When Therapist Offers To Call....then Doesn't...

[barefoot]

So, yesterday's session didn't go brilliantly...

Therapist asked early on if my neighbour had been round (sorry - there's another thread on this!) so we started talking about that and some somatic stuff around that. And then I just got really spacey and then started dissociating.

We then spent a big chunk of time trying to get me more grounded and present. In the end, I got present quite effectively when she said my name so sharply that I leapt out of my skin!

She said she didn't feel it was a good idea for us to continue talking about the neighbour stuff this session because it was making me too spacey. So then I said about the whole call/non-call thing. Which was maybe a mistake because, although I felt more with it, I still felt spacey and odd. But I knew I'd be really annoyed with myself afterwards if I didn't bring it up.

She listened and didn't say much, just looked very serious and thoughtful. She said it was good that I'd been able to express how I'd felt and that I sounded very congruent. Then she said it was very interesting and that she was trying to work out what was underneath my strong reaction but that we weren't going to start unpacking it now (because we didn't have much time by then, I think. And probably also because I'd been so spacey. I suppose neither of those things are the best basis to start a meaningful discussion about something important!). I said that I was aware that my reaction and feelings were "my stuff" so I didn't want her to think that I was just having a go at her. She said it sounded like I was angry with her and feeling let down because she didn't call. So then I said about her lack of acknowledgement of me asking for help was the point - it wasn't really about the fact that she couldn't call.

I said that I'd realised that asking for help/expressing a need felt shameful and that radio silence from her made it feel even more shameful, and she agreed that she could see how her not replying would affirm the shameful feelings. She said she was sorry that I'd had such a strong reaction, sorry that I'd gone to that place and sorry that she'd created. It. And towards the end of the conversation, she said she was upset that I've been upset. I think all these things are true and that she was being authentic. But, while she's sorry that that's how I felt and she feels upset because I'm upset etc, I don't get the sense that she believes she made a mistake.

In typical therapist fashion, she was very specific about what she was apologising for! There was nothing like, "Yes, sorry, I can see that I should have texted you on Friday to say I couldn't call." More just a' "I understand that me not replying affirmed your feelings of shame." So, while I guess she acknowledged the impact of her not replying (and, to be fair, she did say "I'm sorry I created it") it was like she didn't really take it upon herself to suggest what she could do differently in the future eg "Next time, if I can't do what I said I'd do, I'll endeavour to let you know and won't just ignore your message."

Maybe she doesn't want to commit to saying something along those lines because she can't guarantee that nothing will come up (eg she could end up with an emergency situation or with no phone signal or any number of other things that mean she can't reply) or perhaps because she doesn't trust herself to remember... I don't know...I think I was just hoping for a bit more tangeable ownership along the lines of how we can avoid it happening again.

In the end I said that I didn't want to end up in that situation and with those feelings again and that, ideally, I could see that it would be good for me to get to a point where if she doesn't reply to a message, I don't have a strong reaction and go through all those horrible feelings. However, as that's obviously not where I am and presumably I'm not going to be able to get there really quickly, a more short term practical solution would be for her not to offer anymore and I wasn't going to ask. She didn't say anything for a while but looked very serious, so I took that to mean that she didn't want us to make that agreement. Then she said that I could always have sent her another text later on, asking if we were going to have a call, because that would have given her a nudge.

I felt quite pissed off about that and could feel I was getting spacey again. Then I finally managed to say that I wasn't expecting her to tell me I should have texted her again - which she (understandably) pounced on straight away because she didn't say I "should" have texted her. So I corrected myself and said, "No, you didn't say that...but your suggestion was that I could have texted you and asked again, to give you a nudge." And I said that feels like she's putting it back on me and making me responsible for it. She said she wasn't....I said she was....it all felt a bit tense... Then she said that she really wasn't making me responsible and what she meant was that if I had texted again, it wouldn't have been an intrusion, so she wanted me to feel that if I haven't got what I needed from her, she wanted me to know that I could contact her again and that was ok.

Anyway, regardless of that...if it took that much painful deliberating with myself and brought up that amount of shame the first time, I can't really see me going through that whole process again and asking a second time!

Then she started saying "I don't want to get into the reasons why I couldn't call because it will sound like I'm making excuses... But, you know how it is at work, when lots of things are going on, when lots of things are taking your attention and you're getting involved with stuff and there are other things...." Blah blah blah.... I didn't say, "Oh, so it was work stuff? Only, you said in your text last night that it was surprise birthday stuff?!"

I just said that, yes, I know what it's like and it's not that I'm thinking she didn't have good reasons for not being able to do the call. And I know she wouldn't have intended for me to feel the way I have. And it's not that I think she doesn't care. And this isn't to take away from the times that she has gone above and beyond for me (eg calling in the first place on Thursday and a few other things). And then she said that she didn't ever want anyone to feel deprioritised or to feel that they weren't getting what they needed from her.

Anyway....time was up and the session ended with me just saying "ok" to acknowledge the last thing she said, then getting my stuff together and putting my coat on and getting up to leave. So, she got up and went to open the door. Usually, we're chatting all through that time but yesterday we weren't. It felt tense. It felt like our relationship was...well, like there wasn't one really. And as I started down the stairs, I didn't look at her but I said "bye" and she said "bye" and that was that - and, again, usually we're chatting as I'm going down the stairs.

Then, in the worst timing possible, on the next landing down I bumped into my friend who is also a therapist who has a room in the building where I see my therapist. Bah! So, feeling quite emotional after my session, plus realising that I can't feel my feet and it feels like my head is floating above my body, I then have to spend a few minutes exchanging new year pleasantries with her!

Then a two hour journey home, which I don't really remember. So spacey when I got home. Was in bed really early, exhausted.

Today....feel exhausted, emotional, confused, depressed....don't want to do anything...just feel utterly pathetic and miserable.

Sorry, I think this is the longest thing I've ever posted (and I know I ramble on a lot in posts!) Think this probably should have been a private journaling process instead. Sorry.

 

[City Slicker]

@barefoot - I think what you did in raising it and discussing it with her is awesome. Really, really awesome.

I don't want to put words in your mouth about what's happening and if I am way off base here I apologize in advance and will share a thought or two below.

All relationships have these critical juncture points where it feels like you both are suddenly on different planets. But when it happens with your therapist it represents what I understand as an 'alliance rupture'.

If the client is raising the issue of 'rupture' as you did with the phone call, and if the therapist does not address the rupture in a way that the client feels validated, heard and understood, it simply intensifies the rupture even more.

You didn't do anything wrong - It sounds like you waded into an area with her where she wasn't able to assist the two of you to a thoughtful and positive resolution...yet.

It would have been really good had she been able to say, 'I can't promise this won't happen again and I would really like to come up with a plan ...' or, I hear this was my responsibility to call and I didn't and I am sorry' ...or anything similar indicating her responsibility - responsibility isn't blame - it's simply an acknowledgement that what we did hurt someone else and that it matters to us.

Alliance ruptures can be healed - you might have to take the lead and let her know what would have been good to hear from her when it happened. This juncture in therapy and working through it can be almost as positive and rewarding as the actual therapy itself.

Rest is good and I hope you can do some gentle and supportive things for yourself today.

 

[watundah]

Agree completely with City Slicker. Proud of you for bringing it up. You weren't off base here at all. I hope you two can continue to work on this. She sounds like the type who may need to sit and process a bit and hopefully come back with a better response.

My T reminds me when she disappoints me that "she's not a perfect human." At first that hit me as a cop out. Now I think, "Well, then, obviously there's room for improvement! Let me help you with that..."

Sending warm thoughts.

 

[City Slicker]

"Well, then, obviously there's room for improvement! Let me help you with that..."

I love that @watundah -

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @City Slicker and @watundah

Yes, I'm pleased I brought it up and I think I made the points I wanted to make and I managed to express some feelings.

And she listened. And I think she was a bit surprised when I explained just how difficult and shameful I find it to ask her for something (she knows I don't like feeling needy but I don't think she realised the extent of the lengthy, painful process I go through in order to finally give myself permission to ask - so that will probably be useful now that's out there).

And I think she did take some responsibility, though that was more along the lines of "I can see how my not replying increased your feelings of shame" rather than something like "Sorry, yes, I should have taken a moment to text you back." And I get that she's being very deliberate and specific about what she's taking responsibility for because there is definitely my stuff and her stuff mixed up in this whole situation. It's not a black/white thing of it being one of our "faults."

Ruptures...yes...she talks about ruptures in the therapeutic relationship and is all for discussing those so that the ruptures actually end up strengthening the relationship. And I do believe that will happen this time too. I guess I hoped that would have happened yesterday and that by now I'd be feeling more reassured and secure. And I think it didn't happen yesterday, partly because I was a bit dissociative and partly because I think she needs to think over what I said. Next session feels like a very long way away - but hopefully by then I will have calmed down a bit about it and she will have mulled it over a bit and then we can have a better discussion about what's actually going on.

Thanks for sticking with this thread and all my verbose ramblings...it's been a very helpful thread for me and I'm grateful for your input and support.

 

[barefoot]

And I agree with @City Slicker..

"Let me help you with that..."

Ha! Things you'd love to say to your therapist! :-)

 

[sun seeker]

Ouch. Sounds like a rough session yesterday. I haven't read the replies to this yet. There is lots to think about here.

 

[barefoot]

Yes @sun seeker - it was bumpy! Haven't felt great today.

And thanks for your earlier post. I think these are difficult conversations to have, but I do believe that (if the therapeutic relationship is generally good/strong) having them is valuable and worthwhile...probably for both the client and the therapist. So I hope that if you bring this up to work on it with your therapist, you have a positive experience.

 

[City Slicker]

Someone mentioned on another, similar thread, that the kinds of people who become therapists are often those who live in the moment, which makes them so good at attuning to the person in front of them, but at the same time those are not the kinds of people best at keeping track of details like returning phone calls.

Good point @sun seeker. I see this regardless of whether they are sole practitioners or part of a larger clinic. Therapy is still a business. Therapists can be incredibly skilled in the face to face work but then be so totally out to lunch on how to run and tend to the business aspects of managing their practise.

It seems especially true for many therapists out on their own or in a small practise. I don't think they can appreciate that it's not reasonable to simply hang out a shingle without any real sense of taking care of the 'finshing' work of running their business ie, what they can deliver and what they promise to their clients during the off session hours. Some don't grasp the fact that while they may be amazingly skilled at the actual client work, it does not automatically make them good business managers.

For instance if I hired a contractor to do some work and I noticed something wrong in something they did and all the while they are telling me if I have a problem I should call right away and they will be attentive and address any issues I have and then when I call they go dark until they are due at my house again I begin to get quite pissed off. And that's just with a contractor - I would be extremely upset with a therapist who managed their business and my emotional investment in them in this way.

I know contracting and therapy are totally different but they are both businesses. Yet I see it with artists, musicians, therapists, contractors, counsellors, etc - really skilled at their craft and yet terrible on the business management side.

What can often mask as therapy issues in the client sometimes boils down to extraneous issues coming into the therapy sessions simply based on the poor business management of the therapist.

I hear what you are saying @barefoot - it's going to be a process of making your voice heard that will lead to a really positive resolution because it does sound like she's willing to stay engaged in the conversation. (I have to admit though when you wrote that she wanted to get to what was underneath the bottom of your reaction I wanted to punch her!) : )

I think you both are amazingly strong and I am sending you both really good cyber energy as you both find your way through this.

 

[barefoot]

when you wrote that she wanted to get to what was underneath the bottom of your reaction I wanted to punch her

:-)
Yes, I think the danger with therapists is that when you try to call them out on their behaviour/actions/words they can pretty much turn everything back on you to make it be about your stuff, which can be frustrating.

To be fair on her though, there must be something underneath this for me that we need to unpick together. Yes, I think it's rude that she didn't reply. Yes, I think she made a mistake by giving me radio silence when I asked for the help she'd offered when she knew I wasn't in a great place. Yes, the main message I want her to hear is "Please don't offer help and then, when I ask for it, ignore me".

But for it to have the impact it's had and for it to have stirred up so many intense, complex, confusing feelings... I think there must be something more going on than simply "You offered to call, I said yes please, then I didn't hear from you." I'm annoyed with her about it. I feel let down by her about it. I don't think she did the "right" thing by not acknowledging the fact that I'd asked for her help. But all the shame stuff etc that it's triggered...? I don't understand that or where it's come from. And I think that's probably the stuff she was talking about.

 

[City Slicker]

And I think that's probably the stuff she was talking about.

lol, after the feeling of wanting to punch her wore off (quickly) I could see what she was saying - given the circumstances and why they engendered such a deep response within you.

Since I wanted to punch her I also went off and thought about what engendered such a response in _me_
: )

Best wishes and I hope the next session brings even more resolution for you.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@barefoot, bit late replying to this, I read it a few days ago and wondered how it turned out, you did the right thing confronting her, I'm curious to know when your next session is? I hope she spends some time realising /admitting to herself that she made a mistake and would hope she can put things right..