Left Behind Spouse
Bronze Member
A long one - feel free to skip to the bottom for the question.
I am/was married to a trauma survivor. I'm not sure if he has PTSD, but he left suddenly in April because he needed "time and space". The day he told me he cried from morning until night on the couch non-stop. It took him 3 days to leave and he was either crying or lashing out at me. He seemed to have no interest in me or the kids. He told me he was not in love with me anymore, and that he was "tired of giving".
I know that he has severe abandonment issues, and he was always terrified I would leave him one day. He'd started to travel a LOT with work. Work is an escape for him.... he even admits it. I feel like he finally left because he figured I wold eventually leave him anyway.
He refuses to get help, even though he's told me his childhood is surfacing. He told me he can't be alone because "silence is deafening". He's told me he is a "damaged man". I've read countless books over the summer about the effects of childhood trauma etc... and I've texted him notes about what may be happening. I've tried every angle for him to get help. He just says he will eventually.
I've "stood by him" for 3 months. Most of what I've noticed is major weight loss (he's already thin), major memory loss, and a LOT of lying. He's told me numerous times he was unsure, the next week he says we cannot repair things. But we started get along better. He's told all of our mutual friends that he left because I was unhappy.
He's told me all along that he did not leave because he wanted to date. He told me that no less than a month ago. He's now started seeing someone.
I feel like he's only seeing someone because he cannot be alone and deal with himself.
We have two children 4 and 5, and he's already distancing himself again because he's otherwise occupied.
I feel so betrayed that I cannot even look at him. I have told him that I will be cordial, but we cannot have any kind of friendship on a personal level until he gets help.
Of course, he's now told me that he never said he wasn't interested in another relationship. He told me it was something he thought about for a long time. The lies REALLY bother me which is why I can't be his friend. He's always lied, and I wish he could just be himself and be true. He wants desperately to be good friends, but he keeps lying to me and blindsiding and hurting me.
I wrote him a big long letter after he left. It was all one-sided from my side. I told him all the things I may have done to possibly make him feel unsafe/unhappy. I told him I was getting therapy, and that I was going to work on some changes. He loved the letter. Anytime, he doubted he was worth living with, I've reminded him of it and how I feel. But I just can't support a man who continues to do damage to our relationship.
Can anyone tell me what I can expect if I pull out as support unless he gets help?
I am/was married to a trauma survivor. I'm not sure if he has PTSD, but he left suddenly in April because he needed "time and space". The day he told me he cried from morning until night on the couch non-stop. It took him 3 days to leave and he was either crying or lashing out at me. He seemed to have no interest in me or the kids. He told me he was not in love with me anymore, and that he was "tired of giving".
I know that he has severe abandonment issues, and he was always terrified I would leave him one day. He'd started to travel a LOT with work. Work is an escape for him.... he even admits it. I feel like he finally left because he figured I wold eventually leave him anyway.
He refuses to get help, even though he's told me his childhood is surfacing. He told me he can't be alone because "silence is deafening". He's told me he is a "damaged man". I've read countless books over the summer about the effects of childhood trauma etc... and I've texted him notes about what may be happening. I've tried every angle for him to get help. He just says he will eventually.
I've "stood by him" for 3 months. Most of what I've noticed is major weight loss (he's already thin), major memory loss, and a LOT of lying. He's told me numerous times he was unsure, the next week he says we cannot repair things. But we started get along better. He's told all of our mutual friends that he left because I was unhappy.
He's told me all along that he did not leave because he wanted to date. He told me that no less than a month ago. He's now started seeing someone.
I feel like he's only seeing someone because he cannot be alone and deal with himself.
We have two children 4 and 5, and he's already distancing himself again because he's otherwise occupied.
I feel so betrayed that I cannot even look at him. I have told him that I will be cordial, but we cannot have any kind of friendship on a personal level until he gets help.
Of course, he's now told me that he never said he wasn't interested in another relationship. He told me it was something he thought about for a long time. The lies REALLY bother me which is why I can't be his friend. He's always lied, and I wish he could just be himself and be true. He wants desperately to be good friends, but he keeps lying to me and blindsiding and hurting me.
I wrote him a big long letter after he left. It was all one-sided from my side. I told him all the things I may have done to possibly make him feel unsafe/unhappy. I told him I was getting therapy, and that I was going to work on some changes. He loved the letter. Anytime, he doubted he was worth living with, I've reminded him of it and how I feel. But I just can't support a man who continues to do damage to our relationship.
Can anyone tell me what I can expect if I pull out as support unless he gets help?
