General When You Are The Trigger

[Cult]

Hi there everyone,

Things with my partner (undiagnosed PTSD, waiting on results of a recent assessment to be sure) are essentially the same, although I am making some headway working on my codependency issues. I'm not where I want to be yet but I am moving forward.

My fellow supporters: have you ever been a trigger for your loved one? I believe I am a trigger for my partner right now. She has essentially totally shut me out of her life. We are going through the motions but there's really no substance to the relationship right now.

The basis for my theory (that I am a trigger) is because she had a flashback during sex with me and she has been cold, distant and refusing most physical contact ever since. Other worrisome signs started a couple of months before this so it could be unrelated, but I know (because she has told me) that this flashback was significant for her.

Assuming I am a trigger, what kinds of behaviors would be typical? What is the best way for me to respect her needs and also take care of myself? Is it ever possible to remove this association in the mind of my sufferer? I'd love to hear personal stories of supporters who have weathered the ups and downs of loving a sufferer over a long period of time.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm a sufferer. While you asked for supporter opinions, I'm going to respond anyway.

I think that sex may be the trigger, not you per se. Yes you are the one she has sex with, but it may not be you that is the trigger. I think this is a small but important distinction to make.

As a sufferer I don't just shut out people who trigger me. I isolate from a number of reasons when I get stressed. Again, I know she's in contact with other people while non-responsive to you, but I get the feeling that you want to take on these issues personally rather than attributing them to PTSD and her not being able to handle intimate relationships.

You may be a stressor, that's true. But I think sex is the trigger, not you. If you were the trigger then she'd have flashbacks during other encounters.

 

[Cult]

I think you are right that I am taking it personally. It's so hard. The reminders you all offer are very helpful. I guess I am struggling with knowing how much of my partner's behavior is PTSD and how much is what is called here "bad behavior" in general. She has completely shut me out and it is getting worse, not better, the more space she takes. She spends several hours a day with another friend and avoids spending time with me. When I tried to talk to her about it, she said that this friend has no expectations of her which is what she needs. At the same time she tells me she loves me and at times, I can see the love in her eyes for me. It's so confusing and crazymaking and it's so incredibly painful and difficult for me. I would benefit from getting advice from supporters about detaching with love and taking care of ourselves when they are unavailable.

What's the difference between a stressor and a trigger? Is there an area of the site I should check out that would explain this?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

What's the difference between a stressor and a trigger?

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.13912/[/DLMURL]

 

[Almarose]

I agree with Solara, I think it was the action of sex and her own personal context rather than you being the actual trigger.

 

[RustyNail]

Cult

I completely understand what you mean about the going through the motions. All intimacy has stopped between dw and I and now its like we are house mates. I tried to talk to her about it last night and that put her into a panic attack. I decided today nothing I say or ask about us is going productive so I told her I'm giving her her space.

I'm not initiating anything as far as affection or discussions about us etc. I'm just going to live and not bring any of that up because it sees to be a trigger. The other bad part is without any intimacy or any time together at some point I'm guessing I could become numb etc. Its a struggle and I hope your situation improves.