there's the suicide attempts; too many to count stretching all the way back to a very young age; maybe 5? I thinks that's when I found out about "Liquid Draino".. I can still remember the taste and to this day just a picture of the label can make me nauseous.
Good thing I never had access to the pills I have today; or perhaps I should say, good thing I'm not suicidal anymore... The meds I have now could do me in within minutes. Now there's something to be grateful for! I'm in control enough to NOT be suicidal!
I've seen Social Workers, Nurse Counsellors, Therapists, Doctors who thought they could counsel (NOT!), Psychiatrists, Crisis Workers and last, but not least; a Psychologist. There's probably been more, but I don't remember right now, but as you can see it's been a really long road..
Even though I've tried and I'm proud to say I REALLY tried, there's aways been something new to discover, something new to learn and when I thought I was finished with "fixing" myself I'd get slapped with another trauma that would set me back ten years or more.
The Trauma's never seem to end! With the latest trauma being something that will just keep traumatizing me over and over again, for the rest of my life. That's part of why I'm here and I'm hoping I can find that special key, paragraph, sentence or thought that can create that epiphany capable of making this future of mine seem less traumatic. That's how its worked in the past. One sentence, or comment triggered new thoughts and new understanding. I've always believed that if I knew what the problem was, if I could name it, make sense of, read the full description of it and find out how it can be controlled, then I could manage it now and in the future and considering this new and on going trauma of mine is going to re-name itself every other day, year or month then I need to know why and how to handle it before it handles me. I'm truly tired of my PTSD handling me.
What's the never ending trauma I'm talking about? It's a rare spinal cord disease that's slowly taking away my mobility and changing my life. Everyday I'm taken further and further away from who I was and wanted to be... It's a disease that started; apparently, before I was even born..
They say it's congenital and the research points to a genetic connection, but if it's true and it stretches that far back, I can honestly say I didn't know until Jan 2010. That's the day my life changed; it's when I hit a car in front of me while driving my now ex-boyfriends Dodge Ram, because he was driving my Pontiac Sunfire because it's easier on fuel and he had to go further than me. I was driving on an icy road, in the early morning of a grey, dreary and extremely cold day when the car in front of me; a small Honda Civic started to pass through a yellow light, then changed his mind, hit reverse and I hit my brakes.... I skid all the way into the rear of his car and felt a hard, thank god I had my seatbelt on, bang! I watched his car windows explode outwards like a bomb explosion in a movie. As his car moved into the intersection all I remember think was, "What happened"?
I thought I was ok.. I told the police and ambulance drivers I was ok, and I drove away from the accident scene after being charged with dangerous driving because no one was there, or could see the car lights telling me he hit reverse.
I went to my visit my Son, Daughter-In-Law and my angel, love him with all my heart, 9 month old Grandson. Actually that's where I was headed; I was picking up my Daughter in law and my Grandson to drive them to church. Good thing it happened BEFORE I picked them up! I couldn't imagine how I'd feel if I had hurt my little, but growing family. Thankfully, for the first time in a long time I was totally alone.
It took quite some time to get past the shock and in hindsight I think my PTSD was triggered again.. This was the second of two accidents with the first one being in the summer of 2005, while driving in my friends car when a straight truck ran a red light at high speed, hitting my friends rear, drivers side door. I thought that one was worse and this one a walk in the park by comparison, but time proved me wrong after three months of increasing pain and tears. That's when my rare disease journey began. Within 3 months my life went from dreams of a future, to fear of the future... and I've been stuck there ever since.
Why am I here? Because I think I might be experiencing major Agoraphobia, probably even more than I ever have in my life!
I'm typically smart, talented with words, determined and feisty. I'd even become a very informed patient advocate for my rare disease, but when I step out my door and lose my comfort zone for any extended length of time, I begin to feel almost paralyzed, my brain turns to putty, my memory disappears and I'm lucky if I can spell my own name! I go quite and hide; shrinking into the walls like a wallflower and I remember every comment and conversation as if watching a movie in fast forward. I always second guess myself; Did I sound nuts? Did I make sense? My memory recalls my words as if I was screaming and not talking. Within a short period of time I end up shutting down, feeling panicked, lose my focus and eventually run as fast as I can back to the safety of my comfort zone, feeling like I could steamroll anything, and everyone who gets in my way.
I've been diagnosed with Complex PTSD. A name that my Psychiatrist thinks suits my symptoms much better. He says it's an all encompassing name capable of bringing ALL of my previous diagnoses together within what sounds like two small words... Works for me! I'm tired of having to spell or sound out the long list of symptoms or diagnoses, and I hate explaining why even more..
I do know why... It's because my childhood was a nightmare, and I mean a complete, and utterly devastating, nightmare. A nightmare that keeps coming back to haunt me, everytime another trauma comes a long and steals my new found life away..
I'm great in a crisis.. Of course I am! I can disassociate like a pro! Faster than you can say, "Trauma" my feelings shut down, my head clears and I can't feel anything or cry. I disconnect and I deal with things in what appears to be a cool headed, well thought out way.
I'm the person everyone would be lucky to have around in a crisis... I can handle anything!I've even learned that if I'm physically hurt I can't feel a thing! I can move like a robot on crack! Then I crash.. I start falling apart and it's taking longer and longer to bounce back from each devastation..
Now I'm locked in my home by my own mind... No wonder I don't have any close friends anymore.. I can't be there for them.. I'm lost in my fear and thoughts of pain and betrayal. I'm scared and I can't trust. I'm lonely, but it's actually ok. In fact it's good, or maybe even great! I can't let anyone too close anyway. They all end up hurting me in the end... whether real or imagined; I always get hurt and I've got no energy left to recover from new pain... I'm having a hard enough time with the pain I already have.
In my head I'm sick and I'm broken.. I sabotage every new positive and wonderful thing that comes into my life..
Well that's me... I think I've answered the question. When did my PTSD appear? I think maybe when I was born.
