What To Do When Suicide Is Not An Option Any More???

[WendyA]

Since my PTSD symptoms really started to go from bad to worse I have been planning my suicide. Putting things in order, writing letters, picking out caskets and making funeral arrangements etc. I recently sort of attempted, but because of the love I have for one individual I couldn't go through with it that time. I ended up going to the emergency room the next day and spending about a week in a mental health facility on a voluntary compliant basis.

Since I've been out I have still been moving forward with letters etc. I still think about it a lot and it is eerily comforting having it as an option...all that changed yesterday. The one individual (guy) I mentioned above sent me this link on suicide's affect on people and I know it is difficult for the people left behind, but I feel so worthless and unimportant etc that I didn't really think that people would spend a lot of time missing me. I am not stupid, I knew they would grieve, but I thought they would be better off....I still do. However, that link also mentioned the fact that PTSD is a risk for the people left behind if they have a close attachment to the individual that died. I had never thought about it like that. I would NEVER want this guy to have to go through what I and we go through!! Never!

So now what? I feel so lost again without that "out". I was comforted that whenever it got to be too bad I could just exit. I feel like I've been sentenced to life in this prison of mine. I hear that PTSD can get better for some people with time and lots of work, but I am so tired now, literally too from lack of sleep due to nightmares and just being on edge. I am feeling hopeless and trapped and backed into a corner without that. I don't know what to do now.

The advice is to work on "fixing" this, however, I don't feel like I have the strength any more or the will to go through this day in and day out. And therapy will take a while to feel relief and the coping techniques they list on most PTSD info sites are not strong enough to provide any relief. How do I cope without becoming a sex addict or alcoholic or something like that. Those seem way stronger than breathing or meditation, both of which I have tried along with some of the others and they don't work for me. There is SO much pain!!!!

 

[CVC]

I'm so sorry for all your pain. Nobody deserves this kind of pain. When you're in the thick of it, it can feel like things will never improve. I know I've certainly been there before. Like you, I wrote the letters, made the plans, got so so close. And I know this isn't much consolation, but today I'm so grateful to still be here.

Feelings evolve. Situations change. You grow as a person. You figure a few things out. Sometimes there's good luck. Of course, there are always setbacks, and there will be more times that feel hopeless. But there is one thing you can count on no matter what: things (including feelings) always, always change. No matter what you do, there will be change. Holding onto this thought sometimes gives me hope in dark times.

In the meantime, know that there are supportive people on this forum. Know that you are not alone in your pain. Every time you choose to reach out about your pain, as you're doing now, you're sowing the seeds for positive change. You've been to hell and back, and you've lived to tell about it. For surviving, for choosing to live, for being able to speak up--know that you are strong.

 

[WillyKat]

@WendyA,

First, you are not worthless or unimportant! We here on the forum value not just your physical self but your inner self, the part that is hurting so much right now.

I have moments like the one you're having too and it hurts so damn much that it seems there isn't any way out. Lots of us here have been in those moments. I too have felt sort of dead inside a physically alive host. But I'm telling you that this is the poison that the abusers in the world have put in our tea. They thrive on us feeling like this and keeping the ultimate silence about what they did. They programmed us to feel that way.

I urge you to right now call your therapist if you have one and schedule an emergency appointment. ! If you don't have one, get a referral from the last doctor you saw, or get on the web and find one. The other option is to call your local crisis hotline.

 

[gone]

@WendyA — I feel for you in all this pain right now (and for a long time, sounds like). When things get to be too crappy, I also find it extremely comforting to plan my end. Sometimes I can tell my thinking gets obsessive. It's the only thing I want to think about, an elaborate fantasy that I'm in control of during times when I feel next to no control.

So my question to the forum: Is there anything wrong with fantasizing about suicide if you're not actually going to do it? If you've had a profound eye-opening realization of the pain you'll cause others, and are pretty sure you won't go that route, can you still use the suicide fantasy as a valve to let off steam?

Otherwise a suggestion @WendyA—I realize this might not be for you, but this kind of thing helps me—I create the scenario in a kind of third person. I write a short story, even a paragraph, a poem, or create a montage, or make a cartoon, or even graffito the bathroom mirror with stick figures, telling the tale of someone (not me) who commits suicide. I use all my "creative" energy in making that fantasy come "true." It's a giant relief. Sometimes the story I tell leads to the story of the people left behind, and then I sense the tragedy, the way my fictional character's action messed up other people's lives, which brings it full circle to the profound eye-opening realization of the pain he/she will cause others and how he/she doesn't want to do that.

Also, I obsess about suicide most when I feel really trapped. So now @WendyA you're feeling trapped because you don't feel you have suicide as an option anymore, which feels like a double trap. I get to that kind of feeling whenever I'm starting to feel stronger and think I'm less likely to kill myself just now, or that there's just enough holding me to this earth that I'll never get past the barriers to do it. Frankly, it's a scary feeling, like I've lost my option of last resort. But I also wonder if that scary feeling might mark a transition towards healing?

Plus good therapy will help, will help defuse some of the worst feelings pretty fast. If you don't have a really good, really compassionate, really safe T right now, please find one. Interview some (many) until you find the right one.

 

[WendyA]

Thank you! It is good to know I am not alone and completely crazy. I would be interested to know what everyone thinks of @Amne question: "So my question to the forum: Is there anything wrong with fantasizing about suicide if you're not actually going to do it? If you've had a profound eye-opening realization of the pain you'll cause others, and are pretty sure you won't go that route, can you still use the suicide fantasy as a valve to let off steam?"

 

[WillyKat]

With respect to Amne's question, I dunno if there's anything wrong with it. I do it involuntarily all the time, semi-consciously, and have since about age 14 or so. I got so used to it I don't notice it. There are times when I'm really low that it does provide that "comfort".

I guess the answer to that question is: I sure as hell wish I could replace it with something else. It probably isn't very healthy but sometimes knowing there's an out calms us down and keeps our shit bucket from sloshing around too much. And once we're calm it's easier to climb out of the hole we're in.

Boy that's messed up isn't it? That's a topic for my next therapy session.

 

[catjudo]

I can very much relate to feeling trapped. In my case, I am a single mom with a young daughter and no real options of appropriate people to care for her if I were gone. A couple of close friends that, in writing, have agreed to become her guardian should the need ever arise, but they're not ideal choices...just the best option that I have.

At times when things become so painful and unbearable and I would give anything to just leave this world, I can almost start to resent my daughter for even existing. That's shameful to admit because I love my daughter more than anything or anyone in the entire world. I would do anything for her, including living a painful miserable life just so that she wouldn't have to deal with losing me. But when things are at their most painful, I hate that I am trapped in this life.

CVC is right, feelings, situations and circumstances do change. In my experience this is a negative as much as a minus. In my mind, no matter how bad things get if I can ride it out long enough things will eventually begin to improve at least a little. But at the same time they eventually change again and return to that living hell. Sometimes it seems like I spend more time living in hell and it doesn't seem like that will ever change.

Sorry, I know this isn't really helpful. Just thought I'd chime in and say I understand where you're coming from and you're not alone.

 

[Bluerose]

I was one of those left behind and even though my dad was tough on us it was still very disturbing for us when he committed suicide. I too have always had suicide as an option but all that changed lately. First it was, I couldn’t do that to my kids. Then they got older, and now its I can’t do that to my grandkids. They are so sweet, their little faces light up when I visit. My daughter is such a good mom, they’ll never experience what I have.

Alone it can be tough sometimes just to get through the day - nights can be worse. But it’s a legacy I just don’t want to leave them with.

I hope you find something worth living for no matter how small. Look around you. What can you do to make your space your own private sanctuary of peace and harmony. Do nice thing for yourself and others. If nothing else it helps the tough times pass better.

Best and warmest wishes.

 

[WendyA]

Thank you @catjudo for being so honest. I needed to hear that. And @Bluerose hopefully I will come to that place some day. At the moment I have trouble seeing any light at the end of what I don't even know is a tunnel because I can't see anything, just darkness. I am glad I found this site. I have a lot to think about.

 

[Recovery Girl]

Whew, reading all this stuff is a lot! I'm here to honor the girl who went through the abuse and healed. I also had an icky nightmare after years of not. I too was going to commit suicide and did not because of my child. Went to the hospital instead. Good thing for my daughter as her Dad did it a few years later. I'm so grateful I woke up in time.

Along with Ptsd, I am an addict. When I went to Narcotics Anonymous, I found out about 'a Higher Power of your own understanding'. I have 8 years clean and this HP is my best friend. I learned to love myself, which is an amazing miracle. I remember the feeling of, I was oozing poison and I couldn't even be in the same room with my daughter. I need to be reminded of just how horrible it was. Cause we survive and we recover. You may not see light at the end of the tunnel, but I see it for you and please believe me when I say you are worth fighting for. Every single one of us is precious!

I feel vulnerable after writing this and I feel an urge to crack a joke, but I won't. I need to do this and I'm happy if I help others. Thanks for listening.

Wendy, you do whatever you need to do to feel better!

 

[gone]

Thanks for sharing @Recovery Girl. And jokes always welcome! Though I understand if you're feeling vulnerable it might make you feel even more vulnerable. Thanks for the reminder that we're all worth fighting for.

 

[RussH]

@WendyA I am so sorry for your pain, and your desire to end it. Please do not kill yourself; we need you here. Your contributions to this forum is important to the fellow sufferers that you can help. You said that suicide is no longer an option, but I would suggest that is has never been an option, The first and only option is to get better, and for this you have to fight.

Wendy, I don't know your circumstances, or what has happened to you to cause you so much pain, but I do know that somewhere within you is the strength and courage to overcome it. We, your brothers and sisters in suffering, are here to help you. please reach out to us and talk about what is going on. We will help you because we need you here, and this world without you would be a less lovely place.