When Suicide Becomes Justified

[Born to Run]

I think it is possible that the OP doesn't understand many of the emotions and symptoms they are having and the scar is something they can easily point to and explain their symptoms away instead of looking deeper.

I fully agree and came up with same conclusion.

Often in life we are presented with a wake up call to something we have overlooked in our life. My wake up call was a stroke and brain surgery. This triggered the unexposed ptsd I had walked around with my whole life without knowing it, as I did not remember what had caused it as a baby. Depression was the only clue I had that something was not right. Twenty years of therapy did not resolve it.
Now after going through trauma therapy and total hell I start to be grateful that all of this has happened as I was never happy inside before, but often did not realize it. Trauma therapy provides me with the chance to see how things really are and to live a more fulfilling life.

I hope you give yourself that chance.

 

[Scarface]

^^^^
This right here? Seems like the bottom line. Regardless of what is causing the fear, or what the fear is of (judgement & questions in your case, being raped in someone else's case), it's the fear itself that is imprisoning you. Afterall, If you didn't care? It wouldn't be a problem... Because you wouldn't care! But you do care. Deeply. It's gutting you, and your fear of other people is ruining your life..

People will judge and ask inappropriate questions. My therapist even said so. Plus, it devastates ME that I lost the face that I was born with. My looks used to be a major advantages and I was very happy with the way I looked. Now, they are a major disadvantage. God's cruel and screwed up joke on me I guess.

I just got home with a visit from another surgeon. He didn't give me a good outlook. In fact, he said most of his scar revision patients were satisfied with their results. When a scar revision doesn't work (as in my case) the outlook is much worse because it just becomes harder and harder to fix. Plus forehead scars are some of the hardest to fix, according to this surgeon. The odds have been against me since the accident. Most scars heal good to begin with, then most revisions heal good. But not me. My scar is more disfiguring than acne scars and cancer scars. I continue to get screwed.

I've been to over 12 different surgeons now and no one has been able to help me. Things are really looking bleak.

 

[joeylittle]

I need to fix my mind in addition to my face to really be able to enjoy life again. But without progress with my face, my mind won't heal. So it's a catch 22.

Not really - it would be a problem if you only had the resources to do one or the other. But the mind-healing part will take a certain chunk of time, and you could be doing that while you are looking for a better plastic surgeon. I am certain that you've looked hard - but it's also clear that you are determined to keep looking (which is great). So, you can look at this one of two ways: Either you are pretty sure you won't find a surgeon, looking is almost pointless, and therefore therapy is also - or, you believe you will find the right doctor, and you're going to need a working mind to go with your reconstructed face.

I've been to over 12 different surgeons now and no one has been able to help me. Things are really looking bleak.

I think, from your posts, that you have the drive to keep looking for the right surgeon. I also think that mental pain is a horrendous thing to live with, and that you could give yourself the task of alleviating some of that right now.

I want to be clear: the things you need to work on have to do with the accident and the aftermath - you said yourself that you look at your scar and see the memory of it being open and bleeding. That's just painful. That's PTSD. That's something you need to fix. And it's got nothing to do with what your face actually looks like now. Yes, one leads to another - but the memory is it's own problem.

 

[Stickler]

Regarding your surgery search?
Try going to a plastic and reconstructive surgery division at a major teaching hospital ( one associated with a well-known university).

Surgeons who teach other surgeons how to do this work will probably give you better results, right? Plus it's a team.

I'm agreeing with Joey on therapy...

While you DO have to look really really good for work, because your livelihood and your looks are intertwined, absolutely...
Why do you care what some shlub out in public thinks, to the degree that it bothers you?
Unless the humans in question are somehow involved with your paycheck, they can kiss your ass, hon.
You wear deodorant and don't vomit on their shoes, they should rejoice.

 

[Scarface]

Regarding your surgery search?
Try going to a plastic and reconstructive surgery division at a major teaching hospital ( one associated with a well-known university).

Why do you care what some shlub out in public thinks, to the degree that it bothers you?
Unless the humans in question are somehow involved with your paycheck, they can kiss your ass, hon.

I've tried the universities, they also do do cosemetics. But I will keep trying. As an added bonus, insurance isn't covering any of this. Scar treatment is considered cosemetic, even if the scar was due to an accident.

How about dating? That's a huge priority of mine right now. But it's on hold, because my body image is totally destroyed.

 

[Stickler]

...I've generally been considered conventionally ugly due to fat., and/or having leftover flappy parts due to fat... NOT conventionally sexy here.
Guys have not found this an issue. Or women. Or occasionally trans people....

Admittedly?
Hard to get lovers that aren't hardware people...( They screw! They nut! They bolt! )
That may be down to my crazee more than my looks.
But I think women ( and men and or other genders ) have problems finding people who are not hardware people. Regardless of looks or crazee.

So you're basically dealing with being...for a while, until you get that good reconstructive surgery...just less attractive than you have been...and people who aren't socially considered attractive at all obviously still date, marry, have kids.

Again, this is stuff you ought to take to therapy.

 

[Suzetig]

One of the people I love the most has a large port wine birthmark on his face. It literally covers the whole top left quarter of his face from his cheek. It started as a small spot on his cheek, like a mole, and in his late teens/early 20s spread to what it is now. He managed to marry, have children, have a good circle of people who love him dearly and held down a job very much in the public eye. It's not been easy for him but he's worked so hard to accept himself.

I get that life has changed for you and you feel your identity has changed, and in some ways it has, you'll most likely never have unblemished skin again. That in no way stops you from getting out, meeting people, caring for others and letting them care for you. People might ask questions about what happened, or look at you, or turn away from you even, develop a killer stare and some sharp/ humorous/stroppy responses or just choose to let strangers go to hell.

You have PTSD, which will absolutely affect how you feel about your accident, your face and your future. The good news is that it's entirely treatable, unlike your scar it would seem. Therapy for trauma is no quick deal but it is effective, if you want to put the work in. I've been there for 2 years and have some way to go. And before you ask, no I don't have facial scarring but my experience impacts my body image in all kinds of ways which I have to expose in therapy because my scars can't be seen - there are times I wish they were physical.

I don't think your facial scarring will stop you finding someone to love and live you back. Giving in to your self hatred however, that's another thing.

 

[Justmehere]

Have you tried exposure therapy or EMDR or another therapy that is more than talking about all of this?

Some kind of treatment that works on the pain and suffering you are in now, other than talk therapy alone - this might bring some measure of temp relief and help you look for a good doc to help with the scar itself.

 

[Changing4Best]

Suicide is way over-rated, believe me. I tried it once and fail, of course, or I would not be writing this. I awoke in the hospital and this nurse said to me that she could not understand why I would do such a thing. Then I had to stay in the Hospital for a long time before they would release me. Since then, my life has gotten much better. I am glad that I did not succeed! I will pray for you. I hope that is OK?

 

[Scarface]

I get that life has changed for you and you feel your identity has changed, and in some ways it has, you'll most likely never have unblemished skin again. That in no way stops you from getting out, meeting people, caring for others and letting them care for you. People might ask questions about what happened, or look at you, or turn away from you even, develop a killer stare and some sharp/ humorous/stroppy responses or just choose to let strangers go to hell.

Please don't kill my hope of getting my face back. It's like telling anemone with a spinal chord injury that they will never walk again. I HAVE to believe I will get my face to a point where I feel comfortable with it. I'm not striving for perfection, just so people WONT ask questions, stare, etc.

Many surgeons are already telling me they can't do anything. I'm disgusted with the fact that broken noses, bones, facial paralysis, skin cancer, even acne, can all be treated with less disfigurement than me! I really am royally screwed. I fear deep down inside that it is impossible to fix my face and therefore I will have to go with plan b (suicide) but I won't give up fighting for my face yet. I will die trying.

 

[Kintsugi]

I'm not really sure you're hearing people tell you that addressing your PTSD is going to be a major piece of the puzzle in moving on into a bright future.

You're on a PTSD forum rationalizing suicide because of a scar. At what point are you going to agree that your mental health is just as pressing as your superficial image?

 

[Suzetig]

Let me be clear, I said it was most likely you wouldn't have unblemished skin again, not that you "wouldn't get your face back" and I was basing that on what you said about medical opinion thus far.

I'm not in any way "killing your hope". Your post reads a bit too much like "if you kill my hope, I'll need to go with suicide" for my liking - I'm not having any part in that so won't post in response to you again. I wish you well and hope you find peace.