When & How Do I Find Happy?

[gealach]

My nickname, since I was very small, has always been Smiley. Strangers, acquaintances, friends, bosses, patients - everyone at some point has named me Smiley, thinking they were the first.

Now, I can't remember the last time I smiled. I can't remember the last time I actually enjoyed something, or was happy. I don't enjoy anything anymore, I don't have ''fun''. It's actually one of the reasons I'm isolating myself at home, I'm just such a downer and everything's just meh anyway. What's the point of even leaving the house?

Hiking, photography, volcanoes, archery, baking, driving, movies, working out, school ... all meh. *insert activity here* ... meh.

I don't talk to my friends anymore. I don't even text. I just don't have anything to say, and I can only fake a conversation for so long. I'm not even sure I actually have friends anymore, it's not like they're crashing my phone trying to see what I'm up to.

We put up the Christmas tree today, listened to carols, drank eggnog, and did the lights outside. I just wanted it to all be over. The tree might as well just be another piece of furniture.

I'm not numb, I do feel emotions - the negative ones. Guilt, anxiety, (self) hate, hopelessness, frustration. I just don't feel the positive ones. I just can't seem to find happy, I don't even know where to begin, or how.

But I've gotten really good at faking that everything's fine. Most people don't even realize.

 

[sun seeker]

:( If you figure it out, let me know, will you?

I do very occasionally enjoy something. Rarely. Most of the time? Yeah, I fake it. Or I hide.

 

[WillyKat]

If you don't mind, I'd like to step up on a soapbox about happiness.

It's a false goal. An awful lot of people pursue happiness their entire lives, as did I. Then I learned something. Happiness, at least how people think about it, has come to mean being care-free, no worries, etc. For people with PTSD, I think it's too lofty a goal.

Rather than being care-free with no worries, I prefer to care a lot. It works better for me to have purpose and meaning in my life and to seek fulfillment in purpose and meaning rather than trying to be happy. It's been said before that embracing the struggle is one key to managing PTSD and I think that helps me a lot. I chased happiness for a long time and the more I ran after it the farther away it got.

Take for example, being on this forum. I feel like I can help people a little bit, and as I do, I see my own words and it helps me.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I have absolutely no clue as to what happiness is. For decades I prayed for just contentment. I have arrived!!!! Yes, I have times when the depression/suicide ideation is awful, but only when I've been triggered badly. Other than that, I'm fairly leveled now... Thank God, cause it took me litterly decades to get where I am!!!

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Please note: I suffered severe major depression (diagnosis in DSM talk: major depression, severe, recurrent, without psychotic features) for some 35 years. Yup. Hospitalized for suicidal ideation and suicide attempts more times than I can count. Even tried to hang myself in the hospital once. So, for what it's worth, that (plus PTSD and DID) is where I'm coming from. I am now diagnosis free.

I don't enjoy anything anymore, I don't have ''fun''. It's actually one of the reasons I'm isolating myself at home, I'm just such a downer and everything's just meh anyway. What's the point of even leaving the house?

Learned this a LONG time ago: staying home, especially isolating, makes depression WORSE! Don't stay at home.

There's something to be said for going out, even if you don't feel like it. Going out leads to distraction (from depressive feelings) and gives one the opportunity to maybe, just possibly, experience a bit of relief. Yes. Seriously. I'm talking to you.

When you are tempted to stay home, let that be your cue to jump up and get out the door before you can change your mind.

I just can't seem to find happy, I don't even know where to begin, or how.

Depression comes when we become overly involved in our issues and ruminate. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, play catch with a child - do almost anything that gets your mind off yourself and into others, and you will experience some relief.

Do this often enough and you can kiss your depression goodbye.

Yes. Truly. I did.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I agree with @BuckarooBanzai if it wasn't for working, I would have completely lost my mind. It forces me out the door, and to sometimes have conversations with other people. So yes, forcing yourself to do something that you don't want to do, will help lift depression. It's also a form of exposure therapy, forcing you to do what you're really avoiding.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Ok. Here are other ideas.

First, I know you said you didn't enjoy putting up the tree and all, but I bet there was at least one moment - probably more than one - when you smiled, laughed, or even enjoyed a warm fuzzy feeling. Most of the time, when we are depressed, we do have these micromoments of pleasure but, then, later, we return to our ruminations and 'forget' we had some nice moments. So, it's good to think back later in the day, perhaps at bedtime, and dredge up those moments; enjoy them again...and then remind yourself that these good feelings will come around again.

If you're having a hard time remembering good moments, ask a friend or family member to tell you about when they saw you smile when the tree lights were turned on for the first time, or whatever.

Doing this will help you see that feelings come and go, and the depression isn't really with you literally every moment. This will help break the power of the depression.

Also, you can think back to times in your life were you were happy, if even for just a moment. Relieve those moments and remind yourself that you will feel happy again. Feelings come and go, and that includes depressive feelings.

Second, try Thought Stoppage. You can read on the Internet for details but, basically, what you do is put a rubber band around your wrist and then, when you catch yourself in a negative thought, gently (this is not a punishment!) snap the rubber band on your wrist and restate the negative thought in a positive manner. So, for instance, if I were to think, "I am so depressed, nothing makes me feel happy," I might snap the band and then say, " Wait, that's not technically true! I did smile earlier when I saw that toddler taking her first steps! "

Thought Stoppage is very effective.