Its a very difficult question and something i've struggled for a long time with. My relationship with my parents is palatable. We get along well, and they are great grandparents to my two kids. I have only one sibling, a younger sister, and our relationship is very strained and causes me lots of stress. Here's the quick and dirty background.
I was diagnosed with PTSD at some point during my last five years of therapy. Interestingly, with a complaint of "stuckness", where every area of my life was a repetition of the same past painful experiences. When I learned about the disorder, and I reflect what they are in relation to, I realize I've been suffering with this problem for quite some time, without a knowledge of "what to call it".
At any rate, my sister and I have a very unhealthy relationship. I'm so sick and tired with it, at this point, that I hate to go into any lengthly details. Essentially, she is a very pragmatic, no-nonsense person, unemotional, and distant. Until I entered into therapy and learned to speak the truth of how I think and feel, our relationship was just fine. She would say hurtful things that really bug me and I would want to say something, but somehow just shut up and took it. I was afraid somehow that I would be punished for sharing how I feel. Sometimes these things are inert, yet they really get to me:
(1) She made a comment about anyone mother who works is a bad mom (I work, she stays at home)
(2) Made a comment about a show we watched on a woman who stayed in an abusinve relationship, "what's wrong with her)...(it took me 5 years to leave, that relationship 20+ years ago, is she talking about me I think)"
(3) Regarding the endless bullying I endured in high school (discussed things I did to make it worse for myself)....She was popular, and had no idea how bad it was, as a child thinking of suicide daily.
At any rate, lately, if she says something like this lately, I tell her my perspective on things and share I feel about what she says,(In as calm and collected manner as I can). Nonetheless, I do get emotional because some things she says are "triggery". Mind you, I've been in a bit of therapy, and completed my DBT classes twice. I also journal extensively, and have learned how to manage these emotions, so as to not become a completely unplugged cry baby at such moments.
Her reaction to this is to become defensive and say she didn't mean it that way. The problem is, she sees so black and white, in that pragmatic and judgmental way, she fails to consider my point of view. She drowns it out, and doesn't get that her statement isn't just about the events at hand, but how they touch on old traumas. She becomes focused on picking part the entire conversation to understand how I was misconstruing what she said. My simple request is that she just respects and is willing ot listen to my point of view, the other side of the coin, (i.e. working mothers can also be good moms).
MY CHOICES:
ON THE ONE HAND: I could hold onto my ideal of radical self-responsibility, and "turning over the coin" to see its other side. This has helped me move on and heal tremendously, (i.e now happily married to loving man 15 years). Part of me, from this perspective, desires to really own my role in things that caused the downfall in the relationship. Giving up means I failed, this bothers me.
ON THE OTHER HAND: I could cut ties with my sister. How does this go? What are the considerations involved. The guilt I would feel over "giving up" would be counterbalanced by a peace of mind. I feel this relationship drags me back into old unhealthy patterns.....(i.e. need for approval/validation, and fear of abandonment, etc)
P.S. I realize this is a tough question, does anybody have stories to share, or guidelines/considerations to keep in mind? Or just stories
P.S.S. I do realize that there is a way to search for this topic in the forum, but somehow, I do feel it was necessary to share my own story here. Even if nobody answers, this was very cathartic and empowering (this is my first lengthly post btw, as a shy lurker)...
I was diagnosed with PTSD at some point during my last five years of therapy. Interestingly, with a complaint of "stuckness", where every area of my life was a repetition of the same past painful experiences. When I learned about the disorder, and I reflect what they are in relation to, I realize I've been suffering with this problem for quite some time, without a knowledge of "what to call it".
At any rate, my sister and I have a very unhealthy relationship. I'm so sick and tired with it, at this point, that I hate to go into any lengthly details. Essentially, she is a very pragmatic, no-nonsense person, unemotional, and distant. Until I entered into therapy and learned to speak the truth of how I think and feel, our relationship was just fine. She would say hurtful things that really bug me and I would want to say something, but somehow just shut up and took it. I was afraid somehow that I would be punished for sharing how I feel. Sometimes these things are inert, yet they really get to me:
(1) She made a comment about anyone mother who works is a bad mom (I work, she stays at home)
(2) Made a comment about a show we watched on a woman who stayed in an abusinve relationship, "what's wrong with her)...(it took me 5 years to leave, that relationship 20+ years ago, is she talking about me I think)"
(3) Regarding the endless bullying I endured in high school (discussed things I did to make it worse for myself)....She was popular, and had no idea how bad it was, as a child thinking of suicide daily.
At any rate, lately, if she says something like this lately, I tell her my perspective on things and share I feel about what she says,(In as calm and collected manner as I can). Nonetheless, I do get emotional because some things she says are "triggery". Mind you, I've been in a bit of therapy, and completed my DBT classes twice. I also journal extensively, and have learned how to manage these emotions, so as to not become a completely unplugged cry baby at such moments.
Her reaction to this is to become defensive and say she didn't mean it that way. The problem is, she sees so black and white, in that pragmatic and judgmental way, she fails to consider my point of view. She drowns it out, and doesn't get that her statement isn't just about the events at hand, but how they touch on old traumas. She becomes focused on picking part the entire conversation to understand how I was misconstruing what she said. My simple request is that she just respects and is willing ot listen to my point of view, the other side of the coin, (i.e. working mothers can also be good moms).
MY CHOICES:
ON THE ONE HAND: I could hold onto my ideal of radical self-responsibility, and "turning over the coin" to see its other side. This has helped me move on and heal tremendously, (i.e now happily married to loving man 15 years). Part of me, from this perspective, desires to really own my role in things that caused the downfall in the relationship. Giving up means I failed, this bothers me.
ON THE OTHER HAND: I could cut ties with my sister. How does this go? What are the considerations involved. The guilt I would feel over "giving up" would be counterbalanced by a peace of mind. I feel this relationship drags me back into old unhealthy patterns.....(i.e. need for approval/validation, and fear of abandonment, etc)
P.S. I realize this is a tough question, does anybody have stories to share, or guidelines/considerations to keep in mind? Or just stories
P.S.S. I do realize that there is a way to search for this topic in the forum, but somehow, I do feel it was necessary to share my own story here. Even if nobody answers, this was very cathartic and empowering (this is my first lengthly post btw, as a shy lurker)...
