When Mother Wont Give It A Rest.

[Donna-1]

About a decade ago, while on brief respite from living with parents, I became suicidal. My therapist advised me to ask my parents to get rid of guns in their house. My dad kept loaded guns in practically every room of the house, including the bathroom, as well as in his car. All I knew at the time was that they complied.

Now, my mother keeps replaying the scenario. She told my dad the guns "bothered" me and that they should get rid of them. My dad insisted on just moving guns out to the garage, which would be out of the house yes, but not out of reach for me. My mom talked him out of it. They ended up selling the guns to the brother of an in-law because he owned a pawn shop. Over and done, right? Nope.

Now, Mom tells me frequently that they were robbed when they sold the guns because they were not given enough money for them. "Oh, how I wish we had at least kept the Winchester with the expensive scope. Oh how I wanted that little Midnight Special your dad kept in his dresser drawer." And it makes me sick because I am thinking okay, which do you wish you had -- me, or the guns? Me or the money you might have gotten?My mother doesn't even know how to load a gun. What does she think she would do with them, except maybe be able to get more money for them. My dad died in 2005, so he's not going to be using them.

I don't have to tell you that besides her constant reference to guns being a trigger for me, it just seems obvious that I might have killed myself if they HAD kept the Winchester and Midnight Special.

My mother has always been deficient in her awareness that children should be protected. That's another story I won't get into here, but my history with her is a long one of being left exposed to danger as a child, my having to be a parent to my younger sister, and growing up in fear that still haunts me. Part of my hypervigilance and hyper-anxiety to this day is due to growing up in this kind of environment. But to her, I was raised in a perfectly normal, Christian family who loved me and wanted the best for me. She persists in preserving her own self-image and piousness and belief that she was the model of a perfect parent.

But this deal with the guns. It is like she is obsessed with being cheated out of their true worth. That happened a long time ago, and I have the suspicion that she was given their fair value at the time. Why does she keep having to bring it up? I have asked her to just let it be. But she's getting worse. Every time I talk to her now, even on the phone, she references "all that your dad and I had to give up so you could be comfortable in our home." And I know what she's talking about.

What I want to do is cut off all ties with her. She is elderly and I have been her caregiver for a couple of years. I don't live with her, but I am over there almost daily, am her chauffeur, do her laundry, buy her groceries, pick up her medications, etc. She doesn't have dementia. I can't blame her callousness on that. I do have a brother and sister who stay at arm's length but do help some.

 

[The Albatross]

Donna, looks like you're getting a ring side seat to someone who is stuck in their thinking (your mother). It seems to have become a compulsive obsession. My mother in law has some, my own mother not as much. Elderly are often prone to this sort of thing as they have a lot of time on their hands and they can preoccupy themselves with a situation or an event over and over.

I've got a client now who does this. There are methods to learn (like distraction) to use... giving them enough stimulation in another area that they abandon the thoughts. Or you could try to have a conversation where you are able to state clearly, that this event happened many years ago, and it's over... that it's becoming a preoccupation and is problematic for you.

People can get stuck. She sounds stuck. I have been stuck in this way myself and was fortunate to be able to work my way out of this type of destructive thinking before I damaged my relationship with both my mother and spouse.

With my mother in law, having attempted the conversation... I have been working on acceptance and getting tougher skin so that when she ruminates compulsively I can recognize that it is her behavior and has no bearing on myself or on the present. I am getting better at not reacting or validating or engaging in dialogue on that topic... and more skillful at turning the conversation back to something to attend to in her present.

Does it annoy me? Absolutely... but I can recognize that she is stuck in the past, thinking out loud, and largely not intending what she says as digs or barbs. I can do the care or have the conversation and not get messed up in my head about it. When it comes up I remember it is past, it has no bearing on the present, and keep the gap between her thoughts and feelings and my own. What she says, has no impact on me unless I let it, which is usually when I am fatigued/stressed/worried.

My mother though did respond to the conversation and her compulsive revisiting of several topics has stopped.

 

[franciemarnie]

I'd want to cut all ties too. I'd love to be able to say like I'm comparing on the one hand and then on the other, "hmmm, Midnight Special? Donna? Midnight Special? Donna? That's a toughie."

Of course, my initial dream response is indirect and passive aggressive above lots of anger. Man, that would drive me crazy.

Something is and was seriously wrong with her in my opinion from the little bit you told.

Would it be possible to say to her you don't want to hear her compare the value of your life with a handgun anymore?

No one but you will know the best thing to do, but whatever it is I would want you as feel as safe as possible.

She is stuck in her thinking. But how is it affecting you, that's all I care about.

My 96 year old uncle keeps saying I have giant hands. It is ludicrously untrue. But a photo was taken of me with my hands closest to the camera eye so they look of course larger in perspective to the rest of me. It kind of drives me nuts. My cousin is "so beautiful", my brother is "the greatest performer", and I have "big hands". I'm laughing thinking of it but it did annoy me when I visited. He is stuck in his thinking, but he is not comparing the value of my life with that of an object.

It is tough when you are care taking. Really tough, but you have to come first. Until you know for sure you want an ultimate break, are there healing solutions you can find in the meantime so that her stuck thinking doesn't increasingly undermine your wellbeing? I just want you okay.

 

[franciemarnie]

I'm sorry. I reread your post and saw that you have asked her to give it a rest, and she won't.

I took care of my mother when she was dying of cancer and it was very tough because she was into this blame the victim thing. I was always the scapegoat. It was painfully difficult to act in the kind loving way I did day after day when she had this attitude like I ruined all their lives - her and dad and bro, which was absurdly untrue - and in fact her neglect and dad's abuse were what did me in, but at 22 I was still living in the dark.

I think she didn't want to see the damage she'd done - and they. It was easier to pretend I was just perverse. Maybe your mother likes to think it really wasn't all that bad for you and if it's agreed she could have kept the guns, then maybe nothing happened to you long ago. Just an idea.

 

[Donna-1]

Thanks, all, for your comments. They are helpful.

Distracting her, yes, that might help. And yes, she does tend to radically "rewrite" the past to suit her wishes. She has always had a different version of everything than I have. It is very hard for me to accept that she is to the point (age 85 and in ill health) where our relationship will never be the same. We've had our ups and downs, like every mother-daughter, but could always talk things out.

Now, even if I talk to her openly and honestly, she doesn't remember in a week or two that we ever had the discussion. I want her to be well taken care of, but I can't keep going like I have been. My brother, sister, and I have already had one go-round of discussions about what is best for Mom and how her needs can be met. I agreed to a major contribution of my own time and resources to take care of her, and then realized I couldn't make it happen. I'm already worn out.

So now my brother and sister are skeptical about my ideas and are uncooperative. A friend of mine said to explain to them that these kinds of situations are fluid, not set in stone. And that my heart was committed to her care, I just was not up to it psychologically. I doubt if my siblings would stand up to the challenge, either, if they were in my shoes.

 

[Donna-1]

Right now, I am in the initial stages of therapy for a dissociative disorder, and you know what a drain that can be on emotions, on ability to focus, and even physically. The therapy is "now or never." I have to do it. I can't take time out to be there for everyone else when my life is at stake.

 

[Loner]

My personal opinion is you can't make the world a safe place and someone who really wants to die will find a way. It seems like this isn't really about that issue though, its more about you wanting to cut ties with someone who doesn't value you, yet feeling obligated to stick around. Just ask yourself, based on what she has done for you, what do you feel you owe her?

 

[Abstract]

Donna,
Do you think she could be using this to assuage any feelings of guilt by placing indirect blame on you? Do you think this could be passive aggressive? Would that fit? I do like to try to perceive people having the best motivation possible but at the same time I think its worth looking at the most likely reality.

Regardless two things occur to me. The one is that this is probably entirely about her and maybe not so much about how she feels about you (as she is too caught up in her own internal stuff to even be considering you!) and that regardless of the motivation you deserve to find a way to feel safe and lay down boundaries with her.

I can see why this hurts very deeply for you.

Do you ever give consequences and follow up when you put a boundary in place?

I have to do it.

You have a right and duty to do this for yourself.

 

[Donna-1]

I have been warned that this post does not comply with forum rules. I apologize to anyone who was offended. In my original post, my title warned of a trigger, and that was removed (by administration?). I don't know why. I will try to address this at the proper forum. I gave them permission to delete this thread if it is deemed improper.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Donna,

This may answer some of it for you hopefully. [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/trigger-warnings.34307/#post-563813[/DLMURL]

Mods and admin are always good at answering questions about notifications and if you post a thread on the help desk section they will probably elaborate. Rules stand regardless but you may get an answer to the when and why.