When To Tell Your Partner About Ptsd

[Jimmy1]

An interesting question was asked. When and how do you tell your prospective partner you have PTSD.

This could be a long post, so get a cup of coffee, or beer, or whatever your poison is.

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This is only my opinion. I have no training.

As we all know, PTSD can mean the destruction of both short and long term relationships. Its not our fault we have it, and we can be very hard people to live with.

My opinion is that you have to be a very thick skinned person to live with someone with PTSD. I believe we should have a disclaimer attached to us.
For partners who have supported their spouses and believe in the marriage vow 'Till Death Do Us Part', I give my thanks. The often have the hardest role in the recovery process. We can be drugged up and sometimes not function in normal society. We can become recluse as we don't want to venture outside due to paranoia, thinking there is the enemy around every corner, or snipers on the roof of every building, or even an IED on the side of every road.
They have to put up with the anger outbursts for absolutely no reason, or the anger outbursts for trivial reasons. They have to put up with the non communications while we are in our own world of hurt.

So to those veterans who have lost their partners, I can empathise with you. It happened to me.
But its not the end of the road.

First of all, written on my psychiatric evaluation four years ago was 'Unable to form meaningful relationships'. This was at a time where I was still learning about PTSD and the effects it had on me.
It was not really relationships, I believe it was life. I really did not give a f*ck about anything.
I remember my father died in early 08 and I cried for only 2 minutes. I still today don't think I have dealt with that. You see, we become emotionally numb. We don't feel sad, we don't feel happy, we just seem to be angry.

I also believe we hate being alone. We like having our 'Safe Place' where we can go by ourselves and say 'f*ck the World', curl up and hide. But we do like company.
I remember having numerous women friends. Most of them I would call 'f*ck Buddys'. As soon as we finished I would kick them out the door. I really did not want a relationship.
If you ask Anthony, he knows a bit more on the Psyche side of things to do with relationships.

Then things changed. I started wanting a relationship, something stable. On a couple of occasions, when I told them about PTSD, they ran. Others did not believe me. They used to say 'You look normal'. In the end I was looking too hard.

Now down to the question that was asked. When do you tell them of your PTSD!!!!!

I believe you can judge after a couple of outings whether you really like them, and whether they really like you. I think you should then let them know a little inkling. Just be prepared for the ones that say they cannot handle it.

I finally met Margaret. We are still learning together. I suppose she is lucky she has not seen a full on anger explosion. I have most of them contained now. She has see the hackles on my neck go up and my whole persona change, and that was just over a carpark.
She has also see an over anxious me, when my head has been all out of whack.

So I would like to ask some of the girlfriends/partners/supporters, when would you like to be told of the PTSD and would it make a difference.

And to the veterans, when do you think.

Jimmy

 

[Mockingbird13]

Great question... a question I have thrown around in my thoughts for quite awhile. I am a supporter as well as prior service. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and he returned from combat in 2006 - and retired in 2007. We (as in family members as well as myself) noticed sublte changes in him right after he retired. I chalked it up to the transition from military life to civilian life. He was disssapointed when he did not get the job her truly wanted,and then settled into something else - again we thought his growing anger and unhappiness stemmed from this.

By 2009 I was feeling very alone in this marriage - gosh we lived like brother and sister. He really began to withdraw from anything to do with the family. I was going crazy constantly questioning myself "What am I doing wrong?" What am I doing enough of? " He started lashing out at the kids for things like wearing scented lotion and at neighbors if the parked in front of the house.... (get the picture) -

I hate to say this, but I did not really know anything about PTSD - never thought that way.These last 2 years has been hell on myself and our family. Nothing made sense - I mean we were a very happy family - and now we had no idea what had happened.

Last April he came home and just annnounced to us - I dont love you, I dont want these respionsibilities and he moved out... till this day I have no idea where he is.

He filed for divorce in July.... this was crazy....

The end of July he finally spoke with me and said he had been dealing with PTSD since 2006 - Nightmares, intrusive thoughts, affairs, the works -

Let me tell you, after he announced this to us- I read everthyng I could get my hands on- I spoke to people, I went to the V.A.. I found this site.

The answer - I wish he would have told me right away, I wish he could have trusted me with his secret. I was hurt and betrayed by my husband, my best friend - but in his defense - and the way I know the military- you dont admit to a weakness - maybe he thought he was keeping me safe by not telling me, maybe he could not admit this to himself let alone anybody else.

Would it have made a difference - I believe yes - I believe that he could have gotten help earlier and not let it continue to fester like it did...he hid everything so well, and I believe that it will take even longer for him to get it all out

So much damage, pain and hurt has come from this big mystery.

Our daughter said she just wished he would have told her himself...to this day he still has not said anything to her about this.

Yes after many many fights, tears etc he is getting help, but he is truly lost - my gut says he will never come home.

Yes, I beleive in "For better or worse" - but at this point I cannot reach him...

 

[Jimmy1]

Mockingbird, I have some sympathy for you. What I am going to tell you, I have not told many people. Mainly my therapist. But they say exposure therapy is the best, so here goes.

Forgiveness is the hardest part Mockingbird. I lived with guilt for years and had to forgive myself for the emotional abuse I put my wife and children through during my out of control moments. With regards to the little ones, you could call it physical abuse. You see, I came home from East Timor in 2002 and my boy was only 5. I used to give him the belt for absolutely no reason. Yes, child abuse. But I have dealt with that.

I can't speak for him, I don't know where he served or what he witnessed or actually did while in service.
I personally ran over a civilian in one of the countries I was serving in. I was on the job and had strict orders not to stop. I still to this day don't know whether I killed that person, yet I can still hear the crunch as I went over them.
I hated myself and hated the world when I came home. The only place I felt safe was in the barracks. There I had purpose and no one questioned me because I was carrying out orders.

To get down to it, I did not think anyone else would understand why I did not stop. I did not think my then wife would understand.

So Mockingbird, maybe he will come back, maybe he wont. IMO though, if I were you I would just lead your normal life. He cant expect you to hang around and wait.

Jimmy

 

[MurphyJB]

My fiancé told me about his PTSD before we even met in person.
We talked via email for about 3 months before we met.
He was in the dark days of his PTSD though, so it would have been really hard to hide.
I think that him telling me right away was the best thing he could have done. He gabe me time to back out if I dint want to deal with it, and told me he would understand.
Granted, I didn't know the full extent of the craziness I would witness...at least I had some idea what I was dealing with.

 

[wife of]

As with the above sentiments I would say,"tell them asap" anyone not willing to share the life of a ptsd "survivor" is best not kept along for the ride,for both parties sake I would imagine and anyone with the sheer guts,for that is what it takes,to stick around will then be able to get themselves clued up on the situation,the main foundation of all relationships is honesty....

 

[sisu]

"J" told me about his PTSD immediately after we met for the first time. However, he hid all (or most) of his symptoms from me in an attempt to act normal. This was 4 years ago and in the U.S. there wasn't much talk about PTSD at that time, so I didn't really think much about it. And he seemed normal to me.

I would have preferrred that he not only told me, but gave me some reading material or brought me to the VA to learn...And for gods sakes don't hide all of the symptoms and feelings about PTSD. When he did have an episode I had no idea what was going on because how could someone seem normal one day and then not be the next. And it was literally like that....one day fine, next day not. He had hid his symptoms from me for so long they finally just exploded out of him and he was gone. (and I don't mean rage, I mean isolation and shut down)

Recently - as in the last few months, he has been more open about his symptoms and brutally honest with me about his anxiety, depression, anger, etc. I feel like I am in a better position when I understand more, so tell me all that you can. I am not talking details that you cannot share, but feelings and needs.

It's like that G.I. Joe saying...."knowing is half the battle".

 

[NikkiNikki]

My sufferer (now ex-bf) told me very early in the relationship, but I did not think much of it at the time. He was in a good spot in his life & was very normal acting. Plus he didn't act like it was such a big deal..I guess he did that so it would not scare me off..I never even noticed any of his symptoms until a few days before we broke up.

On top of telling someone you have PTSD I would personally suggest telling them to research PTSD on their own as well. You should tell them what some of your symptoms are so they are prepared. I may have handled my ex's "episode" a little better had I known thats what was going on.

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Hi Jimmy,

Mine told me one of the first days we ever talked. I told that I was headed out to some volunteer work I do with Veterans and he volunteered that he has PTSD. He has been very open about his meds and appointments but just isolates without warning when he gets overwhelmed. I've researched PTSD a lot since and I've just ordered 3 more books to read but by far, the best resource I have found is this forum.

Anyway, I have to agree that the earlier the better. If the potential friend/mate is not ready for it, then it is better for both people to know up front.

Another thing to consider. Now that we are where we are..in love...him isolating but I do believe we are in love....all I know is that he warned me. I cannot get mad at him because it isn't his fault that he has it, he told me he had it and warned me not to get involved with him. Unfortunately, there is nothing I like more than a challenge...lol. Obviously I'm glad that I didn't listen to him, but he didn't hide it from me.

Did I understand the full implications of it at the time? No way. Taking me to therapy or the VA for appointments probably would have helped but I do understand that it makes him feel even more vulnerable and that isn't acceptable. But he told me up front and I appreciated it then and now. One thing that might have helped would have been some tips on how to help or how not to make things worse or his triggers or what overwhelms him. I believe one of my mistakes has been to mother him. Not intentionally, but I'm a caretaker at heart and if I can make life better for anyone, I'll do it. So maybe I did too much, but he always says that he loves how I treat him. If I am lucky enough to get another chance, I'll try to watch that.

Don't know if this helps but it is how I feel. Just wish I could *reach* him when he is like this.

Red

 

[Jimmy1]

Just as your there for him, all will be good.
As for going to his therapist sessions. That is ok if its organised and its a consultation for the both of you, but a lot of veterans, in fact I would say the majority of them, would not share their traumas with their partners.
Some are embarrassed and feel shame for what they did, even if they were following orders.