So I've experienced this a few times in my life, but not again until recently. A few years ago I had attributed it to anorexia as I struggle with an ED for many years and as it was more like a dizzy-spell/confusion and not being able to remember where I was. But on Thursday I had an EMDR session that we left "open" and Friday I had a flashback where I pretty much blacked out and was 'in' the memory and remembered more than I had before. When I came back to my senses visually, I couldn't remember where I was in the room of my apartment. It took a minute or two to remember where I was. The flashback memory was extended, so, I remember more about the memory than I did before and quite a bit more information. I feel like my brain is overloaded.
Now, this Tuesday in college, we watched a movie on a dancer's life. Quite a promiscuous woman with a life full of tragedy.
I usually cringe/look away during sex scenes of anything and that was fine, however, the movie was extremely loud and then people win class were laughing at the sex scenes and their laughter seemed louder and louder. The movie went on and I just scribbled in my notebook whenever I felt stressed out and kind of was zoning out when I needed to, but it came down to it I was covering my ears and then there was a scene where for some reason this man started smashing her picture frames and she started screaming and then they started wrestling on the bed and he started choking her and I jumped up and ran out of the room like I couldn’t breathe and my heart was racing. One other girl had left a few seconds before me and was sitting on a couch right outside and I was very bothered because I wanted to stop and ask her if she was okay, but I had to get outside. I went outside and right outside there’s a rocky area and I grabbed onto a cold rock like one of the therapists gave me a frozen orange one time in ED treatment when I had a panic attack. I tried to bring myself back mentally and kept stating where I was at and stuff, because it was like I was zoning in and out of reality(??) and tried to convince myself I could calm down and just wait outside and then I could go to back in.
I felt all shaky though and then I started crying and I couldn’t get myself to calm so I decided to just go home. I went to the parking lot but couldn’t remember where I parked and then it felt similar to something that happened in the past (not really like on Friday because I still felt visually present, Friday was more like a total blackout ) in that I forgot where I was.
I felt like I was dreaming and everything was kind of foggy and I questioned where I was but I didn’t know? I stood there even questioning if I was in a dream(???) glancing around at cars and everything seemed bright and distorted and I stood around looking around I think maybe two or three minutes trying to remember where I was - and then I finally came back and managed to find my car..
I got in my car and focused on how the steering wheel felt and grounded myself before driving even though I felt really out of it and was literally contemplating if I or my car even existed (wtf??).
Even though its only happened twice in the past few days the not remembering where I am at thing is scaring me.
I mean looking through stuff it seems this is called "derealization", at least the second experience but it's scaring me really bad. I feel like after so many years of untreated/acknowledged PTSD and trauma I'm just finally losing it mentally or something..
I was able to get myself to go to class today but I talked to my professor about the video and he was a jerk about it (not surprising) and said he doesn’t believe in “trigger warnings” and that human behavior is interesting to observe .. and something about being exposed to things that make us uncomfortable makes for learning.. right. People that don't deal with this don't understand anything. Asshole.
Anyways, I was wondering if anyone else can relate/experiences this etc.
Now, this Tuesday in college, we watched a movie on a dancer's life. Quite a promiscuous woman with a life full of tragedy.
I usually cringe/look away during sex scenes of anything and that was fine, however, the movie was extremely loud and then people win class were laughing at the sex scenes and their laughter seemed louder and louder. The movie went on and I just scribbled in my notebook whenever I felt stressed out and kind of was zoning out when I needed to, but it came down to it I was covering my ears and then there was a scene where for some reason this man started smashing her picture frames and she started screaming and then they started wrestling on the bed and he started choking her and I jumped up and ran out of the room like I couldn’t breathe and my heart was racing. One other girl had left a few seconds before me and was sitting on a couch right outside and I was very bothered because I wanted to stop and ask her if she was okay, but I had to get outside. I went outside and right outside there’s a rocky area and I grabbed onto a cold rock like one of the therapists gave me a frozen orange one time in ED treatment when I had a panic attack. I tried to bring myself back mentally and kept stating where I was at and stuff, because it was like I was zoning in and out of reality(??) and tried to convince myself I could calm down and just wait outside and then I could go to back in.
I felt all shaky though and then I started crying and I couldn’t get myself to calm so I decided to just go home. I went to the parking lot but couldn’t remember where I parked and then it felt similar to something that happened in the past (not really like on Friday because I still felt visually present, Friday was more like a total blackout ) in that I forgot where I was.
I felt like I was dreaming and everything was kind of foggy and I questioned where I was but I didn’t know? I stood there even questioning if I was in a dream(???) glancing around at cars and everything seemed bright and distorted and I stood around looking around I think maybe two or three minutes trying to remember where I was - and then I finally came back and managed to find my car..
I got in my car and focused on how the steering wheel felt and grounded myself before driving even though I felt really out of it and was literally contemplating if I or my car even existed (wtf??).
Even though its only happened twice in the past few days the not remembering where I am at thing is scaring me.
I mean looking through stuff it seems this is called "derealization", at least the second experience but it's scaring me really bad. I feel like after so many years of untreated/acknowledged PTSD and trauma I'm just finally losing it mentally or something..
I was able to get myself to go to class today but I talked to my professor about the video and he was a jerk about it (not surprising) and said he doesn’t believe in “trigger warnings” and that human behavior is interesting to observe .. and something about being exposed to things that make us uncomfortable makes for learning.. right. People that don't deal with this don't understand anything. Asshole.
Anyways, I was wondering if anyone else can relate/experiences this etc.
