What To Do When Suicide Is Not An Option Any More???

[RussH]

Is there anything wrong with fantasizing about suicide if you're not actually going to do it

Amne the only problem with fantasizing it is; the more you fantaize about it the more real the possiblity becomes, and that can lead to action. I would suggest if you want to fantasize, then do so in the positive, and start seeing yourself as well and healthy.

 

[jd9900]

@WendyA - There are two very strong positives you can take away from suicide not being an option anymore (and I truly hope it isn't) here are two main, positive takeaways you now have:

1. You have one less major event to worry about.
2. You can get back to the business of living.

PTSD is a highly complex disorder. It seems to tap into the depths of many other disorders and diseases that seem to all work to fuel its (PTSD's) existence within us. And it's a control freak.

If it were my roommate I would move, if it were my wife I would get a divorce, and if it were a bug I would squash it. Unfortunately it is extremely elusive and constantly changing its tactics to keep me on edge. Trying to grab hold of it is like trying to pick up a bar of soap that you dropped - the harder I try to get a grip on it, the more it just jumps out of my hands and back onto the floor.

Because of that, I no longer try to get a handle on it as though I have any real control over it. Kind of like the soap, I just scoop it up gently and get back to the business of washing myself clean. Symbolically similar to how I treat my PTSD now.

I may be stuck with this thing forever, but even PTSD has some positive traits. It keeps me aware when others simply couldn't be bothered. I can't tell you how beneficial this is when I am trying to find a store, or fix a complex issue at work, or deal with drama within the family. I've found that, in any sort of crisis situation, people with PTSD tend to be exceptional problem solvers.

I've also found a high level of compassion, insight and intelligence from PTSD sufferers when they are in their comfort zone. I think, in particular, it is that deep compassion and insight we all tend to have that makes us susceptible to this disorder, in a way.

I hope you are doing better - if nothing else, the world has a great shortage of literary talent; I personally would hate to lose one more. :)

 

[Hashi]

If you've had a profound eye-opening realization of the pain you'll cause others, and are pretty sure you won't go that route, can you still use the suicide fantasy as a valve to let off steam?

For me, definitely. My reasons are different, but it isn't an option for me. Fantasising about it helps me a lot though. I (and others) recently posted about that here https://www.myptsd.com/threads/finding-thoughts-about-suicidal-ideation-comforting.38282/.

Those seem way stronger than breathing or meditation, both of which I have tried along with some of the others and they don't work for me. There is SO much pain!!!!

Breathing exercises help me with anxiety, but not with depression/suicidal ideation. Meditation and relaxation exercises, I think, have a long term effect. If you keep doing them consistently they'll have a positive effect over time but I wouldn't expect them to bring relief in the short term.

I think you need a whole range of skills and tools to draw on. Different strategies for different symptoms, and for how those manifest at different times. You need things that you can do immediately as well as things that will help over time. You need to put a lot of time and effort into finding and practising these, however much you don't want to. You won't get perfect results, you just need things that will help at all.

Part of that is to have a list of "go to" ideas ready for when the worst times hit. Things that are soothing, things that are distracting, things that are grounding. When my depression is milder it can help to do things like exercise or something physical like gardening. When it's a bit worse it can help to do things like journaling, listening to an audiobook or watching an old favourite DVD. When it's most intense, it's better to ignore my responsibilities, curl up in bed and try not to think. That's my "out".

 

[maryiscontrary]

This thread strikes home. Really, it came down to my needs as a human being not being met. I had to figure out why I felt so horrible. I would wake up with my thoughts racing, bordering on psychosis, and no medication would stop it. I remember thinking I felt intoxicated, or poisoned. This was not mental illness, but end stages of an autoimmune disorder. I corrected that, and within days the story changed. So I was intoxicated by autoimmune by products.

But I remember resenting my loved ones, who me have either died, or I am NC with, for not releasing me to oft myself. You would not let a dog suffer like that, why are you making me suffer? I had done everything right. I was loyal, trustworthy, very self motivated, resourceful woman. My life was a disaster, and I wished I was dead every day.

Number one, was to kick everybody out of my life who treated me poorly. And to make damn sure I was not unconsciously treating others poorly, because nobody likes a damned hypocrite. You will keep hearing me say how shocked I am as to the huge percentage of really, really dysfunctional people there are here in the US. Now, this could be true in other places, but life is very stressful here, because we have managed to destroy much of out social and cultural fabric.

So I kicked these assholes out. And I started doing really nice things for myself. If I were a perfect lover, how would I treat myself? I realized that most of my failure came around hanging with losers, who could never hold up their end of the bargain. So I hang around with myself, and things started going right. It is really important to sequester yourself from other who sabatoge your life. If somebody tears you down (not constructive criticism, that's love), they need to go ASAP.

So I started listening to how I feel. I realized that I am extremely sensitive to my environment and I am extremely sensitive to emotional states of those around me. So I honor this, and by the way, fixing my environment cost very, very little money.

 

[WillyKat]

Maryiscontrary has a good point. This society / culture is sick and will keep us sick unless we separate ourselves from it and associate ourselves with good, kind, caring people, like those on this forum.

I've often had fantasies of living alone in the mountains somewhere. But living alone and being a tribe of one probably won't work long term. So pick your friends carefully, associate with good people as much as is possible.

 

[Bluerose]

I agree. I read a long time ago about distancing myself from negative, aggressive people and it helped a lot. I think some people are just meant to live alone and manage their own life in whatever way suits them.

I too often felt like I would be happier living up a mountain fetching water and wood and meditating. (smile)

 

[WendyA]

Well @maryiscontrary , @WillyKat and @Bluerose ....I have had negative people removed, but not by my choice. My birthday is tomorrow :( and I was already stressing about it because I wasn't even planning on being alive for it. A friend of mine has a birthday around the same time and it was asked of me to meet her somewhere and walk her into her surprise party. I didn't think I could handle it so I tried to back out, but they really needed my help so I agreed very reluctantly to compromise and just meet her, walk her in and leave.

I get there and we go to open the door, everyone yells surprise and she backs away. In a split second I saw my mother, aunt and cousin and then my eye found my best friend. I was horrified and my instincts took over and I bolted. I wanted to die! Who thought that throwing a surprise party for someone with PTSD would be a good idea??!! Let alone someone who just more recently got out of the hospital for attempted suicide. I won't give all the details, but not only am I dealing with remembering that horrible feeling, but I am humiliated in front of a lot of people and feel like I need to run away.

I am, as of last night separated from my husband and my mother, who I already didn't really have a relationship with is punishing me by not seeing me and pretty much treating me like I am the problem. I embarrassed her!! I was already in the process of ending my marriage before my PTSD symptoms got so bad, but I wasn't ready to deal with that now. I have now lost EVERYTHING!!! My mom was all I had growing up and although she ignored me and didn't show affection and didn't do anything to protect me, I took what I could get from her. I fantasized about a relationship with her so much so that I think I made it real to some degree.

So this is a huge point of pain. I have no family, friends who don't understand and are disappointed and think I just couldn't handle a surprise party and that I overreacted, no marriage and no home now and I fear that my husband will keep my kids from me. Using my instability and my recent mental hospital stay against me...all the while having flashbacks, nightmares and the usual PTSD hell! Sorry this is so long, I just can't take anymore. Maybe I should change the title of this post because I feel like that suicide option should be put back on the table for review. I feel like it would be the humane thing to do to end my incredible suffering that is my life now.

 

[WillyKat]

WendyA,

I'm sorry this got you feeling down right now.

One of the worst aspects of PTSD is that when things are not going well, everything else seems negative too. I think in this case, your family and friends were trying to be family and friends to you. Obviously, they don't know about PTSD and how it might have affected you. But that's the thing, no one does except us.

Second, we hate attention like the kind you got. It's like we want to not stand out, not be visible, and disappear. I know that feeling too.

Third, and worst of all, they tricked you. They set you up. I'm just thinking that if it happened to me, I'd be completely triggered and not a soul would understand. Being tricked would trigger me because of how my abuser lured me into the loft of that barn. Something like what you went through would send me to the depths.

Let me gently try to change your perspective on this. They I think were trying to do something they thought, wrongly, would make you feel better. Obviously, they got it all wrong and there's a good chance they realize that. But they are ignorant about how PTSD affects people. In fact, there is widespread ignorance about PTSD in general. It's like literacy levels in the Dark Ages. You have not lost everything, you have not lost friends or relatives. You're not alone.

I know it would be extremely difficult, but there's an opportunity here for them to learn from this and to learn how to treat you better. There's a chance to educate them about PTSD. Just a thought, give them an article, web site, or book and let them learn something from this.

In any case, hang on. Do something nice for yourself and take another look at this from another angle.

 

[WendyA]

I am in so much pain right now. The events over the last couple of days have fueled my PTSD in different ways. I had closure with my mom after finally realizing that she doesn't love me and is incapable of loving me, so I pretty much have no family now. I am officially separated from my husband as of the other night and so dealing with both of those major traumas has brought up more of my original traumas and more flashbacks and nightmares, vulnerability and insecurity and irrational thinking.

I have someone who loves me, my best friend + (because he is somewhat more than just a friend) and I can't help but think I'm going to lose him, even though he has been the one constant among all this chaos and horror. I don't like to feel so insecure. I've always been so independent and on my own and now I have feelings like this for someone and love their friendship and love and am so afraid to ruin it or have the PTSD take it away.

I am in constant pain in my heart, my soul hurts, my head physically hurts, my throat hurts (trigger from abuse) and I am just miserable in general. I feel like I am being held together by one thread that is unraveling. Just when I thought I couldn't take any more. This thing is taking over and everyday finds new ways to "get me". It takes any good feelings or any glimmer of hope and destroys it immediately. I feel so weak and defeated. I am trying so hard to survive and to beat this thing, I really am. I don't have therapy until next Tuesday and its a new therapist so I have to start from the beginning. I have had more flashbacks recently and the details are hard to take. I spend so much time in fear. I did as a kid too, but seemed to cope with it better. Help!!!!!!!

 

[Bluerose]

I see myself as doing okay but I have to say if anyone had thrown a surprise party for me like that, a few people would be out of my life too. It’s unfortunate that someone didn’t give you the heads up. Strikes me as a bit mean. And I think, under the circumstances, you did the right thing. You were and are feeling very vulnerable - just out of hospital. I just think it was very thoughtless of them to do that.

You need some time to work out what you want - take it.

 

[ms spock]

If you've had a profound eye-opening realization of the pain you'll cause others, and are pretty sure you won't go that route, can you still use the suicide fantasy as a valve to let off steam?"

This is just my opinion. I used SI to manage and let of steam for about 35-40 years. Then I actually did something in October. It is a bad habit. It is a good idea to look for other ways of managing your feelings.

 

[WendyA]

I agree it could be a bad habit and not the best "coping skill", but some days its all that gets me through. I also use self harm now, which again is not good, but they are both better than the real thing. I don't know how to stop, there is so much pain!