General When Families Go Toxic.

[amethist]

Sounds a bit strong does the title but that what it feels like as far as my husbands family are now concerned.

He has not been well for the past few weeks, but we finally got him leveled out by increasing his meds by a small amount and he has be better these last few days.

Until this afternoon that is.

I had gone out for a couple of hours to take Easter presents to grandchildren and do a bit of shopping with my youngest daughter. Hubby decided to phone his mum while I was out and one of his sisters as well.

He can sound a bit slurry with his talking, but his head is more settled and can thing straight again. Because of this, the first thing his mum said to him was, "Are you drinking again". She has said this to him so many times, even when I have been here that it is now putting him on an instant downer.

He came of the phone after that and phoned his sister instead. A bigger mistake than phoning his mum.

She just said "I am busy, I'm working" and put the phone down on him.

So now hubby is in pieces, hating his whole family, who have not really bothered about him in the last 5 years, they have left all this to me.

Now hurting like hell, and now having to come to terms with the fact that it is my daughters, partner and grandchildren who care for him, more than his own flesh and blood do.

I wish he would just dump them all, but he can't because he knows his dad does care about him.

To think when I met him 12 years ago and for the years before his accident in 2007, they were all so close.

I did manage to get him to bed with an oil blend to settle him, but is this going to take some time for him to deal with.

 

[amethist]

Heaven help us both.

Hubby has just gone to confront his family. I have no idea how this will all end, and to be honest I am worried of how it will effect him if it all goes pear shaped.

I have not gone with him as this is something he needs to do, and I need to trust him to do this on his own. Not easy though, as I do know how volatile they can all be, especially his mum if she opens her mouth and lets it go.

I made him promise he will drive there carefully and take even more care coming back.

It will either all be sorted out smoothly, or it will hit the fan completely. If the latter, it will hurt him so much, and I will be left to pick up the pieces once again.

 

[Belle]

Hubby has just gone to confront his family. I have no idea how this will all end, and to be honest I am worried of how it will effect him if it all goes pear shaped.

(((Amethist))) OMG he is brave.... I hope it goes well.

It will either all be sorted out smoothly, or it will hit the fan completely. If the latter, it will hurt him so much, and I will be left to pick up the pieces once again.

I really hope the former, three steps forward and two steps back, that's how it feels when dealing with real life ppl when you have PTSD. And family can be so tactless.....and think they know you......Errrrr.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, that's really hard. I've had to deal with the same realization, that my so called 'family' can't be bothered with me, and were too busy wrapped up in their own stupid lives to be there when I needed them, and don't know how to get their needs met in a healthy way, so they have no idea how to meet mine. Now I'M the Evil one for cutting them all off.

It's extremely brave of him to confront them. I hope it all goes well. I wouldn't be expecting them to just admit they have not been the most caring parents though, between you and me. It took my father 10 years to admit that they may not have realized the severity of my situation at the time. (Way to be too late with the insight dad).

If he can communicate with them in a way that does not set off their defenses, then there might be hope. That is a VERY challenging minefield right there though.

 

[Meadowsweet]

(((Amethist))) will be keeping fingers, toes and everything crossed for you both.

 

[amethist]

His mother will be the one to start it off, guaranteed. Then one sister will join in, followed by hubby loosing it with them all.

Or he will cave in to their way of thinking and take all the blame for what ever they come up with. The possibility of them blaming me for all of this is in there too.

But I have had to let him do this, as nothing I suggested made a difference.

When they say "You can choose your friends but you cant choose your family" is at the front of my mind right now.

 

[Muzikluvr]

(((Amethist))) I'm so sorry he's going through this and I really hope his family will have an "ah-ha!" moment, and support him.

 

[Philippa]

It's terrible when it is so predictable...their responses. Every family has a pattern of how they argue, or a routine even.

 

[Eleanor]

Sending moral support from this quarter, Amethist. Keeping fingers crossed for a good outcome.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

(((( Amethist))))

I am sorry that things are getting so bad with his family. That really sucks, to say the least.

I wish you both some much needed peace. :) I hope it turns out okay and goes smoothly.

 

[ericaboo]

amethist - this sounds so familiar - and sometimes we don't call our families at all on holidays. I had completely stopped acknowledging holidays at all, but my husband can't seem to stop calling people.

They usually don't end well, and I have accepted that as part of our life. They are "rainy days" to us, but the clouds clear up, and the sun comes back out later :)

((hugs))

 

[amethist]

Well where do I start with all the stress and stuff this has caused, maybe from where I left off.

Hubby called me just before 3pm to say all was well and he was staying there as he had had a few drinks, so could not drive. I was upset to say the least, in fact I felt kicked to one side for the sake of his family.

This is the family that have left me to it for the past 5 years, then suddenly are all over him like a rash. They were drinking so he was.

I called him back and told him how I felt, was upset and hurt by all of this. He asked if I wanted him to get a taxi home, my answer was no, stay there and do what ever he wanted.

I then rang my daughter in floods of tears because of all this and decided to go over there for a few hours, so I was not on my own all the time.

I had not been there more than half an hour, by this time it was around 5pm, when my other daughter rang me to say hubby was at home and could not get in, he had not taken his key. But he had told me he was not coming home, so why should I stay in on my own. He has a phone now so I rang him to tell him she and her partner were on there way with a spare key and she would then come and get me. Oh boy was I the bad one for going out, leaving him sat on the doorstep. Er no, he told me he was not coming home, not my fault he did not take his key.

I got home to find him drunk and still drinking, with him trying to blame me for it all. no chance this was all his and his families doing, nothing to do with me at all.

As my daughter was leaving, she picked up the rest of the beer that they had given him, and told him she was taking it with her. He was not happy, but he did not try and stop her either.

After some mouthing off at me he finally staggered up to bed, with me telling him this will not happen again.

Where I go from here I am not sure, but his Psychiatric support is going to find out about this as I have his e-mail address. So will his solicitor, as I have a feeling that some of this, if not most of it is because he cannot take all the stress of all the legal stuff going on right now.

It could all hit the fan tomorrow especially if he has to ask his friend to take him over for the car. now that could be an interesting conversation when he explains why he needs a lift to go get it.

In fact I may ring his friend now, as he is the only one who does help him out.