When Therapist Offers To Call....then Doesn't...

[City Slicker]

hi @barefoot -

I want to take 5 minutes to discuss something and then I want to move on." That way it doesn't overtake your session. It’s kind of a "don't ever do that to me again" statement

I like this approach because it puts the control right back in your hands and validates your right to be upset and to assert what you want to see happen in future.

(Also I wanted to pass along that I had three or four texts that were sent to me this week that I did not receive. I know you said this has happened before with this therapist but I was surprised not to have received these texts and my phone was on the entire time)

I admire the way you are working this through right now. It's a big issue for a lot of us in healing. Confronting the idea of 'betrayal' in our lives in whatever form is a really huge and necessary thing. Good luck as you journey on.

 

[barefoot]

Does her behavior remind you of anyone?

No, I don't think so...I don't think there's anything significant about being let down by people who don't do what they say they're going to do...I don't think...!

Are you backpaddling to avoid conflict while minimalizing your feelings?

Hmm... That's a really good question... I think I started by feeling really angry and let down by her... And now I think I've swung the other way and am thinking that she hasn't done anything majorly wrong and that I've blown it out of proportion and that really this is bothering me because of my stuff not because of her action... So, perhaps I've gone from the extreme of being angry with her because she is to blame, to now thinking it's not fair to be angry with her because this is about my stuff....which makes it my fault....hmm... And that's interesting because she's been trying to make me see lately that I don't always apportion blame and responsibilty where it's deserved because I will generally end up at a place of making something my fault... Hmm...

Does this look like a good laboratory setting to practice how you would deal with this treatment in real life?

Maybe, because of the apportioning blame thing.

And also because I find it difficult to identify and express my needs, to express anger and to set down boundaries and push back on things that I don't want in order to have my boundaries respected...

And would you put up with this from anyone else?

If a friend didn't call when they said they would...? I think I'd feel irritated because I'd think it was rude, but it wouldn't bother me to anywhere near the extend that this has bothered me. It bothers me because she's my therapist and she knew I was struggling - that's why she offered the call. So I don't think it was helpful for her to then just give me radio silence.

It’s kind of a "don't ever do that to me again" statement where she needs to be open, receptive and apologetic, not returning with excuses because none of her reasons are good enough. A text, a sign, just show me a sign..

Yes...exactly... Ok...I think I need to keep this in mind so that I don't place all the blame on myself. I need to strike a balance here...

Thank you! Will let you know how the session goes!

 

[barefoot]

What gets me from what you describe is less of what she didn't do, than the fact she never addressed it afterwards.

Yes, this is definitely it! Stuff came up, she couldn't do the call - I get that and can understand how that happens. The thing that has really wound me up is the lack of any acknowledgement. A quick text either to say that stuff was going on so she couldn't now call, or to apologise afterwards for not being able to call, would have made me feel ok about this. That's what's really rattling me.

 

[barefoot]

Thank you @City Slicker - I feel like I'm practically spamming my own thread with so many thoughts! But it's been very helpful.

Maybe I should start by asking if she got my text on Friday. If she says no...I think I'll feel like a complete idiot and I guess that makes this whole thread a moot point! ;-)

 

[Tinyflame]

It's a big issue for a lot of us in healing. Confronting the idea of 'betrayal' in our lives in whatever form is a really huge and necessary thing.

Hmm...she's been trying to make me see lately that I don't always apportion blame and responsibilty where it's deserved because I will generally end up at a place of making something my fault..

Dear @barefoot , I don't want to waste your time or interject my own experiences, but if I may I will divert a bit & say just this, because of the responses above. It's difficult to write for me though, but down to brass tacks.

I've dealt with living with this for 30+ years, I guess tried to 'deal' with it for about 8 years. I, & so many of us, have been where you are at with this situation & these feelings. (Thank you for your input & thoughts on all of it. :hug: )

It came to me, & in a sense was voiced by @City Slicker above, betrayal has been so huge. Life happenings have been so huge. Horrible, horrible things, that I can't speak of & probably never will. Pain++. (And all the other things like shame, horror, terror, hopelessness, grief, fear, loss.) And sometimes the pain from it is so unrecognized or unacknowledged, I guess it almost destroys me/ (us). I find myself doing/ planning things against myself.. Sometimes the only thing that comes to me is 'why did I not just hide those plans away more?' I think we all are trying to help ourselves. It's hard when we feel like we can't. And sometimes it's not even conscious, the gravity of how badly we see ourselves or set out to get rid of ourselves. Maybe a way to remove the memories.

I think it requires, or makes possible, someone else to hold a thought or belief we have any value at all even as we are right now, for us (on our behalf). Or after what's happened. Or what we've done. Or haven't done/ achieved. Or that we are a good person. Because (I) cannot. Or/ and, that things will be ok, that this can be surmounted. Maybe that we aren't alone.

Much of all or any of this comes down to that. Not being able to accept help. Or believe it. Or fear of it. Maybe even fear of the help more than fear of no help, that can be familiar. How can one reconcile the memory or belief of another person in us as having any value, or that things will be ok, when we cannot (are not able) to see it or ourselves that way. We have to go blindly by their faith & faith in our value or reject all of it (& their help) entirely. And if so it's my experience (I)/(we) will find ways to do so, consciously or subconsciously with *any* explanation we can tell ourselves. Our (ptsd)-minds will tell ourselves & argue whatever it takes to 'prove' to ourselves they can't be trusted, it's all the same, & only a matter of time or more information & it will be obvious without a doubt & irrefutable (as will be their misplaced care of us/ 'value' placed on us.).

(Naturally, JMVeryHumbleOandExperience, of course. :notworthy: )

that makes this whole thread a moot point! ;-)

No. Not if something helps. :hug: :hug:

Best wishes to you. It will be ok for you. :hug:

 

[Teasel]

@barefoot, just to say I relate ever so much to how this has made you feel. And just wanted to say I admire how you've been talking this out here. Situations like this can trigger feelings of terror for me, such that I just run away from dealing with the whole thing at all. And then add lots of shame feelings for good measure. I hope you are able to express how you feel to your therapist and get some resolution. All the best :)

 

[barefoot]

@Junebug - thank you for sharing...sending warm wishes to you. Unpicking this situation has brought up a lot of feelings that I don't really understand...it's certainly all very complex...

And, just so you know, you'll never be "wasting my time" by posting anything :-)

 

[barefoot]

So, an update:

My therapist texted me yesterday evening - a chirpy text, apologising for her slow response and for not calling on Friday and saying she was looking forward to seeing me in our session today. Apparently she was "overtaken by surprise birthday events" (it's her birthday today).

I think I'm now actually even more irritated than before! Because, although she's now texted and apologised, it's kind of taken the wind out of my sales a bit because I was psyched up for talking this through with her and had thought carefully about what I was going to say...then she swoops in with a friendly text on Sunday evening and now I feel like I'm going to be a nob if I tell her I've been pissed off with her, when I know she was caught up in surprise birthday stuff.

Not now sure how to play it. This feels like it changes things. But maybe it doesn't?!

FFS!!!

 

[watundah]

No I don't know that it does change everything. 1) she may have known she was busy and shouldn't have offered. 2) it's not impossible to find 10 minutes out of the day if you've offered to do something for someone 3) most importantly, your feelings still matter and you don't want to go through this again.
You were impacted by her words. I hope you still bring it up.

 

[watundah]

Oh..and..especially since this isnt an isolated incident.

 

[City Slicker]

@barefoot - ok good, I am glad she clarified what happened. Now I am also even more irritated upon hearing the reason.

The part that gets it all rolled into a tight ball and difficult to deal with is when the way someone else behaves hits right into the soft stuff inside us that feels shameful, ungrateful, betrayed, and all that awful nastiness.

Further, the way she lightly replied with her apology, I get a sense is entirely due to her wanting to diffuse the situation before she sees you in person.

Whatever her motivation, it's not ok.

However, since you like the therapist and want to continue working with her, I would try to see what has happened as an awesome opportunity to let her make her mistake and own it while you get to verbalize that how awful the impact is on you when she does this and discuss ways you can ensure this does not happen again.

In this way, it starts or continues a process of you being able to separate your own hurt and sense of betrayal from the way she behaved and the mistake she made.

She needs to own her own behaviour but she might not be able to unless you point out the effect this had and that it is not ok.

I wish you the best in working this through.

 

[sun seeker]

I've been lurking on this thread and just wanted to say I'm learning from all the replies as you work this out. I too have a therapist who is truly helping me, very attuned, very skilled, and I have no desire at all for a different one. There is just one issue with his inconsistency getting back to me. We worked extensively on my feeling I couldn't reach out and ask for help, and he told me clearly that if I was having a really hard time, I should call him. I think that is authentic. The other part of the reality is he's very busy and inconsistent about getting back to me. The one time after that conversation when I was having a terrible time and called and asked him to call me back, it took six days until he did, and that was the day before our next appointment. He did apologize for taking so long, and I briefly touched on the fact that this had brought up a lot of other stuff for me besides what I was calling about in the first place - but then moved on because I am still so hazy about what I have a right to ask for. From anyone. Goes back a long, long way. So I didn't talk about just how much it affected me. To be fair, in my phone message I'd only asked him to call me, didn't say why, so he didn't necessarily know how urgent it felt. And I know he often doesn't listen to his messages for a few days at a time. But I do feel we should talk about this again at some point, because if I am really in crisis, I will hesitate to call and possibly add to the original crisis with the feelings about how long it will take him to call me back.

I did learn from that experience that I have made at least some progress, because during at least some of the time in those six days I was able to tell myself that his taking a long time didn't mean anything bad and to get on with living my life. But it was still a long six days.

You say this doesn't remind you of anything, which would make it simpler to work through. It reminds me of a lot of things. It seems like I've spent a lot of my life, dating from age three at the earliest I am aware of, frozen waiting for people. It's a big trigger. I've mentioned this in another context and he said we need to work on that at some point. I can see myself bringing this up as "You know that time I called you and it took six days before you got back to me... well, that brought up a major trigger that I've mentioned before, and I'd like to work on that." It isn't blame. It takes responsibility for the trigger without ignoring it. As to whether I have a right to expect him to get back to me more promptly? That's harder. I think the idea of "normal" is we ask for what we need, but are strong enough in ourselves that if we don't get it, we still have other resources we can turn to. But of course if I was there, I wouldn't need therapy so much, right?

Someone mentioned on another, similar thread, that the kinds of people who become therapists are often those who live in the moment, which makes them so good at attuning to the person in front of them, but at the same time those are not the kinds of people best at keeping track of details like returning phone calls.

Anyway, sorry for rambling, just wanted to say this thread has been instructive for me and I thank you for it. Please let us know how it went today.